Friday, June 24, 2016

Introducing Sam’s Lone Star hot sauce collection!

Hey. Wondering where I’ve been for the last few days? I have a one-word answer: RIGHT HERE! (Okay, two words.) However I haven’t posted anything to the Howdygram because I was very busy working on projects for The Howdygram Store ... such as our new adorable wireless mice that coordinate with all of our mousepad designs! This involved a great deal of work, believe it or not, including: 1) designing artwork for 45 mice; 2) saving the aforementioned artwork as high-resolution PNG files; 3) uploading the artwork to Zazzle and creating each wireless mouse one-by-one; 4) writing product descriptions; 5) assigning a store category; 6) embedding search key words; and 7) I can’t think of anything else.

Seriously ... are these cute, or what?
In addition — and just in time for Sam’s birthday next week! — I’ve created an exciting line of custom hot sauces for The Howdygram Store!
Sam’s Lone Star hot sauces come in the following five flavors:

The Rusty Spur Armadillo Juice and Ass-Slappin’ Round-Up Sauce are both made with habanero peppers ... and they’re HOT. The other flavors are considered “mild to medium” heat. I think you should try them all immediately. Thank you.

National embarrassment Donald Trump was in Turnberry, Scotland, this morning ... just in time to address the international emergency created by yesterday’s Brexit vote in the United Kingdom and Prime Minister David Cameron’s subsequent resignation.

Just kidding.

Trump was definitely in Turnberry, Scotland, but NOT to do anything presidential or even remotely intelligent like discuss the U.K.’s vote to exit the European Union and offer his views on international affairs. Instead he stood at an outdoor podium to deliver a shameful 15-minute commercial for his new hotel and golf course surrounded by a sea of Nazi golf balls. I wouldn’t make this up. Reporters who showed up to cover the event were FLABBERGASTED.
In a later press conference Trump said he’s predicting the break up of the entire European Union following Britain’s vote to leave. “It looks like it’s on its way and we’ll see what happens,” he said. He also predicted that Germany — the EU’s most important member — might also leave due to battles with immigration. Because Donald Trump is a fucking genius and he’s got all the answers, right?

“I have a lot of friends living in Germany who have always been proud Germans,” Trump said. “Now they’re thinking about moving.” He described his friends as patriotic “to a level you wouldn’t believe.” We’d believe it, Donald. They’re being represented by all those red golf balls strewn at your feet.

Yum, guys! Hormel’s Compleats Cheese Manicotti with Meat Sauce might be the PERFECT MINIATURE MEAL for housebound senior citizens like yours truly who can’t stand up to cook things any more. Not only is it “shelf-stable” (no refrigeration needed) and unbelievably cheap ($2.38 from Wal-Mart), I tried it for the first time tonight and the quality just blew me away. Tasty meat sauce with recognizable vegetables, LARGE CHUNKS OF GENUINE MEAT, and three decent-sized manicotti stuffed with a mighty tasty cheese filling. Sam loves this one, too, so I just ordered another half-dozen. You just can’t beat a meal like this for two bucks! Thank you, Hormel!

I have awarded Compleats Cheese Manicotti with Meat Sauce our coveted five-chopper rating.

Approximately 40 morons attending a Tony Robbins seminar in downtown Dallas yesterday at the Kay Bailey Hutchison Convention Center suffered burn injuries after walking across hot coals in what was described as “a motivational event.” Jesus H. Christ.

Trainers for Robbins' motivational seminars told local News 8 reporters that walking on coals is a very emotional experience for people, and that participants were doing something they didn’t think was possible. And it ISN’T possible, you fucking idiots! YOU’RE GOING TO BURN!

But the painful reality for a large number of people attending Robbins’ sold-out “Unleash the Power Within” seminar involved ambulances, paramedics, burn injuries to their feet and legs ... and a lot of embarrassment because tickets to this fucking fiasco cost about $2,500. Seriously.
Good night and shalom from Texas, y’all. Thank you for reading this!

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