Monday, October 31, 2016

I have what’s known as an “addictive personality disorder.”

Before I forget ... I’ve got an important better-late-than-never holiday greeting from The Howdygram to all my readers worldwide.

Friday, October 28, 2016

I enjoyed a juicy senior citizen shopping spree this week.

Yo, people, and happy Friday to you and yours! I have to type this Howdygram post as fast as possible for three very good reasons: 1) it’s 2:30 in the morning and I’m tired; 2) the skin on the back of my left thigh feels like somebody just set it on fire; and 3) I have to pee. Under the circumstances I know you’ll gladly overlook an occasional typo and/or mentally ill sentence construction. Thank you.

Tuesday, October 25, 2016

Watching TV is a totally amazing, theater-quality experience now. Pass the popcorn.

Good morning to y’all from the carefree, wide-open spaces of north Texas!  At the moment I’m enjoying a favorite senior citizen breakfast — Lipton Cup-a-Soup and a can of diet ginger ale — while I get hysterical about all the excellent movies I’m recording today, tomorrow and Thursday on TCM. I will list them for you below. The red stars denote my personal favorites. Thank you.

Saturday, October 22, 2016

Somewhere in Mesquite tonight there’s a needy family enjoying our old Sony TV.

I guess you’ve probably noticed my chic new blog logo, right? I’ve actually been dicking around with the Howdygram’s various artistic elements for more than two weeks until finally settling on the overall “look” you’re enjoying right now. I’m finally happy, people. Yee-haw!

Friday, October 21, 2016

Everybody likes a friendly feel now and then, right?

Hello, howdy-do, shalom and how’s the family from your friends at Howdygram headquarters! It’s 3 a.m. and I’m waiting for a line of thunderstorms to roll through here. I’m not holding my breath, however, because is run by lying sacks of poo, and the bulk of the rain — which should have been here THREE HOURS AGO — is still hovering northeast of Abilene. The teeny red star on the following map denotes Howdygram headquarters. Wave to me. It gets lonely here in the middle of the night. (Thank you.)

Tuesday, October 18, 2016

Personal milestones and accomplishments.

I had one hell of a monumental weekend, people ... one that was jam-packed with PERSONAL MILESTONES AND ACCOMPLISHMENTS. I’ll elaborate for you now in neatly subtitled paragraphs. (You can thank me later.) But first I’d like to share the following quote by an extremely intelligent French person. If you never heard of Voltaire you have my sympathy. Also, please click here immediately, okay?

Saturday, October 15, 2016

News bulletin: Dish Network does home theater installations on Sundays!

Good morning, boys and girls! It’s 5:40 a.m., Sam just left for work and I’m polishing off a tasty little tub of Hormel Compleats Cheese Manicotti with Actual Meat Sauce and Spicy Black Flecks That Are Probably Cracked Peppercorns.

Thursday, October 13, 2016

I hope I’m well enough now to get my Howdygram posts back on track again.

I know, I know ... it’s been too long since my last Howdygram post. Calm down for a minute so I can explain WHY, okay?

Saturday, October 8, 2016

There’s a lot of hoo-hah going on around here.

It’s hard to believe that I haven’t written a Howdygram post since Wednesday. Trust me, nobody’s more disappointed about this than yours truly, but I didn’t have a choice based on the following four reasons: 1) severe pain; 2) severe pain; 3) severe pain; and 4) did I mention SEVERE PAIN. Once again it was an issue with those goddamn pressure sores on the back of both thighs (I’ve got three of them now) and a very large blood blister BLEEDING CRATER that breaks and heals at least once a week. Sam is in charge of the dressings and bandages. (We go through a lot of supplies here. I might have to start a GoFundMe page.)

Wednesday, October 5, 2016

Monday, October 3, 2016

Oh boy ... it’s open enrollment season for old coots on Medicare!

Thank God for Sam. No kidding, people, he saves my life every goddamn day. This morning I woke up on the chaise in the family room in severe pain after the big surgical bandages on the back of my thighs curled up during the night and glued themselves to my open pressure sores. I can’t begin to describe the agony involved here so I’ll just assign this miserable experience with a “10” on my Shit-O-Meter scale and move on to better news: SAM FIGURED OUT A NEW AND BETTER WAY TO BANDAGE MY SORES! It’s almost 3 p.m. and I’ve been sitting at my desk since noon ... ALMOST PAIN-FREE. Wow. Thank you, Sam!

Sunday, October 2, 2016

Can you name one Republican president who ever cut spending, cut the deficit or reduced the size of government?

I’m definitely having some chronic pain issues right now and they’re making it damn near impossible to sit here in the study composing my Howdygram post. I refer specifically to EXPLODED BLOOD BLISTERS on the back of both thighs — as well as disgusting LEAKING PRESSURE SORES — that Sam bandaged for me last night after my shower. The bandages, unfortunately, all yanked off (partially) when I got up from a nap on the chaise, and since Sam was already in bed I couldn’t wake him up screaming because I’d scare the living crap out of him. At the moment I’m in FUCKING AGONY. Please bear with me, okay? To entertain you in the meantime here’s my latest Shit-O-Meter Pain Report readout.