Monday, July 30, 2018

Don’t miss my new line of absurd Donald Trump greeting cards in The Howdygram Store.

Happy Monday morning from Howdygram headquarters! It’s 8:45 a.m. and there’s significant weather on the way as I write this post … with wind, rain, possible hail and thunderstorms. We’ve been in the midst of an intense summer drought in the Dallas metro area, so any rain we get is needed desperately. It’s like a demented version of “The Grapes of Wrath” around here. We’ve got tumbleweeds rolling down the street … and they’re coughing!

So here’s what’s on my agenda today ... each item cleverly highlighted with small, bright red type. To begin, I have to call the hospice to let them know I’m brewing another unpleasant URINARY TRACT INFECTION, which began yesterday evening with severe intermittent burning and large wads of frightening sludge attempting to crawl through my catheter tube. (If you find this characterization disturbing please feel free to move on to the next section.) Next ... I’m waiting for a hospice C.N.A. to show up for MY MONDAY MORNING BATH. It’s usually Letitia at 10 a.m., but today Letitia has a day off. Therefore I’m waiting for somebody who isn’t Letitia.

In the meantime Sam and are GOING 10 ROUNDS WITH METLIFE, the cheesy dental coverage I signed up for this year through my Scott & White Vital Traditions Medicare HMO health insurance plan. Holy shit, people … MetLife is pathetic! They’ve been deducting a $17 monthly premium from my Social Security check since January, but ... 1) can’t give me the number I’m supposed to call for claim information; 2) can’t find the claim I submitted by mail at the beginning of June; 3) can’t find my patient information in their system; and 4) won’t let me talk to a supervisor! When Carlos Von Boogerbrains failed on the first three points listed above, I asked him to please email a new claim form to me so I can start over from square one. He said he isn’t allowed to email things to anybody (WTF?) but he’ll be glad to show me how to download the form on MetLife’s website. I told him nope, no way, I did NOT want to horse around with that again because the only claim form they’ve got is for MetLife employees, and that’s the same stupid form I already filled out two months ago when I couldn’t figure out what to enter for “length of service,” “MetLife location code,” “employee I.D. number, “name of immediate supervisor” … so the form has probably been in limbo since the beginning of June after I mailed it to MetLife’s P.O. box in El Paso.

Mr. Von Boogerbrains remarked to me: “I guess they didn’t know what to do with your claim because you didn’t have your employee I.D. number on it.” So I responded: “That’s because I’M NOT AN EMPLOYEE, you fart-head! Couldn’t somebody just pick up the phone and call me?”

Since I was clearly beginning to get hysterical, Sam snatched the phone out of my hand and launched into Plan B: INSISTING ON A REAL METLIFE SUPERVISOR. Problem solved! All at once they found my patient information, retrieved my unprocessed claim form and apologized. We also received a promise to process the claim within 10 days. (I’ll believe that when I see it.)

It’s nearly 2:30 p.m. now and I just finished MY WEEKLY CHECK-UP WITH STELLA. Our topic du jour was medications. After I requested a refill for Amitriptyline we discussed why am I still taking Coumadin (a blood thinner) when I don’t really have atrial fibrillation or a fast heart rate any more. Every week when Stella checks my vital signs I’ve got textbook-perfect blood pressure and a heart rate in the 70s. The hospice M.D. wants to know if I’d rather take ordinary aspirin instead of Coumadin, which is a nice idea, except I don’t want to take an NSAID drug (aspirin is in that category) because I’ve got chronic kidney disease and NSAIDs will damage my kidneys. (Frankly, I’d rather take nothing.) I’ll know more about the Coumadin issue later in the week after Stella talks to the M.D. about me. 

In a few minutes I’ll begin my daily struggle to walk to the bench here in the family room — which is literally less than 18 inches from the chaise lounge — so I can WORK AT MY iMAC COMPUTER for a few hours and upload a big stack of hilarious Donald Trump greeting card designs to The Howdygram Store. (Please keep an eye out for product illustrations. Thank you.)

I spent a considerable number of hours yesterday — at least four — designing and uploading my new collection of funny, sarcastic and altogether nasty Donald Trump-themed greeting cards for The Howdygram Store. Know what? I think I finally discovered a whole new way to deal with my political frustration! Two designs appear below for your possible interest; all are printed are on a photorealistic natural cardboard background with comic strip typography.

The Trump illustrations are from a dingbat font called “Trumpolina,” and there are at least 10 more faces I want to use for additional cards! HOLY CRAP!

Thank you for reading this. You’re amazingly swell to put up with all this nonsense.

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