Friday, January 8, 2016

Armed, dangerous and really stupid. The morons fight each other at the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge.

Here’s the second Howdygram post I promised you today. Mostly I’ve got one hot breaking news story and a couple of thrilling updates to issues mentioned earlier.

The hot breaking news story first, okay?

Cal Irvin, a heartbroken militiaman in the Oregon standoff, sobbed today in a YouTube video that one of his cohorts, Joe O’Shaugnessy, had walked off the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge and rented a room in a local motel to get drunk with every dime of their donation money. The break came after O’Shaugnessy fought with some of his fellow fake patriots about why the fuck are they using women and babies as “human shields” when the militants were hoping to draw federal agents into a gun battle. I mean, we have all these scary assault weapons. WHAT IF SOMEBODY GETS SHOT?!
Jon Ritzheimer (see right), the human suppository known for organizing anti-Muslim rallies, selling “Fuck Islam” tee shirts and fundraising through his Rogue Infidel website, went to see O’Shaugnessy at the motel and found him bombed out of his mind. Ritzheimer also confirmed that O’Shaugnessy had kept the money he raised through social media and blew it on a drinking binge.

Irvin said the militants felt betrayed by O‘Shaugnessy, who had taken part in the festivities at the Bundy ranch back in 2014 where various levels of deranged ammosexuals within the right-wing patriot movement beat the shit out of each other on a regular basis. “It’s like finding out there is no such thing as Santa,” Irvin said. “Come on, man.”

Frankly, I thought law enforcement would have nipped this shit in the bud by now. Militia members are sleeping in motels with hard liquor, driving into town to eat at local restaurants and beating each other to a pulp. Somebody needs to tell Ammon Bundy that his latest insurrection is a fucking disappointment.

I’ve got additional information about the brouhaha surrounding my recently-purchased Prowler mobility scooter and why the hell don’t I have it yet. Early this morning I spoke to a customer service Einstein named Jamie at Top Mobility, who made up a story that my scooter has been hibernating in the freight company’s depot here in Mesquite since January 2 and thought I should be happy to hear that. After I exploded in a fit of senior citizen profanity — i.e., “ARE YOU FUCKING INSANE?!” — Jamie agreed to contact AIT Freight to find out what was holding up my “white glove delivery” and call me back.

After five hours I called Jamie a second time when I didn’t hear from him. Here’s a transcript of our conversation.

Marcy:  Hi Jamie. We talked a few hours ago, and you said you’d call me back about
                the status of my scooter delivery. I never heard back from you.

Jamie:  I was under the impression that we already settled this. You told me you
               talked to Tony Muniz. [Jamie laughs like a sarcastic hyena.]

Marcy:  Who the hell is Tony Muniz? The only person I talked to is YOU!

Jamie:  Oh. Tony works at AIT Freight. He’ll be in touch with you right away to set
               up your white glove delivery.

Except this entire scenario turned out to be BULLSHIT, because  nobody from AIT Freight called this afternoon to set up my scooter delivery. I’m starting to feel extremely violent about this and I want to wrap my steel bariatric cane around somebody’s goddamn neck already. Unfortunately, this will have to wait until Monday because freight companies don’t work weekends and Tony probably needs two whole days to invent a story that’s better than Jamie’s.

I do have some good news to report ... finally! After two years of never-ending pain, tomorrow afternoon my visiting nurse will be here for her first visit to bandage and heal all those disgusting, leaking cellulitis-related pressure sores on the back of my thighs. A nice lady named Debbie at Cardinal Home Healthcare thinks the nurse will need two to three visits a week until I’m all healed up, and that’s fine with me because I’ve never been so goddamn miserable in my entire life.

Have a very pleasant Friday night and thank you for reading this.

No comments: