Tuesday, June 14, 2016

Donald Trump is a pair of chapped lips superglued to a hairball.

Shalom to you and yours from the fine people at Howdygram headquarters! Today I’m pleased to announce the arrival of a fat and exceptionally official envelope from the Department of Health and Human Services that heralds my enrollment in Medicare — drum roll! — and launches yours truly into the wild and crazy world of Parts A and B, Advantage Plans, Medigap insurance and thoroughly annoying Part D prescription drug coverage. Incidentally ... can somebody please tell me WHY IS INSULIN SO FUCKING EXPENSIVE when it’s been around since 1921?!

I thought y’all might enjoy a peek into the creative, anti-Trump writing skills employed by Gawker.com, which is one of my all-time favorite websites. What follows is a list of Gawker’s best Trump descriptions since the start of 2016. (I would like to suggest an empty bladder before you start reading. And God bless the First Amendment.) Here we go! Donald Trump is a ...
  • Seagull dipped in tikka masala
  • Bursting landfill of municipal solid waste
  • Mountain of rotting whale blubber
  • Sputum-filled Orange Julius
  • Gangrenous gaping wound
  • Racist, sexist block of aged Cheddar
  • Oversized wasp exoskeleton stuffed with old mustard
  • Neo-fascist real estate golem
  • Abandoned roadside ham hock
  • Monument to human hubris crafted out of rotting Spam
  • A walking pile of reanimated roadkill
  • Heaving carcass
  • Stately hot dog casing
  • Flatulent leather couch
  • Swollen earthworm gizzard
  • Narcissistic bowl of rotten gazpacho
  • Yellowing hunk of masticated gristle
  • A human/Komodo dragon hybrid
  • Blackening scab artfully hiding in your Raisin Bran
  • “Taco truck”
  • A man who could one day become the first hobgoblin to enter the White House
  • A pair of chapped lips superglued to a hairball
  • Horsehair mattress stuffed with molding copies of Hustler
  • Malignant corn chip
  • Human Kinder Egg whose inner surprise is a tiny pebble of rat shit
  • The sculpture your three-year-old made out of soggy ground-up goldfish snacks
  • A man with the hair of a radioactive skunk
  • Roiling Cheez Whiz mass
  • Cryogenically frozen bog man
  • A glistening, shouting gristle mass with a history of saying terrible and stupid things
  • Screaming giant cheese wedge
  • Republican frontrunner and 250-pound accumulation of rancid beef
  • Day-Glo roadside billboard about jock itch
  • Temperamental gelatinous sponge
  • Sentient hate-balloon
  • A Rumpelstiltskin inflated with a bike pump and filled with bacteria
  • Sun-kissed ass plug
  • Self-tanning enthusiast
  • An enraged, bewigged fetus blown up to nightmarish size
  • Parental pile of burnt organic material
  • Human-shaped wad of Gak
  • Walking irradiated tumor
  • Uncooked chicken breast
  • KKK rally port-a-potty holding tank
  • Neon-tinted hellion
  • A plentiful field of dung piled into the shape of a presidential candidate
  • Malfunctioning wind turbine
  • Seeping fleabag
  • Sloshing styrofoam takeout container filled with three-day-old mac and cheese
  • A sticky, grabby, Cheeto-hued toddler with no sense of adult deportment
  • Figurative rubber, and also literal rubber
  • A carnivorous plant watered with irradiated bat urine
  • Sentient waste disposal plant
  • A disappointment
  • Poorly-drawn fascist
  • Racist teratoma
  • Lamprey eel spray-painted gold
  • A hair that you pluck, causing a cluster of hairs to sprout in its place
  • Sunken, corroding soufflé
  • Nacho cheese golem
  • Undead tangerine
  • A cartoon representation of Irritable Bowel Syndrome in a pharmaceutical ad
  • Fossilized meatball
  • Horking mole-creature suffering from radioactive spray-tan
  • Tattered Craigslist sofa
  • A full-grown Monopoly dog carefully balancing a spongecake atop his head
  • Play-Doh factory explosion
  • A new superfood made of finely-ground clown wigs
  • Unkempt troll doll found floating facedown in a tub of rancid Beluga caviar
And while I’m on a roll here I guess I’ll just continue today’s anti-Trump tirade with the following breaking news! Yesterday Herr Trump, the Manhattan orangutan, opened up a can of nuclear stupid when he boasted that, as President, he would cripple ISIS’s ability to use radio and thus destroy terrorism as we know it for the rest of our lives.
This is almost as good as when Trump was asked who were his top foreign policy advisors and he said: “I’m speaking with myself, number one, because I have a very good brain and I’ve said a lot of things.”

Apparently he also talks with himself about how groups such as ISIS communicate with their followers and came away completely baffled that we haven’t somehow found a way to take away their ability to use radios.

“How do we allow them to have radio?” Trump asked Fox and Friends yesterday morning. “With radio, you know where the signals are coming from. It’s not hard to find out where the signals are coming from. How do we allow them to have radio?!”

But Donald ... why stop with radio? Why do we allow them to have toilet paper? Or gym socks? Or mobility scooters? Or cell phones?

Holy shit.

And speaking of shit, check out this video clip from earlier today where Trump accuses American soldiers of stealing a vast amount of aid money targeted for Iraq. 

Donald Trump’s contempt for the U.S. military is absolutely pathological. After famously calling John McCain a “loser” because he was captured and tortured by the North Vietnamese — while Trump sat out out the war back home with hot chicks, a sports car and a bullshit medical deferment — he more recently used the military as a front to avoid participating in an uncomfortable primary debate and then refused to give veterans the money he raised until he was exposed by the press.

And now, in a perfect Democratic campaign ad that’s writing itself, Trump is accusing unnamed Iraq War veterans of stealing millions upon millions of dollars from the U.S. government ... with zero proof. The contempt in his voice is nauseating.

In light of the above, you probably won’t be surprised to learn that Republican presidential candidate Donald Trumplethinskin has won another Putz of the Week award from the Howdygram! This time Donald has decided to lash out at the Washington Post and revoke their credentials to cover his campaign due to “phony and dishonest reporting.” The publication will no longer have access to press areas at his presidential campaign events.
How ironic. When you consider than Trump’s entire campaign has been “funded” by free media, why would he cut his own lifeline?! Maybe he’s not as smart as America thinks he is!

“Based on the incredibly inaccurate coverage and reporting of the record setting Trump campaign, we are hereby revoking the press credentials of the phony and dishonest Washington Post,” Trump wrote on Facebook. The Washington Post is one of the nation’s largest newspapers and has assigned a team of reporters to produce a book about Trump that is scheduled to be released later this year.

Nice move, orange clown. Keep shoving away all those major news organizations! The less I see of your juvenile temper, insults, ignorance and bigotry, the better. What a fucking putz.

Yikes. I think that’s more than enough Donald Trump for one day, don’t you? Sam just got home from work so it’s time now to relax, eat things, watch a movie and refill my pill sorter for the week ahead. It’s a full life, isn’t it?

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