Saturday, March 11, 2017

I’ll gladly provide more information on a need-to-know basis.

Yo from Howdygram headquarters! It’s a spectacular and balmy springtime afternoon that’s bursting with sunshine ... and once again I’m at my desk in the study with a bowl of Campbell’s chicken noodle soup that definitely isn’t hot enough, but what the hell. Also some saltine crackers.

I’d like to begin this post with a carefully-edited Kvetch Report as a brief shout-out to a number of ongoing complaints and personal health issues. I will keep my remarks short with as few graphic details as possible, although I’ll gladly provide more information on a need-to-know basis (click here). Today’s health complaints include: 1) a severe lack of belching; 2) hemorrhoids; 3) intestinal distress; 4) joint pain; 5) burning skin on the back of both thighs; 6) I chipped a tooth eating soup; and 7) a recurring fever that starts every night around 8 p.m.

My only comment concerning all of the above is ... item 6 should give you a clear picture concerning the condition of my remaining teeth. God bless dentures.

Thank you for your support.

No kidding, people, today’s free fonts are FABULOUS, and I’ve already use several — “Buffalo,” ‘Background Noise,” “Bansky,” “Zesty Orange” and “Whitey” — for greeting card designs for The Howdygram Store. They’re all funky, gorgeous and modern ... and I’m excited as hell! I’ll include download links below the graphic so you can snag them for your personal collection.

For your possible interest here are a few of the aforementioned greeting card designs. The “Holy Cow” card is from my Screwy Cattle Collection. There are only six designs in the collection right now, but I’ve got ideas and illustrations for at least 12 more. Moo!
Incidentally, The Howdygram Store is doing so well that I’ve been thinking maybe I should open another two or three shops that specialize. Here are my thoughts so far:

THE DESKTOP SHOP. Products for your desk or home office ... mouse pads, ceramic mugs, commuter mugs, picture frames, notebooks, Post-Its, padfolios, wood rulers, clip boards, bookmarks.

THE DECOR SHOP. Products for your home ... throw pillows, switchplate covers, serving trays, barware, coasters, ceramic mugs, nightlights, playing cards, wall clocks, bath coordinates (soap dispensers, toothbrush holders, bath mats, shower curtains, step-on scales).

JUST GREETING CARDS. Friendship, birthdays, love, get-well, occasions, holidays, thank you notes. Will include my five themed collections: Screwy Cattle, Keep Calm, Tough Baby Owl, Wee Menagerie and Tranquility.

Here’s some late-breaking news! I ordered a pleasant pair of new slippers a couple of days ago. They’re wide-width black terrycloth scuffs with velcro and memory foam insoles. I hope these damn things fit because I need slippers with very specific features — i.e., wide, soft, fluffy, adjustable — for my shitty diabetic feet, and I’m running out of options online. I think my former favorite shoe website,, is teetering on the verge of bankruptcy because they don’t have anything in stock and almost zero slippers on the entire website. They used to have millions of them!

It’s been a crazy few days around here for movie-watching, so please bear with me as I share a brief synopsis for each of them. Thank you.

“STAIRCASE” (1969). Oy, what a story. You’ve got the two most notorious womanizers in Hollywood — Rex Harrison and Richard Burton — cast as a pair of miserable middle-aged gay hairdressers. Richard Burton’s character is completely bald and hides his head with a gigantic Ace bandage; Rex Harrison wears mascara and lavender pants. And if that’s not enough, Richard Burton’s bedridden mother lives upstairs in a back bedroom and spends all day ringing a buzzer when it’s time for a diaper change. (Yes, Richard changes her diaper.) I think this movie was supposed to be a drama, but teaming Burton and Harrison as old gay men was just RIDICULOUS.

“BUREAU OF MISSING PERSONS” (1933). The trailer says this “gritty crime drama” was based on several real-life stories from the files of the NYPD ... but some of this shit was just insane. For instance, a man reports that his son was kidnapped, and a ransom note appears on his doorstep taped to a box of homing pigeons. The father is supposed to tie a $1,000 bill to each bird (there are five) and then release them to fly back to the kidnappers ... but the police captain (played by Lewis Stone) has a brainstorm. He says the father should tie a little wad of colored paper (instead of money) to each bird, and when he releases them to fly home A COUPLE OF COPS WILL FOLLOW THE BIRDS IN AN AIRPLANE! Because those are the only pigeons in New York, right?! And it should be easy to fly a plane at one mile an hour! Sam’s favorite vignette, however, was a missing husband who was found by police investigators shacked up with his girlfriend. Once again the captain has a brainstorm. After he convinces the wayward husband to go back to his wife and kids, he arranges to drive him to a town 60 miles away from New York City, have the local cops pick him up as a “dazed and confused” FAKE AMNESIAC and return him to his wife in Brooklyn. You know, as a way to explain his absence from home for the last four days. Holy shit, right?
“GOOD NEWS” (1947). This lightweight Broadway hit from 1927 was a “collegiate” musical set at fictitious Tait College in the Roaring Twenties. By the time Good News made its film debut in 1947, though, the premise was profoundly stupid and the entire cast of “students” looked at least 10 years too old for their parts (June Allyson and Joan McCracken, for example, were both 30+). However ... I have to admit that Peter Lawford steals the show here. I never gave him much credit as an actor — especially not as an actor in a musical — but he did a great job. My favorite musical numbers were “He’s a Ladies’ Man,” “Pass the Peace Pipe” and “Varsity Drag.” Rah!

They don’t make ’em like they used to, people. “THE TAKING OF PELHAM ONE TWO THREE” from 1974 was a gritty mega-hit for smart suspense and action starring Walter Matthau as the chief of New York City’s transit police force and Robert Shaw as the ruthless leader of a four-man criminal team trying to hold a subway car filled with passengers for ransom. Sam and I love this movie and never miss a chance to watch it. According to the Internet Movie Database, though, the 2009 remake with Denzel Washington and John Travolta was a ridiculous mess. I’ll honestly NEVER understand the premise of remaking a hit film!

One final thought before I publish this post and work on a couple of new greeting card designs. Please sign a petition to tell Congress to support the Presidential Tax Transparency Act!
Thank you for signing and thank you for reading this. Seriously.

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