Wednesday, January 13, 2016

Nobody ever said it would be easy to try an armed takeover of the federal government, right?

It’s the wee hours of Wednesday morning. Actually, I should say “wee-wee” hours, since that’s the only reason why I’m here right now. I woke up on the chaise in the family room at 5:15 for my middle-of-the-night senior citizen bathroom adventure and decided to sit for a while at my desk and noodle around with the Howdygram. Lucky you! And in case you give a crap, I’m also sipping on a pleasant mug of Lipton’s Gourmet Cup-a-Soup for Senior Citizens.

Wondering what’s the latest news from the armed militia takeover at the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge in Oregon? Following the bullshit patriots’ desperate online plea for a long list of idiotic merchandise donations to help them survive in the wilderness of a federal gift shop — which included such products as tampons, Miracle Whip, four kinds of cigarettes, hair conditioner and French vanilla coffee creamer — concerned Americans have responded in a big way: THEY’RE SENDING DILDOS.

Oregon militia organizer and general all-around asshole Jon Ritzheimer really fucking hates Uncle Sam. But what he hates even more are all the snotty emails and giant rubber dicks that strangers are sending to his band of useless armchair commandos. However ... if you’re anxious to join the fun and add to their bounty, please feel free to ship the dildo of your choice to:

Malheur National Wildlife Refuge
36391 Sodhouse Lane
Princeton, Oregon 97721

Hint! If you’re an Amazon Prime member you won’t have to pay for shipping. (Yes, Amazon sells sex toys.)

Nobody ever said it would be easy to try an armed takeover of the federal government, right?

It seems that Governor Nikki Haley (R-SC) was unexpectedly entertaining last night delivering the Republican rebuttal to President Obama’s State of the Union address THROUGH CLENCHED TEETH without moving her jaw even once. What the fuck?
Too bad a couple of friends didn’t bother to warn her that stupid shit like this will follow her around FOREVER. To prove my point, no one will ever remember a single word from Marco Rubio’s annoying response to the State of the Union in 2013 because they were glued to the roof of his mouth. Here’s a compilation video of Rubio’s struggle. Feel free to laugh out loud (I did).

Thank you for your support.

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