Sunday, April 23, 2017

My Potato Express was a knock-off from China and I only paid 98¢ for the damn thing.

Happy Sunday, boys and girls. It’s been strange around here today! This morning shortly after breakfast — which included teeny White Castle Cheeseburgers and a large volume of sugar-free lemonade — I got dizzy and slightly nauseated and wound up on the chaise in the family room, where I passed out for FOUR HOURS. (I’m convinced that the dizzy/nausea hoo-hah is related to a lot of morning meds on a very empty stomach.) When I woke up at 1:30 the only thing I wanted was a hot shower, a fluffy shampoo and a nice clean nightie.

Saturday, April 22, 2017

Adobe fonts were unbelievably expensive in the 1980s. A lot like buying lox.

Hey. Hi, everybody. It’s 4 a.m. and I’m totally jazzed and wide awake in the middle of the night, probably because Sam and I both conked out in the family room after dinner and slept for about four hours. When I woke up at 1 a.m. I decided to migrate into the study to horse around with my brand new iMac ... and I’m still horsing around.

Friday, April 21, 2017

I tweezed my eyebrows today.

Following seven-and-a-half hours of glorious, uninterrupted sleep last night, it’s my pleasure to welcome y’all to the Howdygram. Know what? I’m always amazed by how swell a person can feel after a good night’s sleep! And instead of shlepping myself directly into the study to check email and take my standard handful of morning meds, I chose instead to start my day (at 11:45 a.m.) with a nice hot shower, my favorite body wash, a fluffy shampoo and a fresh bathrobe. I EVEN TWEEZED MY EYEBROWS. I love being retired!

Thursday, April 20, 2017

Our new iMacs are here. I’m so excited I can’t stand it.

Hi, boys and girls. I’ve been trying to write a Howdygram post for three days but it’s been difficult getting started, and I honestly can’t figure out WHY. I guess I was feeling emotionally droopy, generally blah and not very energetic. Incidentally, to those of you who panicked that I got sick again and landed back in the hospital, please calm down. I’m fine.

Sunday, April 16, 2017

Remember Bernie Madoff? I hope his teeth fall out the day before Thanksgiving.

It’s Easter Sunday, 2:45 a.m., Sam is asleep and I’m enjoying Hormel Compleats meatloaf and mashed potatoes with tasty brown gravy because my stomach was really empty and Hormel’s little airplane-sized meals are just enough to fill me up in the middle of the night. Personally, I think this is the best variety Hormel makes ... not counting their chili with beans.

Friday, April 14, 2017

How come Jesus illustrations always make him look like the guy who rotates your tires at Pep Boys?

Good morning, boys and girls. With our Liar-in-Chief dropping the Mother of All Bombs in Afghanistan — what the fuck?! — and threatening a nuclear attack on North Korea, I’ve decided to spend a great deal of time today watching William Powell as The Thin Man and creating a pile of adorable greeting cards for The Howdygram Store. Reality is just a little “too real” right now and it’s scaring the shit out of me.  Please raise your hand if you think Twitter should shut down this asshole’s account!

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

I’ve got the best husband on earth.

I forgot to use an important graphic in yesterday’s Howdygram post so I thought I’d take care of that omission right now.

Tuesday, April 11, 2017

Greetings from the land of flying ravioli.

Good morning. It’s 4:25 a.m. and I’m covered head-to-toe in Chef Boyardee mini ravioli. I didn’t do this on purpose, of course. I was trying to consume a ridiculously late dinner that I had to skip eight hours ago due to getting food stuck in my throat, but this time the problem was SEVERE TREMORS in my hands, wrists and fingers. I was eating, carefully, and trying to hold onto that cute Chef Boyardee microwaveable cup when my wrist jerked. Everything landed in the lap of my nightgown except for two ravioli and a shpritz of meat sauce, which sailed onto the memory foam floor mat under my desk.

Tuesday, March 28, 2017

Sam, David and Aunt Adie demonstrate the world-famous “Sam wave.”

I am fucking miserable right now. FUCKING MISERABLE. Frankly, this might be the worst day I’ve ever had for pain in the history of America. And here’s my official and completely scientific Shit-O-Meter readout to prove it.

Monday, March 27, 2017

I’m probably the only person in history who gets blisters on the bottom of her feet from sleeping.

Good morning from north Texas, y’all, where we’re expecting a high today of 86° with a shitload of sunshine. This would be acceptable summer weather anywhere in the world, but here in Texas it’s still very early spring, so I’d be willing to bet we’re our way to record-breaking heat this year. Not necessarily hotter than usual ... but a lot more 100°+ days.

Saturday, March 25, 2017

I don’t know any of the neighbors well enough to request a foot examination.

A new day, a new crisis. Remember when I mentioned “intense heel pain” in the opening paragraph of yesterday’s Howdygram post? I assumed it was diabetic peripheral neuropathy, but it wasn’t. I’VE GOT A BLEEDING BLISTER! Bleeding! I discovered it about an hour ago in the study when I kicked off my slippers and the fabric was covered in blood. HOLY MOTHER OF CRAP. I can’t examine the wound for myself due to zero flexibility, and I don’t know any of the neighbors well enough to request a foot examination while Sam is in California cavorting with his BFF.

Friday, March 24, 2017

I can’t be funny when I feel like shit.

I’ve got a yooge revelation for you, boys and girls: I CAN’T BE FUNNY WHEN I FEEL LIKE SHIT. For the last seven days the skin on the back of my thighs felt like it was burned with a blow torch, and whenever this happens — more often than I care to admit — absolutely NOTHING makes me comfortable. Not even White Castle cheeseburgers or a few extra doses of Norco. The cause of all this is DIABETIC PERIPHERAL NEUROPATHY, the same crap that: 1) makes my toes scream; 2) shoots intense pain through my left heel and “electric shocks” down the outside of my thighs; and 3) turns my hands and fingers numb. I’m presently experiencing all of the above.

Friday, March 17, 2017

Don’t eat Wal-Mart pizza and look out for fleas. Thank you.

Hi-de-ho, everybody, and welcome to the Howdygram! I have some REALLY YUGE NEWS this morning, so pop open a nice can of Diet Sunkist and let’s get started, okay?

Thursday, March 16, 2017

Holy moly. I just had a brainstorm!

Happy Thursday morning, people. It’s 6 a.m. and I haven’t been to bed yet. This really isn’t as wretched as it sounds, however, because I enjoy being up all night to horse around at the computer designing things. This time it was more greeting cards, a couple of mugs and fresh category graphics for The Howdygram Store. I also spent quite a few hours organizing a treasure of new high-resolution digital backgrounds and textures that I bought from a designers’ website called Design Cuts ... it’s a gigantic bundle of 2,400 images (53 separate collections) for only $26. (Priced separately they would total more than $2,000.) Holy crap! THIS IS DELICIOUS!

Wednesday, March 15, 2017

I’ve been dicking around with the Howdygram again.

It’s 4:15 Wednesday morning here at Howdygram headquarters and I haven’t been to bed yet, although for four solid hours (from 10:30 last night till 2:30 a.m.) I was sprawled out on the chaise in the family room watching and sleeping through a couple of my favorite movies, namely The Rains Came (1939) starring George Brent, Tyrone Power and Myrna Loy, and The Seven Year Itch (1955) starring Tom Ewell and Marilyn Monroe.

Saturday, March 11, 2017

I’ll gladly provide more information on a need-to-know basis.

Yo from Howdygram headquarters! It’s a spectacular and balmy springtime afternoon that’s bursting with sunshine ... and once again I’m at my desk in the study with a bowl of Campbell’s chicken noodle soup that definitely isn’t hot enough, but what the hell. Also some saltine crackers.

Tuesday, March 7, 2017

One of my favorite human beings has died.

Holy crap, I really didn’t mean to do this again. It’s been FIVE WHOLE DAYS since my last post! I haven’t been sick, thank God, just all wrapped up in my other favorite addiction ... namely, creating new greeting cards for The Howdygram Store. Here are three of my latest designs for your possible interest. There are 14 new cards in all and I’m still uploading the artwork, writing descriptions, choosing keywords and so on. This is a tedious — but seriously BIG FUN — process.

Thursday, March 2, 2017

Guess who signed on for season 24 of ABC’s “Dancing with the Losers.”

I promised a medical update when my lab results were ready, remember? In a word, they turned out REALLY SWELL (okay, two words) and I’d like to share the highlights with you and yours before I forget.

Tuesday, February 28, 2017

Bill Pullman isn’t dead.

Happy Tuesday morning, boys and girls! It’s 7:20 a.m. and Sam is on his way to work as I write this post ... his first day at a BRAND NEW JOB after four glorious months of rest and downtime at home. This is the first new job he’s had in more than 12 years and (with any luck) it will be his LAST. Sam actually considers this to be semi-retirement, with a return to commercial printing, no stress and normal daytime hours.

Sunday, February 26, 2017

Please let me make your protest signs, okay?

As February winds down I realize this has NOT been a swell month for writing Howdygram posts, mostly due to a number of distractions and miscellaneous issues that had to take precedence. These have included: 1) designing greeting cards for The Howdygram Store; 2) trying not to have a nervous breakdown about the fascist slob residing in the White House; 3) sleeping and/or watching a large number of old movies; and 4) finding local protest events for Sam — he’s part of the “resistance” movement now — and designing appropriate signs he can wave at the TV cameras. For your possible interest, today at 3 p.m. Sam will be protesting Congress’ threat to repeal the ACA at Representative Jeb Hensarling’s office in north Dallas. Here are the three signs I made for today’s event.

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

Trump’s first 30 days were punctuated by fuck-ups, failures and meaningless campaign promises.

It’s 1:30 Tuesday morning, but I’m not sure how long I’ll be able to sit at my desk typing right now because I’ve got a miserably high fever and I feel like CRAP. In case you’re interested my fever is 101.2°. “Normal” for me is around 96°, which means 101.2° is really HIGH. Also: 1) my joints and muscles are killing me; 2) I’m sweaty and hot as an iron; and 3) I have zero bladder control. ZERO! If that’s too much information please figure out how to deal with it. Thank you.

Sunday, February 19, 2017

Introducing “Tiny Trump” ... let’s all laugh at our Asshole-in-Chief!

Know what? It’s 5:15 Saturday afternoon and Sam is unwell. We’re not exactly sure what’s wrong with him aside from a low body temperature (96.5°), tired feet and overall fatigue, so he ate a fresh grapefruit cup from Costco and decided to treat himself to a nap in the family room. As for yours truly, I’m here in the study with the Howdygram and a bowl of Manischewitz canned matzo ball soup ... and I’ve got a few of my own health issues, such as: 1) a full-blown TASTE DISORDER due to diabetic neuropathy where everything I eat tastes like fucking cardboard; 2) an INTESTINAL DISTURBANCE; and 3) very bad BURNING SKIN PAIN on the back of both thighs because I forgot to ask my resident caregiver (i.e., Sam) to apply barrier cream after my shower this morning. It’s extremely uncomfortable to sit at my desk right now and, as a result, I might have to shlep back to the chaise in the family room and watch a Myrna Loy movie. It’s always something, isn’t it?

Friday, February 17, 2017

I’m almost too damn drugged to walk.

Yo. I thought I’d take a few minutes to start a Howdygram post even though I’m not having much luck keeping my eyes open. I’ve been drooping from side to side at my desk for the last hour or so, and it mostly feels like I’m almost unconscious. I don’t understand this. I woke up this afternoon at 3 after seven very solid hours of sleep, and the time at the tone will be 6:05 p.m. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?

I never turn down anything that I don’t have to pay for.

Hope y’all are having a rootin’-tootin’ Friday! It’s 2:35 a.m., Sam is asleep and I’m polishing off a nice cold Diet Sunkist in a plastic cup. It’s a wonderful life.

Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Trump didn’t want the White House press corps to watch him play golf on Saturday. So guess what he did!

I started writing a Howdygram post overnight and just lost ALL OF IT. Holy shit, I’m devastated. I was about 80% finished, and everything is gone now! I guess I’ll have to start over and try to remember what I was writing about ... which won’t be easy, because I can’t even remember what I just ate for breakfast. I HATE THIS.

Saturday, February 11, 2017

Now, more than ever ... I totally hate my goddamn feet.

Please, please, please ... don’t yell at me! I took a short break from the Howdygram this week to revamp The Howdygram Store on Zazzle because business has been picking up — like really a LOT — and I wanted to reorganize my product listings with a few new categories and subcategories and redesign my store banner. Once you get started with a hoo-hah like this you can’t stop until you’re done, and it actually took six days to wrap it up. I’m not completely through tweaking yet, but I missed the Howdygram so much I decided to write a post tonight before I go to bed.

Sunday, February 5, 2017

You should check out the savings with Consumer Cellular.

It really wasn’t my plan not to write Howdygram posts for the last few days, so I’ll explain what happened in two words: I GOT SICK. (Okay, three words. Get over it.) I had — and still have — a fever, an seriously over-active bladder situation, an intestinal hoo-hah, lots of body aches and overall muscle pain. Sam, of course, has been taking care of me. At the moment it’s 4 o’clock Sunday morning and he’s on his way from the kitchen with a hot vat of oatmeal. We’d both been trying to conk out since midnight with no luck whatsoever, and I even watched two of my favorite “sleeping” movies back-to-back — Yours, Mine and Ours (1968) with Henry Fonda and Lucille Ball, and Murder at the Gallop (1963) with Margaret Rutherford — but I never even closed my eyes! So here I am at my desk in the study with a can of Diet Sunkist, the Howdygram, oatmeal and you. It’s a full life, isn’t it?

Thursday, February 2, 2017

Sam brought home dinner from Eatzi’s. We ate like we hadn’t seen food for a month.

Hello, shalom, hi-de-ho and happy Thursday morning from Howdygram headquarters! It’s my plan to be asleep on the chaise in the family room within the next 60 minutes so I’ll have to type like a maniac to squeeze everything into this post as fast as I can. You might also need to know that I’m still recovering from a bout of overall ill health, a statement that includes all of the following complaints: 1) arthritis pain in my knees; 2) watery eyes; 3) a substantial fever above 99°; 4) burning skin issues on the back of both thighs; and 5) rather serious neuropathy pain in the heel of my left foot and also three toes. (The other two toes feel fine. It’s sweet of you to worry about them.)

Sunday, January 29, 2017

Wedding products are The Howdygram Store’s biggest sellers. Go figure.

It’s 3:45 Sunday morning and the Internet is on fire with a unified and desperate shout to IMPEACH DONALD TRUMP ... and the voices are coming from every corner of society, including — surprisingly — lots of Americans who actually voted for this freak. It’s only been eight days since his pathetic inauguration ... and I’M READY TO DUMP TRUMP RIGHT NOW. Raise your hand if you agree, okay? Yesterday was Holocaust Memorial Day, and Donald Trump decided to commemorate the event by not mentioning Jews in his proclamation and then banning refugees and Muslims from entering the United States. This is the first time in my life I’ve ever been embarrassed to be an American. Holy shit, Donald Trump and the people around him are a pack of FASCISTS!

Saturday, January 28, 2017

Sarah Palin, the end of an error.

Hello, shalom, yo, how’s the family, hi-de-ho and happy Saturday morning from Howdygram headquarters! You will surely be pleased to note that I finally flipped myself into a normal sleeping pattern and woke up today at 9:15 after half a dozen pleasant hours of uninterrupted overnight sleep. Holy crap, right? And waking up early-ish also affords me the opportunity to eat a favorite breakfast ... Hormel Compleats Real Meatloaf with Nice Mashed Taters and Tan Sauce! This is amazing!

Thursday, January 26, 2017

Outrageously happy is an excellent thing to be.

I love my life, people, and being retired has some outstanding perks and benefits. These include: 1) sleeping and eating whenever the hell I want to; 2) spending all day dicking around with the Howdygram and nobody tells me to stop it and do something else; 3) I have no problem whatsoever being immobile with shitty knees because I love being housebound with Sam, my leather chaise and our new 60-inch TV; and 4) I haven’t worn a brassiere since 2011.

Wednesday, January 25, 2017

Sam is our official political activist now.

Hi, people. It’s 2:15 Wednesday morning and I’m wide awake at my desk in the study, eating crunchy stuff from Wal-Mart while I try to deal with nasal congestion, drippy eyes and a raging asshole in the White House. I have a hunch I’ll overcome a couple of these issues a lot easier than the third one. I’m just saying.

Monday, January 23, 2017

Take two comedies and call me in the morning.

It’s been a while since my last serious Kvetch Report. Even though my overall chronic pain level has been unusually low for the last few weeks — and sometimes even nonexistent — tonight I’m dealing with a fever, a urinary tract infection that looks like a Louisiana bayou and uncontrollable urges to pish with no advance warning whatsoever. I feel like CRAP. When I checked my temperature about half an hour ago it was 99°, and that’s high for me because “normal” is usually around 96°. Please feel free to send me some chicken soup with a minimum of two matzo balls and a large container of sugar-free lemon Jell-O. Thank you for your support.

Saturday, January 21, 2017

Did Donald Trump dance with Caitlyn Jenner at the inaugural ball last night?

A picture’s worth a thousand words, right?
And now for a few brief and important news bulletins!

Friday, January 20, 2017

Sam is at Dealey Plaza right now, getting ready for his first-ever protest hoo-hah.

I’m still dicking around with the Howdygram. Thursday afternoon I changed the wood background in the banner (again) and in the matching copyright section at the bottom of the right sidebar. A few more changes will show up tomorrow ... if I can stay awake long enough. This doesn’t make any sense whatsoever, because I had nine hours of sleep overnight but never really snapped out of it. An hour after I woke up I was ready to lie down again. I’m upside-down.

Thursday, January 19, 2017

“Here lies the body of one Millard Frymore ...”

I’m pleased to report that my bedtime meds definitely deliver a wallop. Aside from two antidepressants — Trazodone and Amitriptyline — that I take as a sleep aid and a pain reliever, respectively, a large dose of Gabapentin for diabetic neuropathy, Metoprolol to slow my heart rate, and Warfarin (a blood thinner), I also take a couple of Norco tablets just for the hell of it. It’s 3 a.m. and at the moment I’m feeling screwy, very creative, strangely hungry and stoned out of my mind. God, this is WONDERFUL. Thank you for putting up with me!

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

Donald J. Trump has a replacement for Obamacare: “Insurance for Everybody.”

Happy Tuesday night from the Howdygram to you and yours! Sam is in bed and I’m at my desk in the study, noshing on seriously tasteless Wal-Mart store-brand potato chips and an ice cold Diet Sunkist. Life is good. Also I’ve got a lot of exciting news, regular features and general tidbits to share with y’all. Oh boy, right? Let’s get started!

Monday, January 16, 2017

Sunday night’s weather was a real humdinger.

There were THREE HUGE NEWS STORIES at Howdygram headquarters on Sunday, which I’ll present to you below in neatly subtitled paragraphs.

Saturday, January 14, 2017

Please remember the Alamo tonight after you floss, okay?

Sam and Josh went “gallavanting” today. Due to inclement weather — i.e., an ice storm — in Oklahoma they had to skip their excursion to the Choctaw Casino in favor of sleeping late and a bowl of oatmeal followed by a driving tour of nearby cattle country, which is practically across the street. The following map indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters; and B) cattle ranches. Seriously, I wouldn’t kid you about cattle ranches.

North Texas is shrouded in dense fog tonight. I think we should order a pizza!

Hello and happy Saturday morning from Howdygram headquarters. It’s just past 3 a.m., Sam and Josh are both asleep, and I’m killing a little time until my bedtime meds kick in and knock me out. It won’t be long now. When I start drifting off, therefore, please feel free to stop reading and do a crossword puzzle.

Thursday, January 12, 2017

Trump’s Wednesday press conference was a disaster for America’s free press.

I wanted to go to bed about an hour ago but I’m postponing it because I can’t belch and it feels like I’m having a heart attack. Sam and I enjoyed Chipotle chicken burritos for dinner last night — we love them! — but six hours later mine is still sitting in my stomach like an anvil. Maybe I ate too fast. In the meantime I’m slugging a Diet Sunkist soda with a weird expression on my face and waiting for relief. Stay tuned for a digestion update.

Wednesday, January 11, 2017

I’ll bet you’re old enough for our senior discount!

Happy Wednesday morning to you and yours! It’s 12:03 a.m., Sam is conked out in the family room pretending to watch Rachel and the Stranger (1948) starring Loretta Young and William Holden, and I’m ensconced here in the study with all kinds of compelling news for you ... such as free fonts, new background graphics, a billion exciting senior discounts, our seven-day weather forecast, and — best of all — I’m ready to make FANCY DEVILED EGGS this afternoon! So let’s get started, shall we?

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

Messala was here last night trying to rob our house.

Hi-de-ho from Texas, people. I’m not exactly sure if I feel motivated enough to write a meaningful Howdygram post so maybe I’ll just ramble for a while and see where it leads me. In case you’re interested in a brief Kvetch Report, at the moment I’m experiencing: 1) a slight fever; 2) a mild headache; 3) an itchy back especially in the center; and 4) hunger for something other than the weirdo Veggie Straws with Sea Salt that I’ve been gnawing for the last half-hour, which aren’t salty enough for my taste buds and not very filling. To cheer myself up I might nuke a Hormel Compleats Turkey & Mock Dressing with Beige Sauce. Yes!

Saturday, January 7, 2017

Spring returns on Monday. I wonder where Sam hid my sandals.

I need to report that it’s 17° outside — SEVENTEEN STINKING DEGREES! — with a wind chill that drops it down to 9°. This is uncommonly frigid for Texas, believe me. Winter here is rarely below freezing; 9° is downright ridiculous. Fortunately this won’t last very long, as illustrated by the following screen shot from Spring returns on Monday. I wonder where Sam hid my sandals.

Friday, January 6, 2017

Sugar-free Almonettes cookies with sugar-free Pillsbury chocolate fudge frosting. Oh my God.

This hasn’t been an easy morning for me. I’ve been awake since 4 a.m. wrestling with various obnoxious, severe and unrelenting pain issues, including burning skin on the back of both thighs, a hideous rash and a pressure in my chest because I had to belch. (Seriously.) To keep myself distracted I’m reading a lot of baloney on the Internet, downloading more free fonts (check them out in the next section), drinking diet ginger ale and eating Cheetos two at a time. CHEETOS SOLVE EVERYTHING.

Wednesday, January 4, 2017

Burned American cheese tastes better than raw American cheese.

There’s a strong chance this will be a short Howdygram post because I don’t have anything special to write about, I’m not feeling particularly creative and I actually feel quite uncomfortable sitting at my desk in study due to burning pain on the back of my thighs. It’s fucking impossible to be funny when you’re waiting for Norco to kick in! But that’s likely to change at any moment. Or maybe not. I’m rambling.

Monday, January 2, 2017

Costco sells hard-boiled eggs.

Monday night, 9 p.m., just finished dinner. Nothing fancy. A couple of nice frozen chicken things on pita bread from Costco. With cheese. And now maybe somebody can explain why I sound like Sergeant Joe Friday from “Dragnet.”

Sunday, January 1, 2017

Trump says he has a secret trusted advisor on cyber security and Russian hacking.

Don’t look now ... but 2016 finally ground to a halt last night! I’m 65, and I’m positive that this was the most exhausting, revolting, emotionally-draining year I can ever remember ... even taking into account 1986 (finding out I had uterine cancer) and 1995 (divorcing my first husband). Therefore, in light of the obvious obstacle to happiness in the year ahead — i.e., Donald J. Trump, unless we can impeach the jerk by mid-February — I will instead wish each of you, and yours, a tolerable 2017. If we can squeak by with “tolerable” maybe I’ll finally be able to digest my food again.