It’s officially impossible to sit, walk or smile … and I want to strangle somebody.

Howdy, people. I don’t know how long I’ll be able to sit here typing tonight due to having a thoroughly miserable day of pain (details follow) and not feeling especially motivated towards creativity of any kind whatsoever. It started when I woke up this morning at 7, and four hours later I was already too uncomfortable (actually, I was crying) and couldn’t continue to sit in the study. As I write this post: 1) the skin on the back of both thighs feels like a third degree burn; 2) there’s a screaming baby toe on my left foot caused by gout and a massive ingrown corn; 3) neuropathy pain in both heels that’s reminiscent of plantar fasciitis plus shooting sparks on the outside of my right thigh; and last but not least 4) arthritis pain in both knees. Therefore it’s officially impossible to sit, walk or smile ... AND I WANT TO STRANGLE SOMEBODY!

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In case you give a crap, tonight’s entertainment at Howdygram headquarters has included a nice dinner (battered fish fillets with Wal-Mart tartar sauce), “Project Runway” (Helen the bitch finally got kicked off the island!) plus a couple of fine old movies ... Submarine D-1 (1937) starring Pat O’Brien, Wayne Morris and George Brent, and 42nd Street (1933) starring Warner Baxter, Bebe Daniels, Dick Powell and Ruby Keeler … the tap-dancing Clydesdale. If you’re interested, I’ll provide a brief review of each movie below the photos.

SUBMARINE D-1. Ann Sawyer (played by Doris Weston) apparently has half the submarine Navy — “Butch” Rogers (Pat O’Brien), Lieutenant Commander Matthews (George Brent) and “Sock” McGillis (Wayne Morris) — beating the crap out of each other trying to marry her, especially after her fiancé (briefly played by Regis Toomey) is killed in a submarine accident. It was a silly part of the plot. The rest, however, wasn’t too bad at all, with genuine submarine film footage, believable bar fights, sleazy broads, military pals, practical jokes, screwy rivalries, comic relief (Frank McHugh as “Lucky”) and really good underwater rescues. As far as I could tell nobody had any visible tattoos. The Howdygram is pleased to award Submarine D-1 with our ★★★ rating (three stars out of five).

42nd STREET. I have no idea how or why Ruby Keeler had so much success as a dancer because I thought she was ATROCIOUS. She was clumsy, graceless (is that a word?), had to look down at her feet when she tapped and flailed her arms all over the place like a spastic windmill. Every time I watch 42nd Street I want to throw the remote at her face! But Ruby Keeler aside, the rest of the film is terrific. It has a really good story line about Julian Marsh (Warner Baxter) producing a new Broadway musical with 100% of the funding being paid by a rich old sleazeball named Abner Dillon (Guy Kibbee) so his sweetie, Dorothy Brock (played by Bebe Daniels), can be the leading lady. Dorothy is actually in love with Pat Denning (George Brent) … and it’s genuinely heartbreaking to watch her push Pat aside so Abner won’t know she’s being deceptive. When Dorothy breaks her ankle 24 hours before opening night, she’s replaced by Peggy Sawyer (Ruby Keeler), an inexperienced novice from the chorus … for reasons we still can’t figure out. There are some cute Busby Berkeley production numbers, Dick Powell (as leading man Billy Lawler) sings a couple of songs, and 42nd Street is good entertainment. (I want to stop singing “Shuffle Off to Buffalo” now.) The Howdygram awards 42nd Street with our ★★★★ rating (four stars out of five).

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I’m in agony and I have to move myself into the family room because it’s time for a bowl of Campbell’s soup, some opioids and “People’s Court.” Thank you for reading this. (I’ll be back later if I feel up to it, okay?)