I might be the only immobile coot in the U.S.A. with a jam-packed Saturday schedule.

Yo, everybody! I’m starting my day with the GREAT SATURDAY TRIFECTA: Pills, Popsicles and What’s for Breakfast! Having successfully completed the first two, I’m pleased to introduce today’s What’s for Breakfast menu at Howdygram headquarters … a nice big yellow bucket of CREAM OF WHEAT. You betcha! OH BOY! It’s the perfect Texas breakfast for housebound invalids on a blistering hot — 109° — summer day! And I’ve already figured out what I want for my second meal of the day … a Costco grilled Angus burger with ketchup and a mountain of chopped green olives, plus a bottle of Green River pop! (Please shoot me an email if you’d like to be invited, but I can’t promise you any Green River as there’s only one bottle left ... and it’s MINE.)

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Mazel tov to me! I just realized that I might be the only immobile coot in the U.S.A. with a jam-packed Saturday schedule! Today’s activities will include all of the events highlighted in neon red type. EATING LUNCH (see the first paragraph of this post for my perfect menu: an olive burger with a bottle of Green River pop). WASHING MY HAIR, which involves an essential No-Rinse Shampoo Cap from Amazon and Sam, our Official Necesary Towel Boy. (He always earns plenty of extra points for toweling-while-naked.) WHAT’S FOR DINNER. If I do eat a third meal today it definitely won’t be anything substantial … possibly just a can of Read’s Three Bean Salad with Yummy Dressing. (Not its actual name.)

Sam and I will also WATCH MANY, MANY INTELLIGENT MOVIES that we’ve saved up on our DVR, such as: Arséne Lupin (1932) starring John and Lionel Barrymore; a pathetically cheesy science fiction disaster — with an equally cheesy title song — called The Green Slime (1968) starring Robert Horton; Singin’ in the Rain (1952) starring Gene Kelly, Donald O’Connor and Debbie Reynolds; The Judge Steps Out 1948) starring Alexander Knox and Ann Sothern; and Close Encounters of the Third Kind (1977) starring Richard Dreyfuss and Melinda Dillon. I also watched five hours of “The People’s Court” reruns, because I don’t mind sitting through the same court cases a second time when I can fast-forward through all the commercials. (And you never can tell ... Judge Milian might even change her mind once in a while!)

You should see this one. “The Judge Steps Out” starring Alexander Knox and Ann Sothern.

Saturday turned out a little different than I originally expected. The biggest hoo-hah was, I NEVER GOT UP AT ALL TODAY. I was just plain tired, to tell you the truth, and I didn’t feel like putting any effort into standing up … even after taking a juicy dose of liquid Morphine. I also didn’t have an olive burger for lunch with Green River pop, nor did I shampoo my hair. You’ll be pleased to know that everything, therefore, has been pushed ahead to Sunday. Stay tuned!

Thank you for reading this and thank you for not sneezing at the Alamo. I think it deserves better than that (but not much, to tell you the truth).