Sunday, May 28, 2017

At the G7 meeting in Sicily our lazy slob of a president rode around in a goddamn golf cart.

After three consecutive days being seriously under the weather — most likely another urinary tract infection — I’m finally back at my desk in the study with a BRAND NEW REPLACEMENT MOUSE (details follow) and a cup of very tasty Crystal Light peach/mango green tea. I wish I had some ice but that’s another issue altogether.

Since mid-day on Thursday I was feeling nauseated, dizzy and SERIOUSLY SHITTY, too unsteady to walk from room to room, and suffering from the dreaded Senior Citizen Exploding Bladder Syndrome*. And in addition to the complaints indicated above I also had to deal with burning feet, heel pain, burning skin on the back of both thighs, horrible knees, a dull ache in my tailbone and I’m having one hell of a hard time opening a bag of Snyder’s pretzels that Sam left on my desk a couple of hours ago.

SENIOR CITIZEN EXPLODING BLADDER SYNDROME. A medical condition that involves unexpected pishing in unanticipated locations, a lot of apologies and considerable clean-up by your good-natured and awesome spouse. Thank you.

In case you’re interested I finally feel more like my crotchety old self today and I’ve even been able to shlep to the bathroom four times without incident. When Sam wakes up from his afternoon nap (it’s 9 p.m.) I’ll ask him to bring me a bowl of Campbell’s tomato soup with a sleeve of saltines, which is my favorite guilty pleasure. (Also White Castle cheeseburgers.)

And now I’d like to explain about the replacement mouse mentioned in the first paragraph. A few days ago my Apple Magic Mouse 2 — the one included with the brand new iMac I bought last month — stopped right-clicking. I called Apple yesterday and made arrangements for Sam to bring it back to the Apple Store at North Park Center in Dallas and get a replacement. Of course the nitwit on the phone at Apple tried to give me a hard time  — are you sure it’s charged? do you know how to use a mouse? can I run through a troubleshooting checklist with you? — to which I responded YES, OF COURSE and FUCK NO. I said, “How about if I bring it back to the Apple Store and you give me a brand new mouse that works.” So that’s what we did. The end.

I’ve got an excellent array of FREE FONTS for you tonight! Here’s a little bit of everything … scripts and display fonts and funny face emojis. I think my favorites here are “Peyton,” “Pinto No. 1,” “Pinto No. 2,” “Attack Attack,” “Arcon” and “Monly.” You’ll find download links after the graphic. Please help yourself to as many as you want, okay? Think of this as a font buffet!

But wait … there’s more! I also snagged a juicy collection of weird cartoon talk bubbles that I can use for the Howdygram as well as design projects for The Howdygram Store on Zazzle. They’re available in both AI and PSD formats for Adobe Illustrator, Photoshop and InDesign. I love stuff like this.

There’s no point discussing the latest bullshit about our Liar-in-Chief in the White House. Instead, I’ll just post a couple of my favorite photos from Trump’s recent trip to the Mideast and Europe ... with my own captions. The first, of course, was taken with Pope Francis at the Vatican, and the second is a shot of Trump half-asleep (and clearly bored to death) at a meeting in Saudi Arabia. What a fucking embarrassment.
Incidentally, I wish there were photographs of Trump at the G7 meeting in Sicily on Thursday, when the other six heads of state walked together as a show of solidarity; our lazy slob of a president was too fucking tired to stand up and RODE AROUND IN A GODDAMN GOLF CART. Do you think he handed out Make America Great Again hats? Or full-color county-by-county maps of his YOOGE ELECTORAL COLLEGE WIN?

Why in hell can’t we get this terrifying clown out of the White House already?!

Our latest Putz of the Week is none other than President Asshole’s son-in-law and close personal advisor Jared Kushner. You’ll find Kushner’s name and face plastered all over the news these days due to his outrageous efforts to establish a back channel line of communication with Moscow through the Russian embassy in Washington shortly before Trump took office in January. Like pond scum, Kushner has floated to the top tier of the FBI investigation and appears to be flirting with multiple felonies and a charge of sedition for some pretty nefarious meetings and activities with known Russian spies.

As my final thought for tonight’s post, I’ve got a doctor appointment Tuesday morning with a round-trip on Mesquite’s senior citizen transit bus with a wheelchair elevator. This is actually the last time I’ll see Dr. M because she’s resigning at the end of June to open a cash-only private practice. I hate starting over with a new primary care physician! I’m hoping I’ll find one at the same Baylor clinic so I won’t have to horse around transferring records. Stay tuned.

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