Monday, January 23, 2017

Take two comedies and call me in the morning.

It’s been a while since my last serious Kvetch Report. Even though my overall chronic pain level has been unusually low for the last few weeks — and sometimes even nonexistent — tonight I’m dealing with a fever, a urinary tract infection that looks like a Louisiana bayou and uncontrollable urges to pish with no advance warning whatsoever. I feel like CRAP. When I checked my temperature about half an hour ago it was 99°, and that’s high for me because “normal” is usually around 96°. Please feel free to send me some chicken soup with a minimum of two matzo balls and a large container of sugar-free lemon Jell-O. Thank you for your support.

Sam and I enjoyed a couple of wonderful funny movies last night and I’d like to recommend both of them: 1) Petticoat Fever (1936) starring Myrna Loy and Robert Montgomery; and 2) Road to Singapore (1940) starring Bob Hope, Bing Crosby and Dorothy Lamour. I sincerely believe there are no finer films to lift your sagging spirits in the face of impending political disaster. (I refer, of course, to Donald J. Trump.)

PETTICOAT FEVER is a screwball comedy set in Labrador (of all places). Robert Montgomery plays a telegraphy operator named Dascom Dinsmore working at a remote frozen outpost except for his Eskimo houseboy, Kimo. When a small plane crash-lands in the snow en route to Montreal, the pilot and his fiancée (Reginald Owen and Myrna Loy) wind up as Montgomery’s unexpected houseguests. Watching Dascom react to his first interaction with a beautiful woman in more than two years is positively PRICELESS.

And it should come as no surprise whatsoever that ROAD TO SINGAPORE is one of Hope and Crosby’s best comedies with some of their best gags and musical numbers. The only exception might be Road to Rio (1947), in which Bob Hope does an unforgettable dance routine in drag (i.e., Carmen Miranda) that will make you spit your coffee into another county.  
You need to see both of these movies as soon as possible and stop watching videos about the world’s largest and most successful inauguration in history starring Donald Trump, which was a actually steaming pile of horseshit as evidenced the following photo. Countless pictures of empty bleachers all along the parade route looked exactly like this one. First Trump’s staff claimed the empty stands were due to somebody forgetting to distribute tickets. Then they blamed the “white ground cover” on the Mall for making it only look like nobody was there. Then it was magnetometers, then it was dishonest reporting that took pictures before people had a chance to fill the stands, then it was Photoshopping the crowd photos to make everybody disappear, and now (because every other lie fell apart) they’re just falling back on “alternative facts” with a big FUCK YOU to America.
Nothing will help you forget faster than some good movies. I recommend that you take two comedies and call me in the morning.

Thank you for reading this.

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