Sunday, January 29, 2017

Wedding products are The Howdygram Store’s biggest sellers. Go figure.

It’s 3:45 Sunday morning and the Internet is on fire with a unified and desperate shout to IMPEACH DONALD TRUMP ... and the voices are coming from every corner of society, including — surprisingly — lots of Americans who actually voted for this freak. It’s only been eight days since his pathetic inauguration ... and I’M READY TO DUMP TRUMP RIGHT NOW. Raise your hand if you agree, okay? Yesterday was Holocaust Memorial Day, and Donald Trump decided to commemorate the event by not mentioning Jews in his proclamation and then banning refugees and Muslims from entering the United States. This is the first time in my life I’ve ever been embarrassed to be an American. Holy shit, Donald Trump and the people around him are a pack of FASCISTS!

Saturday, January 28, 2017

Sarah Palin, the end of an error.

Hello, shalom, yo, how’s the family, hi-de-ho and happy Saturday morning from Howdygram headquarters! You will surely be pleased to note that I finally flipped myself into a normal sleeping pattern and woke up today at 9:15 after half a dozen pleasant hours of uninterrupted overnight sleep. Holy crap, right? And waking up early-ish also affords me the opportunity to eat a favorite breakfast ... Hormel Compleats Real Meatloaf with Nice Mashed Taters and Tan Sauce! This is amazing!

Thursday, January 26, 2017

Outrageously happy is an excellent thing to be.

I love my life, people, and being retired has some outstanding perks and benefits. These include: 1) sleeping and eating whenever the hell I want to; 2) spending all day dicking around with the Howdygram and nobody tells me to stop it and do something else; 3) I have no problem whatsoever being immobile with shitty knees because I love being housebound with Sam, my leather chaise and our new 60-inch TV; and 4) I haven’t worn a brassiere since 2011.

Wednesday, January 25, 2017

Sam is our official political activist now.

Hi, people. It’s 2:15 Wednesday morning and I’m wide awake at my desk in the study, eating crunchy stuff from Wal-Mart while I try to deal with nasal congestion, drippy eyes and a raging asshole in the White House. I have a hunch I’ll overcome a couple of these issues a lot easier than the third one. I’m just saying.

Monday, January 23, 2017

Take two comedies and call me in the morning.

It’s been a while since my last serious Kvetch Report. Even though my overall chronic pain level has been unusually low for the last few weeks — and sometimes even nonexistent — tonight I’m dealing with a fever, a urinary tract infection that looks like a Louisiana bayou and uncontrollable urges to pish with no advance warning whatsoever. I feel like CRAP. When I checked my temperature about half an hour ago it was 99°, and that’s high for me because “normal” is usually around 96°. Please feel free to send me some chicken soup with a minimum of two matzo balls and a large container of sugar-free lemon Jell-O. Thank you for your support.

Saturday, January 21, 2017

Did Donald Trump dance with Caitlyn Jenner at the inaugural ball last night?

A picture’s worth a thousand words, right?
And now for a few brief and important news bulletins!

Friday, January 20, 2017

Sam is at Dealey Plaza right now, getting ready for his first-ever protest hoo-hah.

I’m still dicking around with the Howdygram. Thursday afternoon I changed the wood background in the banner (again) and in the matching copyright section at the bottom of the right sidebar. A few more changes will show up tomorrow ... if I can stay awake long enough. This doesn’t make any sense whatsoever, because I had nine hours of sleep overnight but never really snapped out of it. An hour after I woke up I was ready to lie down again. I’m upside-down.

Thursday, January 19, 2017

“Here lies the body of one Millard Frymore ...”

I’m pleased to report that my bedtime meds definitely deliver a wallop. Aside from two antidepressants — Trazodone and Amitriptyline — that I take as a sleep aid and a pain reliever, respectively, a large dose of Gabapentin for diabetic neuropathy, Metoprolol to slow my heart rate, and Warfarin (a blood thinner), I also take a couple of Norco tablets just for the hell of it. It’s 3 a.m. and at the moment I’m feeling screwy, very creative, strangely hungry and stoned out of my mind. God, this is WONDERFUL. Thank you for putting up with me!

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

Donald J. Trump has a replacement for Obamacare: “Insurance for Everybody.”

Happy Tuesday night from the Howdygram to you and yours! Sam is in bed and I’m at my desk in the study, noshing on seriously tasteless Wal-Mart store-brand potato chips and an ice cold Diet Sunkist. Life is good. Also I’ve got a lot of exciting news, regular features and general tidbits to share with y’all. Oh boy, right? Let’s get started!

Monday, January 16, 2017

Sunday night’s weather was a real humdinger.

There were THREE HUGE NEWS STORIES at Howdygram headquarters on Sunday, which I’ll present to you below in neatly subtitled paragraphs.

Saturday, January 14, 2017

Please remember the Alamo tonight after you floss, okay?

Sam and Josh went “gallavanting” today. Due to inclement weather — i.e., an ice storm — in Oklahoma they had to skip their excursion to the Choctaw Casino in favor of sleeping late and a bowl of oatmeal followed by a driving tour of nearby cattle country, which is practically across the street. The following map indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters; and B) cattle ranches. Seriously, I wouldn’t kid you about cattle ranches.

North Texas is shrouded in dense fog tonight. I think we should order a pizza!

Hello and happy Saturday morning from Howdygram headquarters. It’s just past 3 a.m., Sam and Josh are both asleep, and I’m killing a little time until my bedtime meds kick in and knock me out. It won’t be long now. When I start drifting off, therefore, please feel free to stop reading and do a crossword puzzle.

Thursday, January 12, 2017

Trump’s Wednesday press conference was a disaster for America’s free press.

I wanted to go to bed about an hour ago but I’m postponing it because I can’t belch and it feels like I’m having a heart attack. Sam and I enjoyed Chipotle chicken burritos for dinner last night — we love them! — but six hours later mine is still sitting in my stomach like an anvil. Maybe I ate too fast. In the meantime I’m slugging a Diet Sunkist soda with a weird expression on my face and waiting for relief. Stay tuned for a digestion update.

Wednesday, January 11, 2017

I’ll bet you’re old enough for our senior discount!

Happy Wednesday morning to you and yours! It’s 12:03 a.m., Sam is conked out in the family room pretending to watch Rachel and the Stranger (1948) starring Loretta Young and William Holden, and I’m ensconced here in the study with all kinds of compelling news for you ... such as free fonts, new background graphics, a billion exciting senior discounts, our seven-day weather forecast, and — best of all — I’m ready to make FANCY DEVILED EGGS this afternoon! So let’s get started, shall we?

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

Messala was here last night trying to rob our house.

Hi-de-ho from Texas, people. I’m not exactly sure if I feel motivated enough to write a meaningful Howdygram post so maybe I’ll just ramble for a while and see where it leads me. In case you’re interested in a brief Kvetch Report, at the moment I’m experiencing: 1) a slight fever; 2) a mild headache; 3) an itchy back especially in the center; and 4) hunger for something other than the weirdo Veggie Straws with Sea Salt that I’ve been gnawing for the last half-hour, which aren’t salty enough for my taste buds and not very filling. To cheer myself up I might nuke a Hormel Compleats Turkey & Mock Dressing with Beige Sauce. Yes!

Saturday, January 7, 2017

Spring returns on Monday. I wonder where Sam hid my sandals.

I need to report that it’s 17° outside — SEVENTEEN STINKING DEGREES! — with a wind chill that drops it down to 9°. This is uncommonly frigid for Texas, believe me. Winter here is rarely below freezing; 9° is downright ridiculous. Fortunately this won’t last very long, as illustrated by the following screen shot from Spring returns on Monday. I wonder where Sam hid my sandals.

Friday, January 6, 2017

Sugar-free Almonettes cookies with sugar-free Pillsbury chocolate fudge frosting. Oh my God.

This hasn’t been an easy morning for me. I’ve been awake since 4 a.m. wrestling with various obnoxious, severe and unrelenting pain issues, including burning skin on the back of both thighs, a hideous rash and a pressure in my chest because I had to belch. (Seriously.) To keep myself distracted I’m reading a lot of baloney on the Internet, downloading more free fonts (check them out in the next section), drinking diet ginger ale and eating Cheetos two at a time. CHEETOS SOLVE EVERYTHING.

Wednesday, January 4, 2017

Burned American cheese tastes better than raw American cheese.

There’s a strong chance this will be a short Howdygram post because I don’t have anything special to write about, I’m not feeling particularly creative and I actually feel quite uncomfortable sitting at my desk in study due to burning pain on the back of my thighs. It’s fucking impossible to be funny when you’re waiting for Norco to kick in! But that’s likely to change at any moment. Or maybe not. I’m rambling.

Monday, January 2, 2017

Costco sells hard-boiled eggs.

Monday night, 9 p.m., just finished dinner. Nothing fancy. A couple of nice frozen chicken things on pita bread from Costco. With cheese. And now maybe somebody can explain why I sound like Sergeant Joe Friday from “Dragnet.”

Sunday, January 1, 2017

Trump says he has a secret trusted advisor on cyber security and Russian hacking.

Don’t look now ... but 2016 finally ground to a halt last night! I’m 65, and I’m positive that this was the most exhausting, revolting, emotionally-draining year I can ever remember ... even taking into account 1986 (finding out I had uterine cancer) and 1995 (divorcing my first husband). Therefore, in light of the obvious obstacle to happiness in the year ahead — i.e., Donald J. Trump, unless we can impeach the jerk by mid-February — I will instead wish each of you, and yours, a tolerable 2017. If we can squeak by with “tolerable” maybe I’ll finally be able to digest my food again.