Tuesday, May 31, 2016

The Howdygram Store is pleased to introduce ceramic mugs and an expanded line of mousepads.

 It’s been two whole days since my last post and I’m hoping y’all managed to survive without me. To help you catch up on the latest from Howdygram headquarters I’ll list all the hot news in well-written paragraphs with subtitles. Thank you.

Saturday, May 28, 2016

The 2016 Republican clown car lives on.

Good Saturday evening to you and yours from the shocked yet delighted editrix of your all-time favorite blog — i.e., the Howdygram — because I’m still COMPLETELY PAIN-FREE for the third consecutive day! I can hardly believe it, people. I’ve been increasing my daily dose of Gabapentin for the last couple of weeks and finally found the “magic number.” When I take 2700 mg a day my neuropathy pain FUCKING DISAPPEARS. (That’s 900 mg three times a day, for those of you who might give a shit.) My feet feel normal, my toes and heels stopped screaming, and the intense pain from burning skin on the back of both thighs is about 95% gone. Gone!

Friday, May 27, 2016

Oy ... will this be the end of the Howdygram?!

I will begin this Howdygram post — my second of the day, in case you’re keeping score — with a heretofore unseen Shit-O-Meter readout.

Donald Trump is a fraud, a chiseler, a coward, a clown, a freak of nature and an asshole.

Shalom, hi-de-ho and happy Friday morning to you and yours! It’s 7:19 a.m. and Sam is on his way to Love Field. He’s flying to Phoenix this morning to spend a couple of days with his younger brother David and his family ... three really nice people with a nice dog and a nice house in Scottsdale. In case you’re interested (and even if you’re not) here’s a screen shot of our current weather from Weather.com. The teeny red star in the center denotes Howdygram headquarters.

Thursday, May 26, 2016

Today is Shitty John Wayne Westerns Day on Turner Classic Movies.

Oy, it’s 3:45 Thursday morning and I’m wide awake. WIDE AWAKE! I made the decision to lie down on the chaise after my shower last night at 11:30 due to being dizzy and immediately slept through Run Silent Run Deep (1958) starring Clark Gable and Burt Lancaster. I missed the whole damn thing, even that scene where the screaming sailor — yes, the cute one — gets squashed by a falling torpedo. (It could give you nightmares.) Fortunately, when Sam shuffled off to bed at 2:30 I decided to transfer my carcass into the study to take my bedtime pills, shoot many units of insulin and write the Howdygram post that I clearly didn’t find time for on Wednesday.

Tuesday, May 24, 2016

Poor Sam was “farmisht” today.

My project of the week? Two words: MEDICARE INSURANCE ... because I’ll be 65 in a few months and eligible for Medicare for the first time in my life. Although I didn’t think I’d need to worry about this until Sam retires in 2022 — right now I’m covered by his company’s Blue Cross plan — after finding out that Sam is actually paying a lot more than we realized for dependent coverage I’ve decided to get prices for Medicare policies and see what’s what. I’m definitely on the right track with this, too, because private Medicare policies are geared to senior citizens and cover a lot more services — visiting nurses, durable medical equipment, free annual hearing and vision tests, cheapo E.R. visits, diabetes at-home testing supplies, etc. — for old coots than Sam’s Blue Cross plan at work, which is focused on a much younger patient population that wants maternity coverage, “well baby” care and rehab for sports injuries. I have some work to do.

Monday, May 23, 2016

Szechwan Eggplant with Garlic Sauce ... breakfast of champions.

I was jolted awake this morning around 7 by a violent storm and driving rain slamming against the windows. Apparently there had been a severe thunderstorm warning leading up to this, but when you’re sound asleep you really don’t know if twisters might be sneaking up on your house with hailstones and flying monkeys. Anyway, after watching out the window for a couple of minutes at 7 a.m. I immediately fell asleep all over again and didn’t bother to get off the chaise until 11, after which I had leftover Szechwan Eggplant with Garlic Sauce for breakfast with a wad of steamed rice.

Oy. Another horrible Listeria hoo-hah!

Hi, people. It’s me! I’m back again with the same shitty burning skin issues as last night and the same goddamn leaking pressure sores. And I’m still taking the same mountain of drugs to anesthetize myself into oblivion, although they’re not working nearly as well as I’d hoped. So what the hell ... I’ll just plow ahead with another Howdygram post and do my best not to whine.

Sunday, May 22, 2016

Howdygram tip: Sloppy Italian beef is not something a person should attempt to eat over a computer keyboard.

Hi-de-ho. I woke up from an extended and ill-advised late evening nap around 1 a.m., just in time to see the last 15 minutes of How to Steal a Million (1966) starring Audrey Hepburn and Peter O’Toole and watch sleepwalkin’ Sam shuffle off to bed. Unfortunately I’m having severe skin pain issues right now — the back of both thighs feels like somebody’s blasting them with a blow torch, plus I have those three goddamn leaking pressure sores — so I have to bounce up and down on my chair every couple of minutes to get comfortable. This is both exhausting and exceptionally stupid.

Saturday, May 21, 2016

If you play your cards right I might be back later.

Hello and a very happy Saturday morning from the pleasant people here at Howdygram headquarters. (Okay ... it’s actually just Sam and me.) As I write this post my significant other is preparing for a junket to Costco for an iPhone charger because he can’t find the one he took to Seattle earlier in the week, and I’m deciding whether or not to place an order with Prime Now, Amazon’s amazing new FREE ONE-HOUR DELIVERY service for thousands of swell products including groceries, dairy, pudding and Amy’s organic frozen pizza rolls. Woo hoo!

Friday, May 20, 2016

Free fonts, Chinese food, Rootin’-Tootin’ Sam and senior citizen kissing.

It’s 7:30 p.m. on Thursday evening and Sam is on his way home from Love Field after spending four days in Seattle. Love Field is our closest airport, the smallish one with a shitload of gates for Southwest Airlines and a few sprinkled in for Virgin America and Delta. Love Field has valet parking, nice food options, and used to be the home of cheap flights until about six months ago, at which time Southwest decided to be a lot of greedy jerks and jacked up their rates. (A lot.)

Wednesday, May 18, 2016

Today I’m giving away free waterproof fonts for a rainy Wednesday morning.

I have to type this Howdygram post as fast as I can before the pain kicks in. It’s 8:45 a.m. — and I actually feel not too lousy right now — but I know it won’t last for three reasons: 1) it NEVER lasts; 2) it’s a day of the week ending in “y”; and 3) it’s raining here, and my joints ALWAYS hurt when it rains! In case you give a crap, here’s a screen shot of our forecast from Weather.com. Naturally, Sam is flying home from Seattle tomorrow.

Monday, May 16, 2016

I hate my thighs for so many reasons!

By all possible standards this has been a thoroughly wretched day. It began this morning, early, when Sam got word that his older sister Marian, who’s been in ICU for the past week in a hospital near her home in Kent, Washington, took “a turn for the worse” last night and isn’t expected to live out the rest of the day. The siblings hauled it into high gear and made their plans to get to Seattle as fast as possible. Unfortunately, it’s 9:30 p.m., Sam is stuck at McCarran Airport in Las Vegas waiting for his connecting flight on Southwest, and Marian most likely will already be gone by the time he lands in Washington tonight at 11:45.

Julius La Rosa died. (I wish Sarah Palin would be next.)

Oy, please forgive me. I didn’t write Howdygram posts on Saturday and Sunday due to a number of pathetic reasons, which I’ll list for you in neat, subtitled paragraphs. Thank you.

Friday, May 13, 2016

The Howdygram Store has designed 40 new cases for your iPhone or Samsung Galaxy.

Holy crap on a Popsicle stick, people. Thursday was a day of MANY GIGANTIC HOO-HAHS here at Howdygram headquarters! However, the only way to provide appropriate coverage of each hoo-hah would be in neatly-labeled paragraphs, so that’s exactly what I’ll do ... one exciting hoo-hah at a time.

Wednesday, May 11, 2016

Old coots and social media. The Howdygram Store has a Facebook page now.

Before I leap into politics, putzes, today’s kvetch report, more free fonts and assorted other Howdygram bullshit I feel compelled to let you know that MONSTER THUNDERSTORMS are heading our way tonight! According to the lying sacks of poo* at Weather.com we have a “severe thunderstorm warning” until 10 p.m., which means there’s actually a very severe hoo-hah creeping up on us as I write this post with 60 m.p.h. winds, hailstones as big as table lamps and an abundance of noise and lightning. The following screen shot shows you what’s what, and the teeny red star on the right side of the map denotes Howdygram headquarters. (*Actual job title of a level one staff meteorologist.)

Monday, May 9, 2016

A backwoods halfwit lands in jail, more free fonts and another dead celebrity.

Happy Monday to y’all from the Howdygram! I meant to write this post earlier in the day but got sidetracked by two major projects: 1) I took a shower at 1 p.m.; and 2) I fell asleep on the chaise after completing item one and slept for six fucking hours. SIX HOURS! At the moment it’s 7:48 p.m. and I just started eating dinner — a bowl of Maruchan Extra Spicy Shrimp Noodles with Impossible-to-Read Instructions in Three-Point Type — plus a side order of pills and a can of Diet Sunkist.

Sunday, May 8, 2016

My mother was very, very clean and made good spaghetti and meatballs.

I would like to sing a little song in honor of Mother’s Day, okay? Sing along with me to the familiar tune of “Happy Birthday.”

Saturday, May 7, 2016

My Saturday night agenda included cute meat dumplings and buried treasure.

I didn’t have a chance to squeeze a Howdygram post into my jam-packed schedule yesterday due to all of the following pressing activities: 1) two extended naps; 2) programming the DVR to record a lot of pre-code Mary Astor movies; 3) refilling my pill sorter to accommodate a much higher dose of Gabapentin as prescribed by my best friend Sandi who is not a doctor (details follow); and 4) designing an adorable collection of new luggage tags and coordinating passport holders for The Howdygram Store on Zazzle.

Thursday, May 5, 2016

The top cinco reasons why I love mayo.

Happy Cinco de Mayo and a swell Thursday to you and yours from the gringos at Howdygram headquarters. This means it’s time once again to honor Mexico’s annual celebration of my favorite tasty condiment and share with my audience the top cinco reasons why I personally love it so damn much.

Wednesday, May 4, 2016

The Jenner Formerly Known as Bruce will appear nude on the cover of Sports Illustrated this summer.

As I sit here tonight with two screaming toes on my miserable left foot I’m reminded that there are actually worse things in life than diabetic peripheral neuropathy. And this would include Sarah Palin. So here’s Moosezilla herself — the former half-term governor of Alaska and failed vice presidential candidate who’s all dolled-up like she just finished shootin’ pool — tossing some “puckarious” word salad on her Facebook page in support of that revolutionary new leader of U.S. Americans, Donald J. Trump!

Feel free to wave your genitals at everybody in the dressing room.

Hoo boy ... this has been a day of “firsts” and major milestones around here, and I’m actually so excited right now I almost can’t contain myself. So hang on while I get ready to share, okay? Tuesday’s thrilling achievements have included all of the following.

Monday, May 2, 2016

If all else fails I may have to resort to Plan B. (I love Plan B.)

Hi. Happy Monday to you and yours from a retired senior citizen who doesn’t give a crap that you have to work today because I’ve had enough lousy Mondays to last three lifetimes. If I sound cranky, you may be right. As I write this post I’m having NUMEROUS PAIN ISSUES — burning skin, screaming toes, pressure sores, stiff knees — and so far two doses of Norco haven’t done a fucking thing.

Sunday, May 1, 2016

Bouncing back from The Matzo Farfel Incident of 2016.

Happy first day of May from our house to yours! To celebrate an exquisitely mild, lovely, breezy and sunshine-packed spring day I just ordered a six-pack of Manischewitz matzo farfel from Amazon even though only last week I promised myself I would never do this because nobody ever needs six canisters of matzo farfel. Except for me, I guess!