It’s happening! It’s happening!

Know what? My dream came true today, people! I started shlepping around the house again with just my cane ... and without my walker! Now I’m the same handicapped old lady I was two weeks ago before I landed in Baylor Hospital (pictured below) for seven days, bedridden, to recover from sepsis. It’s been a hell of an experience. (Oy.) I would like to extend my thanks to Sam for his never-ending love, support and world class back-scratches, and to Jell-O for their outstanding sugar-free chocolate pudding cups.

Baylor Hospital in Sunnyvale, Texas.

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The Howdygram is pleased to introduce tonight’s cinematic masterpiece ... The Phantom from 10,000 Leagues (1955), a miserable sci-fi slop-fest starring Kent Taylor and Cathy Downs. I’m positive you never heard of them, however, and for good reason: THEY’RE ATROCIOUS.

This is basically the story of a ridiculous radioactive sea creature — made from a shag carpet with eyes like gigantic poached eggs — that begins terrorizing a beachfront community and murdering various townspeople. We also have a couple of “brilliant” college professors vying for attention and publicity, a couple of semi-attractive young women with pointy 1950s “road-cone” boobs, inept cops, evil men with harpoon guns shooting at secretaries from cliffs above the beach … ALL WITH NO ACTING ABILITY WHATSOEVER.

Sam and I have always loved cheesy science fiction, but this abortion definitely takes the cake. The Phantom from 10,000 Leagues offers: 1) idiotic “sets” that include one chair, one coffee table, one desk, one rotary-dial phone and a fake window; 2) toy guns; 3) a pathetic script; 4) three women who wear the same outfit in every scene; and 5) shitty cinematography by one person with a 16mm movie camera. Sam and I suggest taking drugs before you watch this movie because you’ll NEVER be able to enjoy it straight. (Trust me.) In the meantime, the Howdygram is forced to award this movie with a one-star ★ rating, as it just doesn’t get much lower than that. Thank you.

“The Phantom from 10,000 Leagues” (1955). Holy mother of crap.

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That’s about it for tonight, people. Sam is already unconscious next to me on the sofa, and he looks so damn comfortable that I might be convinced to follow his lead … even though it’s not even 10 p.m. yet. (Maybe I’ll try to hold out for another hour. I can surf the Internet and buy things from Wal-Mart.)

Please do your best to remember the Alamo, even if it’s only for 15 minutes. And thank you for reading this.