Friday, March 17, 2017

Don’t eat Wal-Mart pizza and look out for fleas. Thank you.

Hi-de-ho, everybody, and welcome to the Howdygram! I have some REALLY YUGE NEWS this morning, so pop open a nice can of Diet Sunkist and let’s get started, okay?

I ORDERED A PILE OF FOOD FROM KENNY & ZIGGY’S DELI. Exactly as I brainstormed in the last paragraph of yesterday’s post, when Sam got home from work I placed an order with FoodyDirect for a mountain of incredible food from Kenny & Ziggy’s Deli in Houston, including a pound of corned beef, a large Jewish rye with seeds and four Hungarian stuffed cabbage rolls. I’M SO EXCITED I MIGHT HAVE A BRAIN HEMORRHAGE. Fortunately, I actually found a way to save a bunch of money on all this. Initially I planned to order Kenny & Ziggy’s corned beef sandwich kit for $69.95 — one pound of corned beef, eight slices of rye bread to make four sandwiches and a couple of dill pickles — until I priced the main ingredients separately and realized it was cheaper NOT to buy the kit. So I ordered one pound of corned beef for $28.95 and a large Jewish rye bread for $14.95 ... and I saved $26.05! Are two dill pickles really worth $26.05? Applicable food photos appear below to drive you crazy.
AMAZON FUCKED UP. A couple of days ago I ordered a new 12-cup Cuisinart coffee maker with a stainless steel thermal carafe for $64.95 ... and Amazon sent us JUST THE CARAFE. So I took another look at the product listing online, and it shows a photo of the entire coffee maker (even though you’re only buying the carafe) ... and it’s only six lousy bucks less than buying the entire appliance! I contacted Amazon and told them their listing was deceptive, and they emailed a prepaid return shipping label and a nice apology. I immediately ordered the same Cuisinart coffee maker from Wal-Mart.
MISSING IN ACTION: ONE CARTON OF TASTY HORMEL COMPLEATS. I have to call Wal-Mart this morning about a shipment that’s gone missing so they can credit my Visa card. The missing order includes a pile of Hormel Compleats Chili with Beans, Hormel Compleats Turkey & Dressing, two packages of Mountain House freeze-dried Macaroni and Cheese for helpless senior citizens and two jars of Heinz country gravy. I already reordered because I need all these products in stock at home while Sam is away in California. I do NOT want to starve to death.

Hi, font lovers ... look what I’ve got for you! FOUR MORE FREE FONTS! “Sutro” is another of those terrific layering fonts with outlines and inlines and a variety of 3-D shading possibilities. I used three layers for the sample below (a black outline with a pale taupe inline and a red fill). “Ricotta,” “Dunling” and “Snowboarding” will be adorable for greeting card designs. (If you’ve never seen my online store, click here.)

Wal-Mart has recalled 10½ tons of fresh pizza due to Listeria contamination, the USDA announced Wednesday. These are Wal-Mart’s 16-inch extra large supreme pizzas sold under the Marketside label with lot code 20547.

This is a Class I recall, which means it’s “a health hazard situation with a reasonable probability that using the product will cause serious adverse health consequences or death.” Therefore consumers are urged not to eat any poisoned pizzas because diarrhea and imminent dropping dead are an unappetizing way to spend the weekend. What the fuck, right?

I also need to give a shout-out to a scary illness that’s spreading quickly here in Texas. It’s a frequently-fatal bacterial disease carried by fleas and lice. Researchers at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention aren’t sure why there’s been a large increase in the number of Murine Typhus cases in Texas other than the rampant population of opossums. (The flea involved infests opossums and rodents.)

Traditionally Murine Typhus was found only in southern Texas, in areas where there’s more poverty, but in recent months more cases have been seen in San Antonio, Houston and Dallas. Climate change, maybe?!

Don’t eat Wal-Mart pizza and look out for fleas. Thank you.

Have a nice day, y’all.

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