Sunday, January 31, 2016

I don’t think I feel well enough to digest anything heavier than half a rotisserie chicken with barbecue sauce.

I meant to write a Howdygram post yesterday but it was just one of those days. I FELT LIKE TOTAL CRAP. This included: 1) my left heel; 2) the back of both thighs with pressure sores; 3) my knees; and 4) I can’t think of anything else. Except regarding my heel, it hurt so damn bad yesterday I couldn’t stand on it barefoot and wound up wearing my clunky black specialty shoes for plantar fasciitis that make me walk like Frankenstein. There’s good news, though. I feel so much better today — NO HEEL PAIN! — that I’ve decided to celebrate by ordering dinner from King China with steamed dumplings and extra hot sauce.

Friday, January 29, 2016

Remembering Jefferson Airplane.

At the moment I’m experiencing EXTREMELY INTENSE PAIN and don’t know what else to do aside from writing a Howdygram post. I just took 15 mg of Norco — my prescription painkiller of choice — and as soon as it kicks in I’ll relocate myself to the family room and pass out on the chaise. This usually takes about an hour so I’d better type fast.

Thursday, January 28, 2016

I just set up my brand new Howdygram store on!

Know what I’ve been doing for the last couple of hours? Because a retired graphic designer can’t stay totally retired forever or she’ll have a nervous breakdown, I just set up my brand new Howdygram store on soon-to-be featuring a whole shitload of adorable products with my own screwy and original artwork!

My first official products are a Moo 5" x 7" all-occasion greeting card and the Moo Mousepad (the mousepad is pictured below), a perfect and thoughtful gift for damn near anybody. For instance, a Moo Mousepad and a cheese sandwich would be the perfect present for Valentine’s Day. Who the hell needs diamonds and champagne?!

Wednesday, January 27, 2016

Hey, girls, daddy is a dickhead!

Hi, guys. It’s me again ... your moderately deranged, font-lovin’ Howdygrammer from Texas! It’s 7:30 Wednesday night and Sam is already home from work due to a one-day scheduling change, and it’s so damn much fun to have him around on a weeknight that I think we need to celebrate. Get your spoons ready ... SUGAR-FREE JELL-O FOR EVERYBODY!

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Karma’s a bitch. Anti-abortion activists are indicted by a Houston grand jury.

I have to learn how to write when I feel like shit. No kidding, people ... I need MOTIVATION. Right now I’ve got burning skin and three leaking pressure sores on the back of my thighs, joint pain in my knees, plantar fasciitis pain in my left heel, a stiff neck, a headache and gas. Although I feel way too crabby to write something funny for the Howdygram, this is really the only distraction I’ve got right now because Sam isn’t here to entertain me. I guess I’ll just plow ahead and hope for the best, okay?

Monday, January 25, 2016

Jeb Bush applauds Michigan’s governor for being an upright guy after poisoning the city of Flint.

For your possible interest I’m really, really tired today and also have the following complaints: 1) burning, hyper-sensitive skin on my legs; 2) pressure sores on the back of both thighs; 3) pain in my left heel; 4) a low-grade fever; 5) rather severe joint pain in both knees; and 6) no chocolate. For items 1 through 5 I’m taking as many prescription painkillers as the law allows; item 6 will be history on Wednesday when FedEx delivers a big order from Russell Stover. In the meantime I’ve got sugar-free Jell-O cups.

Saturday, January 23, 2016

There has never been a Cheetos recall in the entire history of the United States.

As I sit here with a nice hot mug of Lipton’s Spring Vegetable Cup-a-Soup — which requires two packets dissolved in eight ounces of boiling water in to taste like actual food — I am reminded that today is NATIONAL HANDWRITING DAY, a basic skill that’s apparently being withheld from the current generation of schoolchildren for whatever bullshit reason a neanderthal school board or Republican legislature can come up with. Personally, I think this is FUCKING PATHETIC, because not only do we all have to know how to sign our own names, we have to know how to read other people’s handwriting, too. Holy shit. Is this for real?!

Friday, January 22, 2016

Diabetics need chocolate, too.

Good morning and a happy, sunny Friday from your friends at Howdygram headquarters! It’s a little on the chilly side around here today (only 39° at 10 a.m.) but we’re expecting such a glorious warm-up that I’m willing to tolerate an extra sweater for a day or two. Here’s a screenshot of our latest 10-day forecast to make you jealous.

Thursday, January 21, 2016

The Howdygram reviews Hormel’s Meatloaf & Gravy with a Mashed Potato Hockey Puck.

I just finished my senior citizen microwaved emergency dinner here at my desk in the study. Tonight’s meal included one plastic tray of Hormel Sandwich Makers Meatballs, one teeny tub of Idahoan instant mashed potatoes and a can of Diet Sunkist. Life can be very good sometimes!

Wednesday, January 20, 2016

Although I’m not exactly sick, I’m not really well, either.

To my regular readers who’ve been wondering if I’m dead or alive over here at Howdygram headquarters, I am most certainly alive. I think. It’s been four whole days since my last post, an activity I’ve been putting off for a variety of personal reasons that I’ll share below in neat little subtitled paragraphs. Thank you.

Saturday, January 16, 2016

Introducing Mentally Ill Senior Citizen Spaghetti with Gigantic Flat Meatballs.

Happy Saturday to you and yours from Howdygram headquarters. It’s nearly 8 p.m. and I’ve done nothing of any consequence whatsoever today except for eating lunch with Sam and making it all the way to the bathroom three times without pishing in the hall. Thrilling milestones, right? A cold snap has me feeling achy, crappy and listless so I’ve been taking an extra pain pill every once in a while. Thank God I have the perfect life of a handicapped retired senior citizen; I have nowhere to go and nothing to do, I haven’t bothered to wear a brassiere since 2008 and I only own one pair of shoes.

Friday, January 15, 2016

Vote blue in November.

It’s 2:30 Friday afternoon on a sunny, breezy, springish Friday in Texas — such as 64°, y’all — and I’m presently debating whether to continue typing this Howdygram post or go take a nap in the family room with a William Powell movie. So far the nap seems to be winning, but I’ll hang out here a little while longer just in case I get a second wind.

Thursday, January 14, 2016

More fonts, two dead celebrities and a lot of sugar-free gherkins from Wal-Mart.

Welcome to Thursday night at Howdygram headquarters! So far today I’ve taken a nap, argued with an Einstein at Top Mobility, consumed two meals, downloaded another king’s ransom in free fonts, received two FedEx deliveries from Wal-Mart — sugar-free sweet gherkins and very nice clear plastic forks, pictured below — and came dangerously close to pishing in the hall due to another urinary tract infection, which I definitely DO NOT NEED.

Wednesday, January 13, 2016

When you pay extra for the royal treatment you have a right to expect it. Now pass the caviar and shut up.

There are THREE HUGE NEWS STORIES tonight from Howdygram headquarters, which I’ll cover below, with pictures whenever possible, in nauseating detail for your possible interest. Thank you.

Nobody ever said it would be easy to try an armed takeover of the federal government, right?

It’s the wee hours of Wednesday morning. Actually, I should say “wee-wee” hours, since that’s the only reason why I’m here right now. I woke up on the chaise in the family room at 5:15 for my middle-of-the-night senior citizen bathroom adventure and decided to sit for a while at my desk and noodle around with the Howdygram. Lucky you! And in case you give a crap, I’m also sipping on a pleasant mug of Lipton’s Gourmet Cup-a-Soup for Senior Citizens.

Tuesday, January 12, 2016

Helvetica, Times Roman and Courier. Life was so primitive.

Welcome to chapter one of “Marcy Rocks the Goddamn Boat,” the ongoing adventures of a lovely yet belligerent senior citizen fighting back against the medical establishment. I’m housebound with mobility difficulties, raging bacterial cellulitis and leaking pressure sores on both legs, and this morning my doctor refused to prescribe an antibiotic to my visiting nurse, commonly known as Karen the Cutie, because she wants me to come in for an appointment. We need to keep two things in mind here: 1) it was Dr. M who suggested a visiting nurse in the first place; and 2) Dr. M is fully aware that it’s damn near impossible for me to get to her office. I travel in a bariatric wheelchair, and Sam and I have to arrange for rides on the city of Mesquite’s senior citizen transit bus — a round-trip that takes half a day even though we live less than a mile from the clinic — to get back and forth from the Baylor Family Health Center because my new wheelchair doesn’t fit in our car and it’s too damn heavy for Sam to lift, anyway. (I’m sure that pushing me is no big thrill, either.)

Don’t miss it tonight: President Obama’s final State of the Union Address!

The weirdness continues at Howdygram headquarters. I slept six hours overnight on the chaise in the family room as an alternative to recent difficulties in bed with my leg dressings falling off when I try to get up in the morning. I have two observations about this situation: 1) I sleep like a rock on the chaise; and 2) I miss being next to Sam. But for the time being I have to do whatever it takes to get my legs healed. I am, for the most part, a fucking mess right now. But at least today I’m a WELL-RESTED fucking mess with a large supply of Lipton Gourmet Cup-a-Soup for Senior Citizens. (Details follow.)

I’m completely freaked out by this entire experience. Therefore please send me a pizza.

Monday was quite a day around here. I was feeling achy, unwell, low-grade feverish, slightly nauseated, cranky, not too hungry and generally shitty. On the plus side, though, I got some happy news — at last! — setting up “white glove” delivery of my snazzy new Prowler three-wheel mobility scooter with a cup-holder on Wednesday morning, and my visiting nurse, Karen the Cutie, showed up at 3:30 Monday afternoon to change the dressings on my repulsive and relentless pressure sores. Karen says the cellulitis infection in my legs is FUCKING GRUESOME and she’s trying to reach my doctor to prescribe a high-powered antibiotic administered by flame-thrower. I’m completely freaked out by this entire experience, to tell you the truth, but I can’t go into too much detail here because I start to cry. Therefore please send me a pizza. (Thank you.)

Sunday, January 10, 2016

God bless Fuel City.

As I drink a nice steamy mug of Lipton’s Gourmet Cup-a-Soup for Senior Citizens and get ready for a shiny bright Sunday in Texas, I think I’d like to mention three hugely important things that happened here on Saturday: 1) I had my first-ever experience with a real visiting nurse and it was TOTALLY EXCELLENT; 2) I thought I wanted Chinese for dinner until Sam volunteered to bring home tacos and fried pies from Fuel City; and 3) please enjoy all the incredible and ritzy new free fonts that appear in the next section.

Friday, January 8, 2016

Armed, dangerous and really stupid. The morons fight each other at the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge.

Here’s the second Howdygram post I promised you today. Mostly I’ve got one hot breaking news story and a couple of thrilling updates to issues mentioned earlier.

I’m preparing for the “Cheetos Cleanse.”

Good morning from Foggygram headquarters in Fogville, U.S.A.

Okay, okay, just kidding. Howdygram headquarters is still located in the northeast corner of Mesquite, Texas. But if you peek out the window all you’ll see is FOG ... and it’s as thick today as OATMEAL WITH RAISINS!

Wednesday, January 6, 2016

The raging assholes in Congress voted again today to repeal Obamacare for the 62nd time.

As I sit at my desk on a cold and damp Wednesday night I’m struck by three unexpected things: 1) I have a craving for ice cream; 2) FedEx just delivered my Wal-Mart order one day early; and 3) IT’S THUNDERING OUTSIDE. How cool is that?

Tuesday, January 5, 2016

Camouflaged, heavily-armed morons take over a vacant federal gift shop in Oregon.

I will begin today’s post with a pain report because I’M HAVING A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN HERE. The big hoo-hah revolves around the open pressure sores on the back of my thighs and the fact that I can’t do anything without making them worse. I’ve had them for more than a year, and when I saw Dr. M the week before Christmas she said she’d arrange for a visiting nurse to treat these for me at home. Today, at last, the process is finally underway and I’ll be dealing with the nice people at Cardinal Home Healthcare. (Trust me ... nothing makes you feel like a senior citizen faster than qualifying for a visiting nurse.)

Monday, January 4, 2016

Millions of older Americans wear adult diapers, so shut up and go eat some Ritz crackers.

Today I’ve got a nice yet moderately short stack of brand new free fonts for your possible interest. Download links appear below the graphic. Incidentally, “Cargan” includes 16 styles (eight weights with italics for each) and lots of alternate letters!

Sunday, January 3, 2016

Sixteen bucks is nothing at which to sneeze. Trust me.

Good morning from Howdygram headquarters. It’s 8:15 and I’ve decided to make a healthy Texas meal for breakfast: Lipton’s Spring Vegetable Cup-a-Soup in a mug with extremely hot water from the microwave. Damn, this crap is GOOD! Therefore I think I’ll send Sam to Wal-Mart later to buy a few different varieties for my senior citizen pantry here in the study. I’d order them from Amazon but I’d have to buy 12 boxes of each flavor ... and that’s too much of a good thing, even for me.

Friday, January 1, 2016

Beautiful yet speedy scarf tricks for the new year.

Happy New Year to you and yours from both of us at Howdygram headquarters. I decided not to go to bed after waking up at 2 a.m. from an outrageously long and wonderful nap in the family room. So it’s 4:50 a.m. and I’ll just hang out with you until I get cross-eyed. Thank you.