Tuesday, August 16, 2016

Maruchan Yakisoba Spicy Chicken Japanese Noodles receives our coveted three-chopper rating.

Hello, people. It’s 2:30 Tuesday morning and I’ve been dragging my ass with this Howdygram post since shortly after lunch on Monday. Two naps, four hours of Olympics coverage and lots of drugs later, I figure I’ll start with a rewrite of my lede paragraph since what I ate for lunch 14 hours ago will interest nobody even though it was a semi-tasty tub of Maruchan Yakisoba Spicy Chicken Noodles followed by Wal-Mart peanut butter with a plastic teaspoon. In case you’re interested, Maruchan isn’t kidding about the “spicy” part.

Anyhoo, because this is the first time I’ve ever tried Maruchan’s chicken noodle thing I should really turn my comments into an official Senior Citizen Food Review. So here we go!

Maruchan makes very nice instant food. I’m a big fan of their Yakisoba Teriyaki Noodles, for example, so I thought I’d give the Spicy Chicken Noodles a shot due to housebound senior citizens such as yours truly need a little variety once in a while and I’m a big fan of spicy Asian food. So I ordered an eight-pack from Amazon.

Preparation is a no-brainer. Peel back the lid, sprinkle in the dehydrated veggie packet, add water to the fill line and nuke the container for four minutes. (I add an extra 60 seconds because the microwave on my desk if a low-watt hoo-hah from Wal-Mart.) Then you grab a fork, smoosh in the sauce powder and eat. Unfortunately, the sauce powder is huge on “heat” and low on actual flavor, because ALL YOU CAN TASTE IS MOUTH-NUMBING HOT PEPPER! I’ve got seven more containers of this stuff in the pantry, so next time I think I’ll use only 50% the sauce powder plus two little packages of soy sauce. Please stay tuned for further developments.
Incidentally, for all of the reasons outlined above I’ve decided to award Maruchan Yakisoba Spicy Chicken Japanese Noodles with our three-chopper rating. Thank you.

Look, boys and girls ... MORE FREE FONTS! There are some interesting typefaces here, and by now I thought I’d seen ’em all. “Titian Script” is strange and lumpy, “Amulhed” is hard to read and “Wenny” is downright annoying. My favorite, though, is “Ripley.” It’s gorgeous at any size, includes lots of alternate characters (I love alternate characters!) and comes in three different weights (Light, Regular and Bold). I’ll include download links after the graphic.

FYI, only three of these — “Blank Monkey,” “Ripley” and “Wenny” — are direct downloads. The other four fonts are available from me and link to my email address. (You’ll figure it out.)

In case you’re getting tired of the Olympics here’s a welcome and refreshing musical video courtesy of Dick Van Dyke. He was eating breakfast at Denny’s in Santa Monica, California, and decided to launch into an impromptu a capella performance of “Chitty Chitty Bang Bang,” the title song from a movie he made back in 1968. I love Dick Van Dyke. I’m impressed that he still remembers all the words at 90 years old ... and can sing that fast with dentures!

And now for some teeny news tidbits in case you’ve been asleep for the last 24 hours!

RUDY GIULIANI IS A RIGHT-WING DOUCHEBAG AND AN ASSHOLE. The former mayor of New York City on 9/11 claimed Monday that there had never been “any successful radical Islamic terrorist attacks in the United States” before President Barack Obama took office. Obviously Rudy has trouble remembering what happened on September 11, 2001, which was the worst attack by a foreign power EVER on American soil ... and a full eight years before President Obama took office. (What a jerk.)

JUSTIN BIEBER IS AN ASSHOLE. Bieber had to shut down his Instagram account after a bunch of female fans tore him apart for posting chummy pictures with his new girlfriend, model Sofia Ritchie. Instead of keeping his private life to himself and acting like an adult, Bieber got bent out of shape, started screeching at the “haters” and deleted his account. None of this horseshit means anything whatsoever to me, but I thought you might be interested or a few of your relatives.
SHAUNAE MILLER MIGHT BE AN ASSHOLE, TOO ... BUT I’M NOT SURE. She’s the Bahamian track star who decided to fling her entire body head-first across the finish line in Rio to win a gold medal in the women’s 400 meter. It was definitely a jaw-dropper. At first everybody thought she fell, but the dive was intentional. Wow. She didn’t even skin her knees!

SIMONE BILES IS DEFINITELY NOT AN ASSHOLE. The teeny American gymnastics superstar slipped on the balance beam and lost just enough points to land herself in third place. Tonight she’ll try again for another individual gold on the floor exercises. Don’t be mad at yourself, Simone. A bronze medal is nothing at which to sneeze. In high school I couldn’t even STAND on the balance beam!

Night, y’all. Shut the lights when you’re done here, okay?

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