Sunday, April 23, 2017

My Potato Express was a knock-off from China and I only paid 98¢ for the damn thing.

Happy Sunday, boys and girls. It’s been strange around here today! This morning shortly after breakfast — which included teeny White Castle Cheeseburgers and a large volume of sugar-free lemonade — I got dizzy and slightly nauseated and wound up on the chaise in the family room, where I passed out for FOUR HOURS. (I’m convinced that the dizzy/nausea hoo-hah is related to a lot of morning meds on a very empty stomach.) When I woke up at 1:30 the only thing I wanted was a hot shower, a fluffy shampoo and a nice clean nightie.

With that accomplished, now it’s time for rejoicing at Howdygram headquarters for all of the following reasons:

MY NEW APPLE EXTENDED KEYBOARD IS HERE. I ordered it on Friday from Amazon. It’s shiny, all my fingers are in the right place, I’ve got my numeric keypad back and the arrow keys and I’M A HAPPY TYPIST AGAIN! Holy crap, I couldn’t stand that little wireless bullshit keyboard that came with my new iMac. I’ve been typing for six decades ... I ought to know when a keyboard just feels WRONG.

SAM BOUGHT ME SOME CRUSH DRINK MIXES FOR BOTTLED WATER. He picked them up at Wal-Mart, all of them sugar-free and AMAZING. He bought Orange Crush, Grape Crush and Pineapple Crush. Woo-hoo! These are all in addition to the other exciting bottled water drink mixes that he brought home a few days before that ... Crystal Light Wild Strawberry and Crystal Light Peach Mango Green Tea. 

I’M NOSHING ON TEENY WAFFLE-SHAPED PRETZEL THINGIES. They’re Snyders of Hanover brand and look like little tic-tac-toe boards. They’re easy to eat, they won’t chip my shitty lower teeth, they’re mildly salty and a fine option when there’s nothing else within reach for a late lunch. Thank you.

WE’RE HAVING BAKED TATERS FOR DINNER AGAIN TONIGHT. Baked potatoes were such a hit here last night that we’ve decided to do it all over again. This time, however, we’ll skip that stupid ass Potato Express scam that I bought about a month ago from eBay. While it’s possible that mine was a do-nothing knockoff (it was shipped from China and I only paid 98¢ for it), even people who spent $10.95 on Amazon don’t write glowing reviews! We used this stupid thing to nuke our potatoes for four minutes, according to package instructions, and they were still ROCK-HARD, so I told Sam to finish them in our toaster oven for half an hour at 425° and the results were perfect. Tonight we’ll just use the toaster oven (60 minutes at 425°) and throw on our favorite excellent toppings: margarine, sour cream, chives from a bottle and bacon bits.

Thank you for reading this. I want to lie down again.

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