Thursday, March 2, 2017

Guess who signed on for season 24 of ABC’s “Dancing with the Losers.”

I promised a medical update when my lab results were ready, remember? In a word, they turned out REALLY SWELL (okay, two words) and I’d like to share the highlights with you and yours before I forget.

My A1C glucose is 5.7, which is so goddamn perfect I can hardly believe it, my cholesterol is 136 and my triglycerides are 107. I don’t really understand all the other numbers, abbreviations and results — a few are slightly high, a few are slightly low — but I guess they’re considered awfully damn good for an overweight senior citizen with mobility issues and a pile of chronic illnesses. Dr. M actually said my labs all looked “great” and I should see her again in three months. I suppose my kidney labs were fine, too, because she didn’t comment on them specifically — no news is good news, right? — or tell me to see my kidney specialist for a checkup. (Thank God, because it’s too far to travel and my last two visits were a total waste of time.) In addition to diabetes, high blood pressure, a heart condition, plantar fasciitis and diabetic neuropathy, I also have stage 1 renal disease.

Apparently the lab also did a complete “drug test” panel due to it being a yearly requirement in Texas if your doctor is prescribing opiates (I take Norco). Therefore please note that I tested negative for amphetamines, barbiturates, benzodiazepines, cocaine, methadone, PCP, cannabinoids (marijuana) and propoxyphene, and the only positive result, of course, was opiates. God bless my opiates.

I passed. Woo-hoo!

Hey, in case you can’t wait to find out who the fuck signed on for season 24 of “Dancing with the Stars Losers,” ABC announced their yuge celebrity lineup yesterday morning! The only two names worth acknowledging are — you’d better sit down for this — Mr. T and Charo, a pair of performers so far past their prime that 85% of U.S. Americans probably never heard of them.
Charo — the talented Flamenco guitarist, exhibitionist and screwball “cuchi cuchi” dancer — will be on hand this season sporting a new pair of helium-pumped lips and wrinkle-hiding bangs down to her collarbone. Her Wikipedia biography says she was born in 1951 just like yours truly, but I have to dispute this bullshit with cold, hard facts because I remember watching Charo do her shtick on “The Tonight Show” with Johnny Carson when I was still in junior high school. She was already in her early 20s by then ... and married to bandleader Xavier Cugat! This means that CHARO IS TEN YEARS OLDER THAN SHE PRETENDS TO BE, and even Wikipedia acknowledges that she sued everybody on earth to “correct” her passport and birth certificate from 1941 to 1951.

As for Mr. T, his last big hoo-hah on TV was “The A Team” back in the 1980s. That’s it, folks, except for appearances on Jesus television because he’s a born-again Christian. (It’s still a mystery where he finds the dough for 115 pounds of gold chains.) In 1980 Mr. T also had a minor part in Rocky III starring Sylvester Stallone and in 2008 he appeared on a shopping channel to hawk his “Mr. T Flavorwave Oven.” This weirdo is 63 years old and hails from Chicago, because of course he does.

I’m pleased to present tonight’s pleasant herd of diverse and useful FREE FONTS. We’ve got excellent scripts, hand-drawn cuties, fancy-schmancy display fonts and even a textured font that looks like it was copied off a chalkboard (“Vintage”). My favorites here are “Luxurious Line,” “Lovable,” “Daisy Dog” and “Allspice.” The font bundle includes a lot more than four scripts, by the way ... I just didn’t bother to load them all onto my iMac. In case you want any of these for your own collection I’ll add download links after the graphic. You’re welcome.

I’m still trying to figure out how come I snagged another huge collection of free high-resolution digital background images from a few minutes ago. They send me promotional emails every now and then (even though I never signed up for them) offering various terrific free shit, so I just click the links and end up with all kinds of gorgeous files I can use for The Howdygram Store, the Howdygram, homemade design projects and anything else I can dream up. Here are a few samples from my latest bounty. (FYI, Creative Market typically sells a collection like this for $39 or more.)

It’s presently 5:20 Thursday morning, Sam is still asleep and I haven’t gone to bed yet. We’re upside-down again! However I think I’ll just hang out at my desk until Sam wakes up ... that way maybe we can have breakfast together before he goes to work. I’m seriously considering oatmeal or burned American cheese on white bread. Thank you for reading this.

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