Saturday, April 30, 2016

If you eliminate politics from your blog during an election year you’re pretty much left with nothing.

I desperately wanted a cheeseburger last night when Sam got home from work ... and I got my wish! Sam made it for me all by himself with a Costco tasty frozen pre-grilled Angus beef patty and a matching jumbo bun from Wal-Mart. I like mine with melty pepper jack cheese, ketchup, dill pickle chips, a decent slab of tomato if we have one. Also once in a while a little mayonnaise. You know, like on a Whopper. I have a nice life.

Friday, April 29, 2016

I’m ready to weather the storm with a box of teeny tacos and a favorite Myrna Loy movie.

It’s 10:15 Friday morning and Sam is on his way to Costco for a trunkload of our favorite speedy meals. This includes teeny tacos and breakfast burritos (both pictured below), chicken flautas, little tubs of spicy guacamole and instant oatmeal cups. Although I’m pretty sure you don’t give a crap about any of this, Costco is very important to Howdygram headquarters and I, for one, wouldn’t know what to do with myself if I didn’t have teeny tacos in the house. Thank you.

Thursday, April 28, 2016

All God’s children need this cute up-and-down bunting thing swinging from a curly cord.

I want to begin today’s Howdygram post with a familiar and favorite feature ... FABULOUS FREE FONTS! Although all of today’s offerings are truly swell, I find myself strangely attracted to “A Little Swag,” a seriously complex typeface that requires layering and screwy keystroke combinations to get output that looks like the sample below (fortunately, the font includes a PDF with instructions). It’s definitely worth the effort, however, because all God’s children need this cute up-and-down bunting thing swinging from a curly cord ... right? Amen, brother!

Wednesday, April 27, 2016

I guess “toilet police” are a thing now.

Hey. Hi. It’s me again. With Sam asleep in the family room I thought I’d get started on today’s Howdygram post because I love this more than anything else on earth not counting Chinese food, a Margaret Rutherford movie and four-hour naps. But not three-hour naps.

Tuesday, April 26, 2016

Sam came home from work four hours early tonight due to giant thunderstorms.

I don’t know how long I’ll be able to sit here typing because I’m definitely not feeling very well right now. As a matter of fact, I feel like ONE THOUSAND PERCENT TOTAL CRAP. My current complaints — all of which are physical, of course — include: 1) burning feet and screaming toes; 2) leaking pressure sores on the back of both thighs; 3) feeling nauseated, hot, clammy and short of breath; 4) I think that’s more than enough. In case you care or need clarification, item 1 is due to diabetic neuropathy, item 2 is due to diabetes in general, and item 3 is due to the first two making me feel so goddamn miserable I want to puke. Got it? This might be a good time to post the following Shit-O-Meter readout so you’ll have a better idea what’s what.

Monday, April 25, 2016

Sometimes technology can really fuck up your life.

I thought I wanted to spend a few hours tonight designing products for The Howdygram Store but I shifted gears a little and drifted back to my blog. (Hi.)

Sunday, April 24, 2016

You can’t squeeze matzo balls into an iPhone.

Last night we enjoyed our first-ever long-distance Passover seder via Face Time with my bestest friend Sandi and her adorable family in Chicago. Seriously. I highly recommend Face Time seders! Via our Windy City “team,” Howie read the Haggadah, Melissa asked the four questions in lieu of a anybody actually being a young boy, Danielle did all the cooking and everybody drank wine except Sam and me because medications. (We shared a Diet Sunkist instead.) And while we waited for Sandi, her daughters and their beaus to finish Danielle’s amazing repast, I decided to start working on a Howdygram post because I was starving and you can’t squeeze matzo balls into an iPhone.

Friday, April 22, 2016

Happy Pesach from Sam, Marcy and Moses, y’all.

Please allow me to wish y’all a very happy Passover, okay? Even though Sam and I aren’t especially observant — okay, fine ... we’re not observant AT ALL — Passover has always been one of my favorite Jewish holidays because the whole family can get into the swing of things, such as asking the “four questions,” hiding (and subsequently finding) the matzo, opening the door for Elijah while keeping an eye on the cat, taking turns reading from the Haggadah, chugging wine and so on. Plus you get to eat HORSERADISH AND MACAROONS!

Thursday, April 21, 2016

Happy 90th birthday Queen Elizabeth!

It’s almost 2 a.m. and I haven’t been to bed yet. Come to think of it, there’s a strong chance I might be up almost all night due to an abundance of extended naps on Wednesday and a strong motivation to write. I can be mighty impressive at the keyboard in the middle of the night, although in my heydey — back in the mid-1970s with an IBM Selectric typewriter — I was clocked at 127 w.p.m. with no errors. Raise your hand if you’re jealous!

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

Oy. Texas is trying to secede again.

Hello from Acheyville, U.S.A. and I hope you’re having a better Tuesday than I am. I was hoping to spend a couple of hours writing a nice Howdygram post but all of a sudden EVERYTHING HURTS and I don’t think I’ll be able to sit here much longer. In case you give a crap “everything” includes: 1) my knees; 2) three toes plus the heel of my left foot; 3) my right arm and shoulder; 4) burning skin on the back of both thighs; 5) two leaking pressure sores; and 6) a partridge in a pear tree. (I might be kidding about the partridge.) It’s always something, isn’t it?

Monday, April 18, 2016

No matter what’s in your pants, you can still be a big prick.

Hi-de-ho and a happy, sunshiney Monday to you and yours! We’ve had almost five inches of rain during the last 36 hours and expect even more starting overnight tonight, but for the moment everything is glorious and balmy and springy here in north Texas. Specifically, 74° with blinding sun. However I have to observe all of the above from my desk in the study due to being a very crotchety senior citizen with a long list of mobility issues who never leaves the house. Thank you.

Sunday, April 17, 2016

There’s nothing better than truck stop pastries.

Good Sunday to you and yours! It’s 6:45 a.m. and we’ve already got a gigantic line of crazy storms headed our way. Local TV station WFAA says we’re expecting four to six inches of rain today in addition to flash floods, wind, hail, flying monkeys and maybe a tornado.

Saturday, April 16, 2016

I really can’t imagine what would be appropriate for National Digital Rectal Exam Day.

It’s Saturday, 11:02 a.m., and Sam is on his way over to Fuel City for homemade sugar-free fried pies — apple, pineapple and apricot! — and the world’s tastiest tacos with free limes, free grilled onions. two different kinds of salsa and a whole free jalapeño pepper. (Oy!) Fuel City is a new-ish truck stop in Mesquite at the route 80 service road and Town East Boulevard, one exit before the big Wal-Mart. Fuel City truck stops are very popular throughout Texas.

Thursday, April 14, 2016

Coming soon ... luggage tags, checkbook covers, passport holders and waterproof travel cases with zippers.

Good morning from Howdygram headquarters, y’all. It’s 11:45 a.m., Sam’s napping in the family room and I’m pleased to announce that I FEEL EXCELLENT TODAY! I don’t know why or how come, but I’ll take what I can get. And to celebrate I think I’ll buy myself a cheap yet inspiring collection of digital backgrounds from Maybe even two. And here they are! I bought a collection of 16 ADORABLE ANIMAL PRINT background patterns and a collection of 10 GENUINE FUR backgrounds. All of these patterns are “seamless,” which means you can tile them in any direction to make one gigantic hunk of fur that’s as big as a house. I can’t begin to tell you how often I’ve needed something exactly like this. Wow, right?

Ted Cruz says Americans don’t have the right to masturbate. (I’m serious.)

Today is Thursday, April 14 — The Day Before Income Tax Day — and I’m here to wish you good luck, hi-de-ho and godspeed in case you’re one of those sorry shleppers who hasn’t finished your Form 1040 yet for 2015. Just for the record, Sam and I filed at the end of February and had our electronic refund in less than six days. I’m trying to irritate you. Did it work?

Wednesday, April 13, 2016

Oy. The Lucky Charms leprechaun is dead.

It’s 6 p.m. and I just ate lunch. No, seriously ... I JUST ATE LUNCH! And there are three excellent reasons how come: 1) I showered today at 1 p.m. and then conked out for a nap in the family room as soon as I dried off and Sam replaced the dressing on my pressure sores; 2) I woke up around 5:15; and 3) I wasn’t really hungry until now.

Tuesday, April 12, 2016

Trust me, people ... as a retired senior citizen there’s nothing worse than dreaming that you’re still employed.

I have an “issue,” guys. Last week Dr. M doubled my dose of Gabapentin to try and relieve more of my neuropathy pain. While it definitely seems to be working as intended, it’s also making me loopy, weird, dazed, dizzy and I’m having crazy dreams. (Also a chocolate craving.) In the mornings after I take Gabapentin with Benazepril (for high blood pressure),  Norco (my prescription painkiller) and Metoprolol (to slow down my heart rate), the overall hoo-hah is even WORSE and I’m lucky if I can stay awake for a whole hour.

Monday, April 11, 2016

Donald Trump and his unhinged supporters think they were cheated. Again.

Hello from Texas on a balmy, breezy, moderately humid Monday evening. It’s 6:30 p.m., I just finished wolfing down a tasty sack of Mountain House freeze-dried Noodles & Chicken for senior citizens, and I hear GENUINE THUNDER rumbling in the distance even though, as this screen shot from clearly indicates, the storms are at least seven miles away on the east side of Lake Ray Hubbard. The teeny red star in the lower left corner denotes Howdygram headquarters. (Please feel free to wave.)

Friday, April 8, 2016

I don’t get it. Why does Congress always want the Post Office to be broke?

Three things, okay?

THING #1: SAM. It’s 1:20 Friday afternoon and Sam is already on his way back to work after getting home this morning at 4:30, sleeping for five stinking hours and eating a plate of teeny tacos for lunch — our favorite 60-second meal from Costco — with a little cup of tasty guacamole. He looked so exhausted when he left that I can’t find words to describe it. Thank God he’s only got a short 13-minute commute or I’d be scared to let him drive.

Thursday, April 7, 2016

Russell Stover’s new sugar-free Fruit Bites are fucking incredible. (My favorites are orange and blueberry.)

I think I overdid it. Before Sam left for work today he brought in a FedEx delivery from Russell Stover ... six bags of their thrilling brand new sugar-free Fruit Bites. I ordered all three flavors ... Dark Chocolate Orange, Dark Chocolate Blueberry and Dark Chocolate Cranberry. On my God, people, THESE LITTLE THINGS ARE FUCKING INCREDIBLE. The centers are soft and chewy like those dark chocolate orange stick thingies I used to buy from Trader Joe’s, except Russell Stover’s are round and approximately the size of a little gumball. Anyway, Sam left all of the chocolates on my desk, and as soon as I shlepped into the study after a disappointing afternoon nap I ripped open one of each flavor and started to shovel them into my mouth two at a time. It didn’t take long, however — maybe a total of six little chocolates — until I realized if I don’t slow down I’ll definitely upchuck.

On the road to more and better drugs. Even morphine maybe!

Okay, I blew it. I meant to write a quick Howdygram post when I got home from the doctor yesterday morning but the entire hoo-hah was such an exhausting and distressing fiasco — for Sam, actually, not for me — that I just didn’t feel motivated. Mostly, Sam was short on sleep and not feeling too well but still had to push his very large wife in her very large wheelchair up a steep ramp into the senior citizen shuttle bus and nearly wound up having a fucking heart attack. We absolutely have to figure out a better system for next time, even if I have to get out of the wheelchair and drag my ass onto that bus under my own steam. I KNOW I CAN DO THIS!

Tuesday, April 5, 2016

On Wednesday I get to pish in a cup.

Hello and how’s the family from my house to yours! I’m getting a late start tonight on my Howdygram post due to an afternoon nap that ended at 8 p.m. and I just finished dinner at 9:45. Tonight’s menu provided a bag of freeze-dried Mountain House Biscuits & Gravy, a nice cold can of diet ginger ale and a side order of prescription painkillers.

Monday, April 4, 2016

Meet Paul LePage, the shitweasel governor of Maine.

Hi-de-ho, everybody. I almost considered not bothering with a Howdygram post tonight until I checked my blog stats a few minutes ago and discovered a yooge number of visitors checking in from all across the globe and decided to express my undying appreciation for all this gooey popularity and get busy at the keyboard.

Sunday, April 3, 2016

Our DVD of “The Ten Commandments” died last night halfway into the second plague.

I’m pleased to report that today has been monumentally better than yesterday, kvetch-wise, after many hours of solid sleep overnight on the chaise in the family room — God bless that chair! — and several rounds of my favorite prescription painkiller. (Please click here if you need additional details or just scroll back to yesterday’s Howdygram post.) And there’s MORE good news, too! Yes, I’m still having miserable skin issues on the back of my thighs, but this happens so often now (i.e., every fucking day) that I’m actually used to it, and I’ve got a pile of tasty leftovers from King China waiting for me in the kitchen! This includes Jalapeño Shrimp, Szechwan Eggplant and a nice container of rice. Does life ever get better than this?

Yesterday was the worst day of my life.

No kidding, it really was THE WORST. I was sick as a dog, shivering, shaking, aching from head to toe and severely hypothermic with a body temperature of 95.1°. And if that’s not enough ... the skin on the back of both thighs was so horrible and raw that I couldn’t sit comfortably anywhere, including at my own desk in the study; my bleeding rash is back; and I whined and cried every time I tried to move. I was a wreck. I tried several times to write a Howdygram post but couldn’t get past the first sentence, so I gave up altogether and bought a few nice digital files from and ordered dinner from King China. (I love their dumplings.)

Friday, April 1, 2016

Happy first day of April from your favorite fool. (Me.)

I’ll begin with an apology for not writing a Howdygram post yesterday, although I’m NOT beating myself up about this and I don’t especially want to cram this first paragraph with a bunch of excuses. So I’ll just say I was “indisposed” by a variety of health issues and an overwhelming passion to design ritzy iPhone cases for The Howdygram Store on Zazzle. Thank you for your patience and understanding.