Thursday, June 9, 2016

Our Clots “R” Us Do-It-Yourself Blood Clot Clinic was open for business this afternoon.

Hi, guys. I considered skipping today’s Howdygram post for one reason and one reason only: I can’t think of anything to write, not counting the following potential subjects: 1) I’m heading into another battle with Dr. M’s office regarding why the fuck don’t they respond to prescription refill requests; 2) if you’ve never tried Hormel Compleats’ Chicken Breast with Mashed Potatoes and Gravy you’re in for a glorious surprise; 3) I’ve got seven more new free fonts for you; and 4) my Clots “R” Us Do-It-Yourself Blood Clot Clinic was open for business this afternoon.

Other than that I’ve got nothing whatsoever to write about. Deal with it, okay?

It’s that time again, people! Howdygram headquarters’ Clots “R” Us Do-It-Yourself Blood Clot Clinic was open for business this afternoon because my last result was a little high and Dr. M asked me to do a re-test in two weeks. In other words, today. BRING THE KIDS! FREE PARKING! BALLOONS!

You may or may not know that I’m a heart patient taking Coumadin — a blood thinner — to prevent dropping dead from a stroke, and at least once a month I need a routine blood test to monitor my clotting time so it stays within a safe range. Because I also have a lot of mobility issues and it’s almost impossible for me to stuff my shitty knees into a car, drive 90 seconds to the lab at Baylor Family Health Center and then watch Sam wrestle my oversized wheelchair in and out of the trunk, early last year I invested in my own CoaguChek XS meter (pictured below), the exact same hoo-hah they use at my doctor’s office, so I can test at home. And having just performed the required test, today’s clotting result was 3.6. TOO DAMN HIGH AGAIN.
Higher numbers mean my clotting speed is way too slow ... so if I cut myself, yank a hangnail or fall off the front porch I could bleed to death before the paramedics get here. An ideal test result should be between 2 and 3, so Dr. M will no doubt adjust my dose of Coumadin and ask me to test again in two weeks. This gets expensive, in case you’re interested. A can of six stinking cardboard test strips costs about 45 bucks.

I need to interject something here: DR. M’S OFFICE IS IGNORING ME AGAIN. For the last few months I’ve experienced some rather obnoxious response wait-times to my emails and voice-mail messages for routine prescription refills. A month ago I actually had to send Sam over to the Baylor Family Health Center to pound his fists on the front desk and demand my refill for Amitriptyline after Dr. M’s nurse ignored three emails and two voice-mails from yours truly and about 15 faxes from my Wal-Mart pharmacy. I was so angry I gave him explicit permission to choke people until their eyeballs popped out ... but he didn’t. He’s too polite.

A few days later I ran into the same kind of problem with my Gabapentin refill, except this time the nurse from hell displayed her ignorance of basic arithmetic when she couldn’t figure out how many 300 mg capsules I would need if I’m taking 2700 mg per day. Hmm. That’s nine capsules a day times 30 days in a month times three months. Or 810 capsules for a 90-day supply. She couldn’t figure it out. She called me at least four times and sent the same number of emails until I was ready to tear my hair out. Eventually Dr. M was so fed up with the whole fucking mess she wrote two different prescriptions for the same medication — both of them wrong — and left me to mix and match a bucket of capsules to get what I needed.

Unfortunately, it’s time for another Gabapentin refill and already Dr. M’s nurse is ignoring me. I sent a refill request first thing yesterday morning via Baylor’s online patient health portal. I should have had an answer on the same day but I didn’t get one. And I didn’t get an answer today, either, so I sent email number two after dinner. Please stay tuned for further information but feel free to resume your normal routine in the meantime.

Hoo boy, are these cute, or what? I’ve got seven more ADORABLE FREE FONTS for you today, and I think I like all of them equally ... not counting “Water,” “Jeboy” and “Charisma,” which are slightly more wonderful than the rest of them. (Does that sentence even make sense?) Download links appear after the graphic so you can add these to your own private collection or hand them out as free gifts for Flag Day, which is coming up on June 14. Nothing says “I LOVE AMERICA” like a wad of free fonts!

FYI, “Breezy” and “Madeline” are part of a two-font bundle, and “Charisma” includes a set of alternates and a bunch of curlicue doodads in separate font files. Wow!

I also have some new digital background images to show you ... another gorgeous and 100% free “update” for The Ultimate Gold Box that I bought from Creative Market a while back. The designer — a well-intentioned doofus named Charlie — apparently doesn’t realize he should be charging actual money for all these images. This week’s free monthly update (no, that’s not a typo) included 15 identical images in each of the following four colors:
No kidding, people, I love this stuff. Right now I’m feeling so goddamn creative that I wish I could sit at my desk 24 hours a day for two weeks nonstop, designing gorgeous products for The Howdygram Store! I’m rarely comfortable enough to sit at my desk more than four hours at a time, though, due to leaking pressure sores and insanely hyper-sensitive skin on the back of my thighs. My bursts of creativity are frequently punctuated by spontaneous leaping and screaming. And lots of drugs.

Thank you for reading this. Seriously.

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