Sunday, July 16, 2017

At last … I’m getting a visiting foot doctor!

Howdy-do, people! We had a pleasant summery Saturday here at Howdygram headquarters yesterday, featuring surprise thunderstorms, unexpected cactus pears, a copious amount of pishing, an extremely nice lunch (details to follow), and — best of all — I’M GETTING A VISITING FOOT DOCTOR!

On Saturday afternoon I got a call from a home health agency that’s been asked to set up an appointment for me with a traveling foot doctor because I haven’t been able to visit a podiatrist’s office for routine care in more than three years.* I’m diabetic with severe peripheral neuropathy, and these diseases are nothing at which to sneeze, believe me! Please stay tuned for additional information but don’t hesitate to resume your normal routine in the meantime.

* This is due to mobility difficulties. You have no idea how hard it is to get anywhere with a bariatric
   wheelchair on a senior citizen transit bus!

The “extremely nice lunch” mentioned above included Campbell’s tomato soup with smooshed saltines, Hormel Compleats Chicken with Gravy and Mashed Potatoes, sugar-free Jell-O with Cool Whip, and sugar-free Hawaiian Punch with a pile of ice.
As for those “unexpected cactus pears,” while I was still asleep yesterday morning Sam visited our local Hispanic grocery store and bought a sack of 10 just for yours truly. I used to eat these tasty little fuckers ALL THE TIME when we lived in southern California! They’re low calorie and low carb, they’ll stabilize your blood sugar, and they have a texture that reminds me of a ripe melon. (I use some artificial sweetener on mine.) For years I was a regular customer at Spring Farms, a market in Long Beach with the best and cheapest produce on earth, and Spring Farms sold mountains of cactus pears almost all year round. However if you decide to try these for yourself, I’ve got TWO HELPFUL HINTS for you:
  1. Cactus pears are usually covered with prickly little invisible needles that will get into your skin and drive you insane. Therefore NEVER TOUCH A CACTUS PEAR. Slide a plastic bag over your hand in the grocery store, and when you get home you should handle them with tongs or rubber gloves. You’ll thank me for this later.
  2. THE TEENY SEEDS ARE TOTALLY EDIBLE, so don’t drive yourself crazy trying to get rid of the damn things! After I remove and discard the peel, I cut the fruit into quarters, sprinkle them with Equal and watch a Ronald Colman movie.

Our Putz of the Week, once again, is Donald Trump. It’s another what-the-fuck moment featuring his thoughts about the Mexican border wall — which now has to be TRANSPARENT — shared last week en route to Paris on Air Force One.
As horrible as it sounds, when they throw the large sacks of drugs over, and if you have people on the other side of the wall, you don’t see them ... they hit you on the head with 60 pounds of stuff. It’s over. As crazy as that sounds, you need transparency through that wall. But we have some incredible designs.

Trump’s latest rant wasn’t exactly original, however. He was inspired by the following tweet from North Korea!
According to the Orange Menace, drug dealers routinely launch 60-pound bags of Dangerous Hard Drugs over the existing border fence without warning and with no arrangement for an accomplice to be waiting on the other side. So if you, a Typical American Tourist, are walking alongside The Wall because you’re a patriot and like to visit ridiculous racist structures to take selfies, and suddenly — BLAMMO! — you’re clobbered out of nowhere with a 60-pound sack of Flying Drugs … IT’S OVER FOR YOU! A see-through transparent wall would be such an improvement, and SAVE LIVES EVEN! But fortunately for the United States we wouldn’t need to build The Wall along the entire Mexican border because there are already natural barriers such as miscellaneous mountains and “violent and vicious rivers.”

This brings me to a number of random thoughts and questions.

Wouldn’t a transparent wall actually be a WINDOW?

If an American is hit over the head by a 60-pound bag of flying drugs, would his injuries be covered by Trumpcare or would Mexico have to pay for it?

Those “bad hombres” in Mexico must be awfully strong. If you find one who can hurl a 60-pound bag of dope over a 30-foot wall, let’s hire them for Team U.S.A.

Wow, vicious rivers and 60-lb. bags of flying heroin … the vacation of a lifetime!

Why are so many people standing next to the wall? Is there a Starbucks nearby?

Somebody ask Trump to point out those “violent and vicious” rivers on a map. What the fuck is this ignorant turd talking about?!

I think don’t think Trump understands the concept of “transparency.”

I’ve got a nice collection of FREE FONTS again today … lots of different kinds! I love “Unicorn Wishes” and the accompanying doodads, “Postmark” and “Postmark Rough,” and “Starboy” with the included “Branches” font that’s filled with very nice hand-drawn wreaths and frames. As always, download links will appear below the graphic so you can snag some (or all) of these for yourself. Incidentally, please comment on this post or send me an email if you want to express your appreciation for all the terrific free shit I post here. (You’re welcome.)

I wanted to include another chapter of The Royals here, but I think I’ll hold off until next time because this post is already too long and I don’t want to shove a Princess Anne biography down your throat with extra pictures. Thank you for understanding and thank you for reading this. Remember the Alamo, okay?

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