Thursday, June 30, 2016

Announcing this week’s fuck-ups from the Donald Trump campaign.

Happy Thursday and hi-de-ho from Howdygram headquarters, which actually consists of one housebound editrix (me) in hot and sticky north Texas. I will verify that statement with the following authentic screen shot from Yes, boys and girls, it’s a FUCKING INFERNO down here, and we’re entering a dreaded Triple-Digit Zone that typically runs through mid-September. Yee-haw, right?

Yesterday was adorable Sam’s 57th birthday! He had a vacation day from work, allowing us ample time to celebrate with birthday cards, sporadic singing, “Columbo” reruns, naps, mucho smooching and chicken burritos from Chipotle. But even with all these unparalleled festivities I couldn’t give him the one birthday present he really wanted: TO BE SIX YEARS OLDER SO HE CAN RETIRE.
I always remind him that when he’s six years older I’ll be 71 ... so happy birthday and PLEASE SHUT UP ALREADY.

According to the bloviating orangutan from Manhattan there’s a reason why he isn’t doing so hot in the polls ... and it’s certainly NOT because a majority of U.S. Americans hate Donald Trump’s bigoted guts and don’t intend to vote for him. The real reason is that, although a yooge number of people in this country totally want him to be King of the Forest, they’re also terrified to admit this to the anonymous minimum-wage voice conducting the poll over the phone. So in a panic they say they’re voting for Hillary Clinton instead, proving that Donald Trump’s supporters are not only a “silent majority,” they’re also really stupid and frightened.
Trump has been citing two possibilities. First, Brexit polled poorly in the U.K. but wound up passing, and second, “The Bradley Effect,” referring to California’s 1982 gubernatorial election where all the polls projected that Black Person Tom Bradley would win but actually lost by a lot to a white dude because white voters didn’t want pollsters to think they were racist so they just said they’d vote for Bradley. This is what Trump thinks is happening to him. People don’t want to admit being morons.

But wait ... there’s more!
On Tuesday it was reported that Donald Trump has been bombarding members of Parliament in the U.K. with desperate emails begging for money to fund his campaign against “Crooked Hillary,” and last night another story surfaced that Trump and his mental case sons also sent the same solicitation emails to every member of Iceland’s Parliament. And ditto for Australia and Denmark. So much for pretending to be a self-funding billionaire!
And although nobody’s been able to figure out why the Trump campaign is doing this, the FEC is prepared to file federal charges because it’s illegal to solicit or accept campaign contributions from foreign nationals.

Another yooge story this week comes from The Washington Post. It’s the leaked short-list of Donald Trump’s running mates ... and this shit’s as lame and scary as you’d expect. Former (disgraced) House Speaker and moon colony proponent Newt Gingrich has emerged as the leading candidate (oy, Jesus H. Christ) followed by New Jersey Governor Chris Christie. But there are more than a half-dozen others being discussed as possibilities. Hang on and get ready.
The second tier consists of Senators Jeff Sessions and Bob Corker. Who?! After them comes gay-bashing Indiana Governor Mike Pence, and the last group includes a relatively unknown roster of right-wing fanatics: Senators Richard Burr, “Tehran Tom” Cotton (the evil asshole who spearheaded a Senate campaign to discredit President Obama by writing a letter directly to the foreign minister of Iran), John Thune, Joni Ernst (the Tea Party lunatic who brags that she castrates hogs with her bare hands), and Oklahoma’s anti-abortion Governor Mary Fallin.

I think I need to transfer my carcass into the family room now for a couple of pleasant movies while I wait for Sam to get home from work. He’ll be late tonight and called about an hour ago to let me know. I HATE WHEN HE WORKS LATE because there’s nobody here to scratch my back, bring me a glass of ice or get me a Yoplait whip from the refrigerator. (I love those.)

Thank you for reading this!

No comments: