Monday, February 29, 2016

Prosecutors are hoping to nail Donald Trump (and Trump University) on racketeering charges.

First things first. I want to wish each and every one of you a sincerely HAPPY LEAP DAY, although I have no idea what this means and why anybody would give a crap about February 29 unless maybe it’s your birthday. Anyhow, here’s a mentally ill frog to extend the Howdygram’s best wishes. You’re welcome.

Saturday, February 27, 2016

What the fuck is “Humblle Rought”?

It’s Saturday! It’s Saturday! This is my favorite day of the week because Sam is here with me at Howdygram headquarters to horse around, nosh, nap and be his adorable sweet self with green eyes and freckles. Plus he also went to Costco this morning to stock the fridge with a trunkload of our perennial favorites, such as teeny tacos, breakfast burritos, Cape Cod chicken salad with smooshed cranberries, Chinese chicken wrap sandwich whatnots with a sesame dressing dip, frozen pre-grilled Angus hamburgers, salt & pepper pistachios and spicy guacamole cups. Now I’ve got a million things I can eat for lunch! I LOVE LUNCH!

Friday, February 26, 2016

Another day, another blistering, juvenvile Twitter explosion from Donald Trump.

It’s a pleasantly-cool Friday evening here in north Texas and I just finished a tasty meal fit for a disabled senior citizen ... a 7½-ounce tub of Chef Boyardee spaghetti and meatballs nuked in my desktop microwave with a side order of napkins. Plus a can of diet ginger ale. At the same time I’ve been scanning political news on some of my favorite websites — Addicting Info, Raw Story, Wonkette — and ran across this blistering, juvenile Twitter barrage from (who else?) the crusted Manhattan orangutan Donald Trump after Mitt Romney challenged him to show the American people his tax returns. In case you haven’t already seen these, check them out here courtesy of the Howdygram.

Thursday, February 25, 2016

I refuse to start eating Chef Boyardee ravioli on the toilet.

The five remaining Republican clown car passengers are debating right now — AT THIS VERY MOMENT — in Houston, Texas, exercising one last chance to tear each other to ribbons on television before the Super Tuesday primaries on March 1. Frankly, I haven’t had a very good day, pain-wise, so I’m convinced I don’t have the intestinal fortitude to watch these assholes in action again. Therefore I’m doing a live-stream from with the volume off. Trust me ... this is definitely the most satisfying way to watch these morons with their mouths open.

Wednesday, February 24, 2016

Sam has a flat.

If there’s one thing I really, really love, it’s TYPING. No kidding, this has to be the number one joy of my life not counting Sam and Mongolian chicken! I’ve been typing since I was seven years old when my cousin Bobby taught me to use his parents’ old manual typewriter in the basement. He showed me how the shift key makes capital letters and how to wait for the ding and use the carriage return. I was unleashed and typed a letter to my mother. The following year I asked dad for a typewriter for my eighth birthday and got it ... along with a “how-to” touch typing manual for creative girls who didn’t like playing with dolls and had a twit for a kid sister. I started writing short stories and collecting penpals. I even knew how to change the ribbon.

Tuesday, February 23, 2016

Dear mainstream Republicans: Please do not confuse “establishment” with “moderate.” Thank you.

I’m having a fight with myself this afternoon and maybe you can help me out. Do I want to sit at my desk and write a Howdygram post with a can of diet ginger ale, or should I migrate back into the family room for my second nap of the day? To be honest with you I’m leaning towards option number two — the nap — because I didn’t sleep well last night and my entire body hurts due to a weather front that rolled through here. Today it’s 42° with a lot of wind and rain. The red star on the map (see below) denotes Howdygram headquarters. If you zoom in I’m the old lady with a cane who’s snarling out the window.

Monday, February 22, 2016

Only in Texas ... a fistfight, threats and screaming at a gospel radio station.

I really really wanted to write a Howdygram post yesterday but got sidetracked by a large volume of important projects. These included: 1) napping twice; 2) kibbitzing with Sam; 3) spending $45 on takeout from King China in Garland; 4) designing a fuckton of fantastic and adorable new products for The Howdygram Store on; and 5) I think that’s it. I also watched some wonderful teevee, such as “Keeping Up with the Kardashians” and a favorite “Columbo” rerun, the one where Ruth Gordon is a mystery writer who murders her nephew by locking him in a safe overnight while she flies to New York to accept a humanitarian award.

Saturday, February 20, 2016

I love voting by mail because you don’t have to fuck around with shoes or a brassiere.

Howdy-do from warm yet strangely overcast north Texas, where Sam is on his way to Mesquite’s city hall to pay our monthly water bill — he has a deep commitment to the drop-box in their parking lot — and when he gets home about 20 minutes from now I will ask him to nuke me something terrific for a late lunch. I’ve got a craving for a Sam-made cheeseburger (again) with a slab of real tomato and sugar-free bread & butter pickle chips. This actually sounds so fucking great I might have a brain hemorrhage.

Friday, February 19, 2016

Marco Robot will never be president because he’s bald and has unexciting teeth.

I just spent the last three hours designing more cool new shit — i.e., gorgeous spiral notebooks — for The Howdygram Store on, and this is so much fun I might have a nervous breakdown. After I finish this post I’ll start work on a bunch of coordinating products that include zipper cases in two convenient sizes, mousepads and perhaps a few mugs. My new designs are FUCKING AWESOME, even if I say so myself. See?!

Thursday, February 18, 2016

Please shut the light when you’re through here and join me in the family room for a movie.

Happy Thursday, people. I’m sucking on a Russell Stover sugar-free chocolate and caramel thing — with Rice Krispies in it! — with a nice can of diet ginger ale on the side, wondering if I really have very much to write about today due to not having done anything of consequence except sleep through two Margaret Rutherford movies. I suppose I can always fall back on the latest horseshit from the 2016 Republican clown car. There’s ALWAYS plenty of material spewing from the GOP.

Wednesday, February 17, 2016

An ass-slapping Einstein gets arrested in Toledo.

When you’re a retired, disabled, housebound senior citizen with shitty knees and diabetes there are many, many times when you have a lousy day due to chronic pain issues, your body is falling apart and nobody thinks you should take a Norco every 45 minutes. Unfortunately, today is edging into “lousy day” territory for all of the following reasons.

Tuesday, February 16, 2016

Ben Carson has ideas about the Supreme Court. Be afraid.

Hi, people. Notice anything different about the Howdygram today? We have NEW COLORS, a NEWISH BANNER and a REALLY HAPPY BLOGGER who loves tweaking her designs as much as she loves Cheetos and lime Jell-O (not at the same time). This is so much fun I almost can’t stand it! The following graphic illustrates today’s biggest tweaks.

Monday, February 15, 2016

Dubya finally crawled out from under his rock here in Dallas to help Jeb win a few voters in South Carolina.

It’s a lovely, sunny Monday in Texas and here I am, wide awake, slugging a nice cold can of Diet Sunkist and typing like a maniac. I would rather still be asleep, to tell you the truth, but sleep will have to wait a little while longer. I just took a jumbo dose of hydrocodone and when it finally kicks in I’ll migrate to the chaise in the family room and conk out for three or six hours. (You’ll know when it’s time. I’ll be incoherent.) My number one issue du jour? I’M NAUSEATED AND DIZZY. My blood pressure medication (Benazepril) and my heart medication (Metoprolol) tend to do this to me and make me feel like shit. I also have some intense stinging pain from diabetic peripheral neuropathy on the outside of my left thigh from the hip to the knee. Therefore I think this situation deserves an official report from Marcy’s Shit-O-Meter.

Sunday, February 14, 2016

Dallas Comic Con 2016. They’re all single, underachieving, unemployed twentysomethings in green wigs and spandex.

Know what? “Big D” is being overtaken again by adult toddlers ... Dallas Comic Con 2016 is in full swing this weekend at the Irving Convention Center! The costumed nutjobs in attendance, from what I can tell, are mostly single, underachieving, unemployed twentysomethings who live in mom and dad’s basement and can’t get a date so they dress up like goons in green wigs and spandex and pretend they’re video game characters. I’m only guessing, of course, but I think it’s safe to assume they’re not law students.

Free fonts and gorgeous backgrounds. (The backgrounds weren’t free.)

Oy. It’s 4 a.m. and I’m sitting at my desk in the study because Sam and I just woke up in the family room after a six-hour nap and I don’t know what else to do with myself. Sam, of course, simply got up off the sofa and went to bed. That’s easy for him because: 1) he doesn’t have any pain to slow him down; 2) he doesn’t struggle walking to the bathroom; 3) he doesn’t have to  shlep into another room to take a fistful of night-time pills and inject insulin; and 4) he isn’t ME. So here I am. Thank you for putting up with me. I’m drinking tea.

Saturday, February 13, 2016

Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia dropped dead today. Let’s eat saltines.

It’s hard to believe there’s already another Republican debate tonight, this time hosted by CBS and the Wall Street Journal from somewhere in South Carolina. I seriously don’t understand why in hell these assholes find it necessary to continually debate each other because THEY’RE ALL THE SAME PERSON — evil, arrogant, regressive, racist, misogynistic, whiny and repulsive — and nothing ever changes! Tonight’s event, however, will be the first debate minus Chris Christie, Carly Fiorina and Jim Gilmore, who all suspended their campaigns after the New Hampshire primary. This evening’s candidates from the pit of hell will include Donald Trump, Turd Cruz, Dubya’s Brother, John Kasich, Marco Robot and Ben Carson. (Ben Carson’s campaign has been on life support since before the Iowa caucuses. I think everybody would love to know where he’s getting the dough for this never-ending dead-end endeavor.)

Thursday, February 11, 2016

God bless the FBI.

I’ve got some cool and exciting shit to share with y’all tonight, but I’ll get the biggest story out of the way first with an exciting triple headline. Please feel free to cheer and clap whenever necessary, okay?

Wednesday, February 10, 2016

It’s easy to tell the Bundy brothers apart. Ryan is the one whose head was run over by a car.

It’s Wednesday morning, 9 a.m. Sam left about an hour ago for his day-trip adventure to Denison, Texas, and the Choctaw Casino in Oklahoma, but I’m guessing his number one priority will be a big greasy BREAKFAST because the minute you start a vacation your brain immediately rewires itself for grapefruit juice, a cheese omelet, waffles, double syrup and sausage links. Oy, lucky Sam. I haven’t eaten breakfast in a restaurant for at least FOUR YEARS.

Tuesday, February 9, 2016

Dwight D. Eisenhower was born in Denison, Texas.

Did I forget to tell you that Sam is enjoying a “staycation” this week? His activities will include all of the following: 1) naps; 2) more naps; 3) running as few errands as humanly possible; 4) eating muffins from Costco; 5) waving at cattle across the street in Sunnyvale; and 6) taking a leisurely day-trip on Wednesday with stops at Dwight D. Eisenhower’s birthplace in Denison, Texas, and the Choctaw Casino in Oklahoma.

Marco Rubio is today’s Republican jackass du jour.

I almost didn’t feel like writing a Howdygram post today for the following reasons: 1) I’ve been obsessed with my Howdygram Store on Zazzle; 2) I don’t have anything else to tell you; and 3) I think that’s it. However I do have a few more new fonts to share with you plus we’re expecting truly swell spring weather this week, as evidenced by the following screen shot. CHECK OUT THE HIGH TEMPERATURE ON THURSDAY! Woo-hoo!

Sunday, February 7, 2016

I must be dangerously un-American because I don’t give a crap about the Super Bowl.

It’s Sunday night and we’re not watching the Super Bowl. We don’t like the Super Bowl here at Howdygram headquarters. In fact, we’re not even too thrilled about professional football in general because brain trauma, the game takes fucking FOREVER and everybody’s named DeWayne, DeMarcus or DeHoo-Hah. I don’t even give a shit about the Super Bowl commercials or who’s rocking at half-time. I must be dangerously un-American because I don’t give a crap about ANY of this.

Saturday, February 6, 2016

McDonald’s latest fiasco? A “nutrient-rich” kale salad with more fat and calories than a double Big Mac.

Happy Saturday morning from partly cloudy, slightly chilly north Texas, home of Howdygram headquarters, where I’ve decided to spend my entire day involved in the four exciting activities listed here: 1) taking prescription painkillers; 2) sleeping a lot due to item one; 3) designing thankyou notes for my new Zazzle store; and 4) playing with Sam because he’s on vacation and doesn’t have to go back to work until February 15.

Thursday, February 4, 2016

Republican assholes, a senior citizen food review, another dead celebrity and more free fonts!

Know what? While I wait for Sam to get home from Costco with a trunkload of the usual suspects — i.e., teeny tacos, spicy guacamole cups, Cape Cod chicken salad with mooshed up cranberries, trash bags, breakfast burritos, frozen spring rolls and a dozen yoooge muffins — this is the perfect time to move forward with an amazing fruit-filled Howdygram post featuring BREAKING MEDICAL NEWS, REPUBLICAN ASSHOLES, a SENIOR CITIZEN FOOD REVIEW, another DEAD CELEBRITY and MORE FREE FONTS! I know you’re already as excited as I am, so let’s get started, okay?

Tuesday, February 2, 2016

Wow. Slimebag Turd Cruz beat blowhard Donald Trump!

There’s good news and bad news today at Howdygram headquarters.

GOOD NEWS. The Howdygram Store is finally open on Zazzle and you can start shopping whenever you’re ready! I’ll be adding new products almost daily so please come back constantly to see my latest creations. Thank you.