Wednesday, November 30, 2016

Am I the only one who thinks Donald Trump resembles the nutsack of an orangutan?

Yo. I should be asleep right now, but severe exhaustion never stopped me from writing Howdygram posts in the past, so why start now? I’ll just keep going until I run out of words or my head hits the keyboard. Bear with me. (If I stop typing just give me a nudge.)

Tuesday, November 29, 2016

Open for business ... our Clots “R” Us Do-It-Yourself Blood Clot Clinic.

Shalom, good morning and hi-de-ho to you and yours on this dismal Tuesday morning in north Texas. It’s really, really overcast right now. There’s no rain in the forecast, though, so I guess we’ll just have to deal with clouds. Meh.

Monday, November 28, 2016

The 2016 Table Lamp Hoo-Hah ... an incident of historic proportions.

Good morning, boys and girls! It’s 3:30 a.m. here in Howdygramland and we’re still waiting for the rain and thunderstorms that originally were supposed to start last night by 7 p.m. This is so typical of, isn’t it? LIARS! BALONEY ARTISTS! FRAUDS! And I’m not too fond of their STUPID BULLSHIT “NAMED” WINTER STORMS, either.

Sunday, November 27, 2016

No rain, confusing fonts and a very dead dictator.

It’s a lovely, seriously beautiful Saturday here in north Texas with pleasant late November temperatures and a shitload of sunshine. There’s nary a drop of rain in sight even though we desperately need a multitude of inches due to ANOTHER FUCKING DROUGHT. Apparently our next big weather hoo-hah could be Monday (a 90% chance of morning thunderstorms) and again a week from today, but I just can’t believe it. The meteorologists at are all lying sacks of poo because they keep predicting rain and we never get it.

Friday, November 25, 2016

Nothing hurts today. Holy crap.

Yo, hi-de-ho, shalom and HAPPY BLACK FRIDAY from your buddies at Howdygram headquarters! In case you’re interested and for the record, Sam and I do NOT intend to blow any money whatsoever today on fake bargains, bogus sales and crap we don’t need. We will, however, purchase a six-foot extension cord and maybe order a new table lamp for the family room from Ashley Furniture because the pair of lamps that came Wednesday are, in my view as the official household decorating maven, too small.

Thursday, November 24, 2016

I’m doing yams tomorrow for our Annual Festival of Leftovers.

It’s Thursday, November 24 — Thanksgiving 2016 — but it’s a little too early to start thinking about what time to throw our bird in the oven as it’s only 4:30 a.m. and I’ve got Hormel Compleats meatloaf and mashed potatoes in the microwave on my desk. I’m starving. I briefly considered a couple of pretzel rods but desperately wanted something with gravy. A nice portrait of the aforementioned meatloaf appears below.

Tuesday, November 22, 2016

I’m not a very good multi-tasker unless it involves eating lunch and planning dinner at the same time.

I know, I know, I know. It’s been nearly five whole days since my last Howdygram post. If you have to know why, it’s because I’ve been busy designing coffee mugs for The Howdygram Store and I’m not a very good multi-tasker unless it involves eating lunch and planning dinner at the same time. Seriously.

Thursday, November 17, 2016

How many of you didn’t realize, like me, that Thanksgiving is only one week from today?

It’s the wee hours of Thursday morning here at Howdygram headquarters. Sam is in bed and I’m wide awake with pain issues. These include: 1) burning and pinching skin pain on the back of my thighs; 2) a bleeding blister on the back of my left thigh; 3) a rotten rash in a variety of locations that are none of your business; and 4) I can’t think of anything else at the moment but you’ll be the first to know if this changes, okay? In the meantime I think I’ll just sit here and whine for a while.

Tuesday, November 15, 2016

Don’t poo-poo Paducah.

I am NOT HAPPY tonight. Not happy one tiny little bit. And why am I not happy? Because of reasons, which are listed for you below. Thank you.

Monday, November 14, 2016

Everything is completely kablooey!

What a difference a day makes, right? Sam and I both felt so terrific all day on Sunday ... and now, during the wee hours of Monday morning, everything is completely kablooey! A couple of hours ago Sam showed me an area on top of his left foot where the dermatologist did a needle biopsy on Friday. It doesn’t look good at all — dark red, probably infected, etc. — and it’s also causing him a lot of pain. Sam painted it with a liquid bandage product as an anesthetic but said he’d call the doctor first thing today to find out what can be done. He’s seriously MISERABLE. I’m thinking he might need a box of Klondike bars.

Sunday, November 13, 2016

Please don’t overlook Yoder’s canned bacon.

Hi-de-ho and a happy Sunday to you and yours from The Howdygram! It’s high noon, and while Sam is canoodling around at Tom Thumb — cream cheese for him, a pleasant loaf of French bread for moi — I’m pleased to provide the following Kvetch Report.

Friday, November 11, 2016

Sign this petition and you’ll be younger, thinner, richer and happier. Trust me.

There’s a big thing I forgot to include in my last post so I’ll do it right now. Thank you.

Aetna is not discontinuing my Medicare HMO plan for 2017 and Lenny is a moron.

Hello, bon jour and howdy from Texas, where your favorite blogger is attempting to cope with a week of monumental horseshit and unexpected disappointment. And I’m NOT just talking about the results of Tuesday’s election, either ... I’m also talking about my brand new Medicare health insurance plan with Aetna, which imploded yesterday after I contacted eHealth Medicare — the Internet broker that set me up with Aetna two months ago — to find out if any other plans had cheaper Part D drug co-pays because Sam had a couple of unpleasant cash register surprises at Wal-Mart’s pharmacy on Tuesday.

Wednesday, November 9, 2016

Oy, holy shit and Jesus H. Christ on a soda cracker.

I have nothing else to say right now. It’s 3:45 a.m., Sam is in bed and has no idea whatsoever that Donald Trump won the presidency. When he gets up in a few hours he’ll be completely ballistic, pissed and freaked out ... just as I am right now.

Tuesday, November 8, 2016

The 2016 election has been a truly unique clusterfuck of unspeakable magnitude.

It’s Election Day 2016, around 11:30 p.m., and we still don’t have a new president. The Manhattan orangutan has been surging in key battleground states but CNN insists that Hillary Clinton still has “the advantage.” I have no idea what that means.

Thursday, November 3, 2016

If I don’t get some sleep I’ll scare the crap out of everybody at Baylor Medical Center today.

I’ll begin this post with the biggest hoo-hah in sports from the last 108 years: THE CHICAGO CUBS WON THE WORLD SERIES LAST NIGHT! I didn’t watch game seven on purpose because I think I’m a jinx, so I decided to wait for the scores on my Facebook news feed. This is so fucking fantastic I think I’ll pop open a can of diet root beer!

Tuesday, November 1, 2016

Tonight we decided to “Thai one on” for dinner with a carryout food orgy.

Hi, boys and girls ... and happy Tuesday night to all of you! Do you know what today is?