Friday, January 8, 2016

I’m preparing for the “Cheetos Cleanse.”

Good morning from Foggygram headquarters in Fogville, U.S.A.

Okay, okay, just kidding. Howdygram headquarters is still located in the northeast corner of Mesquite, Texas. But if you peek out the window all you’ll see is FOG ... and it’s as thick today as OATMEAL WITH RAISINS!

On today’s agenda are a number of urgent and exciting Friday activities that include all of the following.

I NEED A PERMANENT MEDICAL EXEMPTION FROM JURY DUTY. I’m positive that Dr. M submitted a permanent exemption for me last time I got a jury summons, but this being Texas — a state that’s run by Y’all Qaeda yahoos — I’m not at all surprised that I have to go through the process again. I wonder how many times I’ll have to provide documentation that I’m a disabled senior citizen on prescription painkillers who goes everywhere in a wheelchair, can’t drive, can’t even ride in a car and never leaves the house. I hope the Dallas County Jury Services Department will WAKE THE HELL UP AND PAY ATTENTION THIS TIME!

I’M PREPARING FOR THE “CHEETOS CLEANSE.” This will involve switching from Ritz crackers to Cheetos between every meal and drinking only Diet Sunkist orange soda in order to color-coordinate my snacks. I hope you don’t think I’m joking about this.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY NEW SCOOTER ALREADY. On Christmas Day I ordered a snazzy charcoal gray Prowler 3310 electric scooter online from Top Mobility — with a deluxe wider seat for big butts, a cane bracket, a custom cup-holder and “white glove delivery” — BUT IT’S NOT HERE YET! I just called Top Mobility’s customer service Einsteins and spoke to a dude named Jamie, who clearly didn’t know how to interpret the shipper’s tracking information so he made up a story that my scooter has been taking a nap in the freight company’s depot here in Mesquite since January 2, to which I calmly responded: “ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! It’s been here for SIX DAYS? Can we get somebody to start moving on this, please?!” He promised to find out what was holding up my “white glove delivery” and call me back. Stay tuned ... but please feel free to continue your normal routine in the meantime.

I would like to take this opportunity to dump another small mountain of really fabulous FREE FONTS on you! Download links appear after the graphic in case you want these for your private collection or to give away as a hostess gift. Thank you.

With a heavy heart the Howdygram is grieved to announce the passing of Pat Harrington from the 1970s TV sitcom “One Day at a Time.” He was 86. For nine years Harrington played Dwayne Schneider, a delusional ladies’ man and semi-creepy building superintendent in the very popular comedy that won him an Emmy and a Golden Globe.
From our I Never Would Have Guessed department, Harrington graduated with a B.A. from Fordham University with majors in philosophy and government and then received a masters in political philosophy in 1952. Holy shit, right?

After Harrington served in the Air Force during the Korean War he sold ads for NBC, where he was “discovered” after work one day entertaining network staffers at a local tavern with an impersonation of an Italian golfer. His routine was spotted by Jonathan Winters, who booked him for “The Tonight Show” during a week that Winters was guest-hosting for Jack Paar. It was an exciting start for an actor whose claim to fame was his role as the stalker/janitor of an Indianapolis apartment building. Rest in peace, Schneider!

I actually have several additional subjects to cover here but I’ll have to write a second Howdygram post later this afternoon after I enjoy lunch with Sam — Jello-O cups and Costco spring rolls! — and a very juicy nap. Thank you for your support.

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