Don’t know what to buy? Here’s my 2014 Birthday Wish List.

It’s almost here, people! My birthday is November 1, and because inquiring minds want to know — and generous friends and relatives want to SHOP — here’s the information you’ve been waiting for. Links are provided wherever possible. Please send an email if you need my shipping address, okay? Thank you in advance for your overwhelming generosity.

• Dim sum from Hong Kong Royal in Carrollton, Texas. Shrimp dumplings in particular and a few of those good rolled-up tofu thingies with hot sauce.
• Diabetic socks. White extra-stretchy ones.
• Teeny 12-ounce bottles of diet Mountain Dew and diet Fanta Orange for my mini-fridge in the study. You might not be able to ship these so please note that I’m willing to accept a soda pop gift certificate.
• Comic Craft’s new “Extra Extra” comic book font, which includes seven styles: Regular, Italic, Bold, Bold Italic, Heavy, Heavy Italic and Engraved. Wow. Just, WOW.
• A lot of angel hair Miracle Noodles.
• A nice set of king-size sheets, 100% cotton, in an exciting color like tan or brown. Please do NOT buy Wal-Mart’s wrinkle-free Canopy brand because they’re so thin you can shred them with your toenails. (I’m not kidding, either.)
• Armour Vienna sausages, Cheetos and Hormel canned tamales. You know, health food.
• Replacement cartridges for my Epson Workforce 635 inkjet printer.
• New feet. Small ones, preferably without diabetic peripheral neuropathy, dry skin or crappy toenails. 
• A large quantity of Thicker Fuller Hair shampoo because it really works and your hair smells like lilacs.
• Four large jars of ReliOn chewable glucose tablets from Wal-Mart, fruit punch flavor.
• A black Espree Atlas mobility scooter with a cane holder, back-up beeper and deluxe light package. (The upgraded admiral’s seat is optional.)
• A package of 12 Pilot G-2 fine point blue gel retractable pens.
• The brand new 27-inch Apple iMac with a Retina 5K display running OS X Yosemite.
• Murray’s sugar-free pecan shortbread cookies.
• Easy Touch insulin pen needles, size ½-inch 29G, box of 100.