Friday, April 28, 2017

The Howdygram Store is selling my adorable greeting cards like goddamn hotcakes.

Sometimes I think weirdness is the only constant at Howdygram headquarters. For instance, I had a doctor’s appointment on Tuesday afternoon that I had to cancel at the very last minute — and I mean this LITERALLY — due to not being able to get into the car. I just couldn’t lift my left leg high enough ... sixteen fucking inches! I was so disappointed I wanted to cry. Sam called Dr. M’s office while I was still twisting around in the garage and told the scheduling desk that I wouldn’t be there ... and why.

Sunday, April 23, 2017

My Potato Express was a knock-off from China and I only paid 98¢ for the damn thing.

Happy Sunday, boys and girls. It’s been strange around here today! This morning shortly after breakfast — which included teeny White Castle Cheeseburgers and a large volume of sugar-free lemonade — I got dizzy and slightly nauseated and wound up on the chaise in the family room, where I passed out for FOUR HOURS. (I’m convinced that the dizzy/nausea hoo-hah is related to a lot of morning meds on a very empty stomach.) When I woke up at 1:30 the only thing I wanted was a hot shower, a fluffy shampoo and a nice clean nightie.

Saturday, April 22, 2017

Adobe fonts were unbelievably expensive in the 1980s. A lot like buying lox.

Hey. Hi, everybody. It’s 4 a.m. and I’m totally jazzed and wide awake in the middle of the night, probably because Sam and I both conked out in the family room after dinner and slept for about four hours. When I woke up at 1 a.m. I decided to migrate into the study to horse around with my brand new iMac ... and I’m still horsing around.

Friday, April 21, 2017

I tweezed my eyebrows today.

Following seven-and-a-half hours of glorious, uninterrupted sleep last night, it’s my pleasure to welcome y’all to the Howdygram. Know what? I’m always amazed by how swell a person can feel after a good night’s sleep! And instead of shlepping myself directly into the study to check email and take my standard handful of morning meds, I chose instead to start my day (at 11:45 a.m.) with a nice hot shower, my favorite body wash, a fluffy shampoo and a fresh bathrobe. I EVEN TWEEZED MY EYEBROWS. I love being retired!

Thursday, April 20, 2017

Our new iMacs are here. I’m so excited I can’t stand it.

Hi, boys and girls. I’ve been trying to write a Howdygram post for three days but it’s been difficult getting started, and I honestly can’t figure out WHY. I guess I was feeling emotionally droopy, generally blah and not very energetic. Incidentally, to those of you who panicked that I got sick again and landed back in the hospital, please calm down. I’m fine.

Sunday, April 16, 2017

Remember Bernie Madoff? I hope his teeth fall out the day before Thanksgiving.

It’s Easter Sunday, 2:45 a.m., Sam is asleep and I’m enjoying Hormel Compleats meatloaf and mashed potatoes with tasty brown gravy because my stomach was really empty and Hormel’s little airplane-sized meals are just enough to fill me up in the middle of the night. Personally, I think this is the best variety Hormel makes ... not counting their chili with beans.

Friday, April 14, 2017

How come Jesus illustrations always make him look like the guy who rotates your tires at Pep Boys?

Good morning, boys and girls. With our Liar-in-Chief dropping the Mother of All Bombs in Afghanistan — what the fuck?! — and threatening a nuclear attack on North Korea, I’ve decided to spend a great deal of time today watching William Powell as The Thin Man and creating a pile of adorable greeting cards for The Howdygram Store. Reality is just a little “too real” right now and it’s scaring the shit out of me.  Please raise your hand if you think Twitter should shut down this asshole’s account!

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

I’ve got the best husband on earth.

I forgot to use an important graphic in yesterday’s Howdygram post so I thought I’d take care of that omission right now.

Tuesday, April 11, 2017

Greetings from the land of flying ravioli.

Good morning. It’s 4:25 a.m. and I’m covered head-to-toe in Chef Boyardee mini ravioli. I didn’t do this on purpose, of course. I was trying to consume a ridiculously late dinner that I had to skip eight hours ago due to getting food stuck in my throat, but this time the problem was SEVERE TREMORS in my hands, wrists and fingers. I was eating, carefully, and trying to hold onto that cute Chef Boyardee microwaveable cup when my wrist jerked. Everything landed in the lap of my nightgown except for two ravioli and a shpritz of meat sauce, which sailed onto the memory foam floor mat under my desk.