Friday, December 30, 2016

Hot damn! A houseguest!

I can’t believe it’s already the end of December. While I sit here musing about the speedy passage of time I should probably mention that my nephew Josh, 21, is coming for a visit next  month — HOT DAMN! A HOUSEGUEST! — and we’re preparing Howdygram headquarters as follows.

Wednesday, December 28, 2016

I’m tired, I’m cold, I have to pee and I still have to shoot a bunch of insulin. It’s a full life, isn’t it?

I’ll begin with an apology for not writing a Howdygram post yesterday or the day before. I am without excuse, so just get over it, okay? (Thank you.)

Sunday, December 25, 2016

I’ll never eat those goddamn frozen egg rolls again.

Hello from Howdygram headquarters on a wet and unexpectedly warm Christmas Day. It’s 80° here, people, and it’s also overcast and drizzling. We were supposed to get thunderstorms an hour ago but apparently Weather.com was lying again. (They’re pathological about it.) Thunderstorms have been pushed ahead to 7 p.m. but I won’t hold my breath.

Saturday, December 24, 2016

All of a sudden there are intermittent problems with my computer. Also I just ran out of diet root beer.

Happy belated first night of Hanukkah and merry Christmas Eve. Don’t label me a grinch, but I’ve had more than enough of the endless holiday sales, once-a-year discounts and promotional emails, particularly from the eager marketing lunatics at Allegro Medical. I guess they figure nothing says “Merry Christmas” like a box of catheters!

Thursday, December 22, 2016

My new Mac OS is working out well, thank you. Except I don’t understand “the cloud.”

Good Thursday morning, y’all, and HAPPY BELATED WINTER SOLSTICE! Yesterday was an astronomical phenomenon with the shortest period of daylight hours and the longest night of the year, something that means almost nothing to me whatsoever as I’m a housebound old coot with mobility issues and have no fucks left to give about an extra 15 minutes of daylight. Last night I tried to weasel Sam into staying awake for an all-nighter with a few of the classic Christmas movies stored on our DVR, such as: Christmas in Connecticut (1945) starring Barbara Stanwyck and Dennis Morgan; The Man Who Came to Dinner (1942) starring Bette Davis and Monty Woolley; Meet Me in St. Louis (1945) starring Judy Garland; and The Shop Around the Corner (1940) starring James Stewart and Margaret Sullavan. (I hang onto these all year round in case I need a dose of ho-ho-ho. No kidding.) However, Sam didn’t take the bait so we wound up with The Lost World (1960) starring Claude Rains and Jill St. John. I love my life!

Tuesday, December 20, 2016

North Korea’s “Dear Leader” has implemented another clever public policy.

Hi-de-ho, people. This will have to be brief because it’s 3:15 Tuesday morning and I haven’t been to bed yet, a situation that I’ll have to remedy rather soon because pulling an all-nighter doesn’t appeal to me any more. Also, Monday was a rather trying day for me, the details of which appear below for your possible interest.

Sunday, December 18, 2016

Eat your hearts out, people. I’ve got matzo farfel!

It’s 1:30 in the morning and I want a nice hot bowl of soup because I’M FREEZING TO DEATH. After a high temperature of 76° on Saturday afternoon it’s 21° outside right now with winds gusting to 45 m.p.h. The sound of rattling solar screens is driving me nuts and I can’t seem to warm up. Hence the craving for soup. And lo and behold, as I write this post I’ve got a bowl of Simply Asia Shitake Mushroom Rice Noodle Soup rotating in the microwave right here on my desk ... the epitome of senior citizen convenience! And I even have a canister of Manischewitz matzo farfel in front of me. Eat your hearts out, people.

Saturday, December 17, 2016

Yo. There’s a “blue norther” on the way today!

Happy Friday morning to you and yours from the friendly senior citizen (i.e., me) at Howdygram headquarters. I just took a look at our five-day weather forecast online and discovered that we’re expecting a “blue norther” here tomorrow. Holy shit, people! A definition follows for your possible interest.

Wednesday, December 14, 2016

I almost considered waking Sam to tuck me in and bring me a big ginger ale on ice with a bendy straw.

It’s very early Wednesday morning and I’m shivering. No kidding, if you weren’t so far away you could actually hear my teeth chatter! THIS IS EXTREMELY SERIOUS. I feel quite ill, shaky, slightly nauseated, feverish and achy with a thumping migraine. I’d go back to the family room and lie down except that’s where I just came from. For the moment, therefore, I need to take drugs, shoot insulin, download a few free fonts and try to calm down. (Good luck with that. I feel like SHIT.) For the time being, that’s the end of The Kvetch Report.

Tuesday, December 13, 2016

Sam has jury duty today in downtown Dallas, right in the middle of a dense fog advisory.

Hi-de-ho, people, and welcome to the Howdygram! It’s almost 3 a.m. and I’ve been writing email for the last couple of hours. I still have one more to go (to Sam’s sister) but I’ll have to save that for later today. I know she’ll understand.

Monday, December 12, 2016

Monday is “Costco day” at Howdygram headquarters.

I’ve got a million very important subjects to cover in this Howdygram post so I’ll skip all the introductory hoo-hah and just get right to the point, okay? I think I’ll even do my popular neatly-subtitled paragraphs!

Sunday, December 11, 2016

Know what? I’ve got a new brand box of Special K with shriveled strawberries.

Happy Saturday from Texas to you and yours! I thought you might like to know that I didn’t wake up until noon today ... and oy, it was wonderful! I’m really amazed how chronic pain goes away when you get enough sleep. I almost don’t need Norco ... except I took two, anyway, because DRUGS ARE GOOD. And as long as I’m on the subject — you know, kvetching — I guess I’d also like to report that an old neuropathy issue has come back to haunt me.

Friday, December 9, 2016

“The Brain That Wouldn’t Die” is a ridiculous and wonderful schlockfest.

Know what? There’s something warm and comforting about typing furiously in the study at 5:30 in the morning while Sam is still in bed. This is a private, productive and intensely creative time for me that’s usually accentuated by good drugs, low overall chronic pain and — best of all — I don’t have to share my Veggie Straws and Diet Sunkist with anybody. It’s the BREAKFAST OF CHAMPIONS!

Thursday, December 8, 2016

We hope you’ll consider sending us a donation of $10 or more for no reason whatsoever.

I forgot to wish you a happy Pearl Harbor Day yesterday, although I’m not sure if this qualifies as a real holiday with presents because Hallmark doesn’t have a card for it. You might want to write your congressman about this. (As if he’d give a shit, right?)

Tuesday, December 6, 2016

I’ve been dicking around with the Howdygram again.

So here’s what’s going on around here, organized in neat little subtitled paragraphs because I’m compulsive about things like this.

Saturday, December 3, 2016

I’m feeling strangely doped-up right now.

Howdy, boys and girls ... it’s time for another extraordinary Howdygram post! I decided to use that adjective — learn your parts of speech! — because: 1) I took my bedtime meds about half an hour ago and I’m feeling strangely doped-up right now; 2) there’s nothing to write about; and 3) I can’t think of anything else. See what I mean?

Friday, December 2, 2016

Do almonds have nipples?

Wednesday was a banner day here at Howdygram headquarters. Extraordinary. Unforgettable. Unprecedented. It was AN ALL-DAY SENIOR CITIZEN CYBER SHOPPING SPREE, and my purchases included all of the following ... with explanations wherever necessary. Thank you.

Wednesday, November 30, 2016

Am I the only one who thinks Donald Trump resembles the nutsack of an orangutan?

Yo. I should be asleep right now, but severe exhaustion never stopped me from writing Howdygram posts in the past, so why start now? I’ll just keep going until I run out of words or my head hits the keyboard. Bear with me. (If I stop typing just give me a nudge.)

Tuesday, November 29, 2016

Open for business ... our Clots “R” Us Do-It-Yourself Blood Clot Clinic.

Shalom, good morning and hi-de-ho to you and yours on this dismal Tuesday morning in north Texas. It’s really, really overcast right now. There’s no rain in the forecast, though, so I guess we’ll just have to deal with clouds. Meh.

Monday, November 28, 2016

The 2016 Table Lamp Hoo-Hah ... an incident of historic proportions.

Good morning, boys and girls! It’s 3:30 a.m. here in Howdygramland and we’re still waiting for the rain and thunderstorms that originally were supposed to start last night by 7 p.m. This is so typical of Weather.com, isn’t it? LIARS! BALONEY ARTISTS! FRAUDS! And I’m not too fond of their STUPID BULLSHIT “NAMED” WINTER STORMS, either.

Sunday, November 27, 2016

No rain, confusing fonts and a very dead dictator.

It’s a lovely, seriously beautiful Saturday here in north Texas with pleasant late November temperatures and a shitload of sunshine. There’s nary a drop of rain in sight even though we desperately need a multitude of inches due to ANOTHER FUCKING DROUGHT. Apparently our next big weather hoo-hah could be Monday (a 90% chance of morning thunderstorms) and again a week from today, but I just can’t believe it. The meteorologists at Weather.com are all lying sacks of poo because they keep predicting rain and we never get it.

Friday, November 25, 2016

Nothing hurts today. Holy crap.

Yo, hi-de-ho, shalom and HAPPY BLACK FRIDAY from your buddies at Howdygram headquarters! In case you’re interested and for the record, Sam and I do NOT intend to blow any money whatsoever today on fake bargains, bogus sales and crap we don’t need. We will, however, purchase a six-foot extension cord and maybe order a new table lamp for the family room from Ashley Furniture because the pair of lamps that came Wednesday are, in my view as the official household decorating maven, too small.

Thursday, November 24, 2016

I’m doing yams tomorrow for our Annual Festival of Leftovers.

It’s Thursday, November 24 — Thanksgiving 2016 — but it’s a little too early to start thinking about what time to throw our bird in the oven as it’s only 4:30 a.m. and I’ve got Hormel Compleats meatloaf and mashed potatoes in the microwave on my desk. I’m starving. I briefly considered a couple of pretzel rods but desperately wanted something with gravy. A nice portrait of the aforementioned meatloaf appears below.

Tuesday, November 22, 2016

I’m not a very good multi-tasker unless it involves eating lunch and planning dinner at the same time.

I know, I know, I know. It’s been nearly five whole days since my last Howdygram post. If you have to know why, it’s because I’ve been busy designing coffee mugs for The Howdygram Store and I’m not a very good multi-tasker unless it involves eating lunch and planning dinner at the same time. Seriously.

Thursday, November 17, 2016

How many of you didn’t realize, like me, that Thanksgiving is only one week from today?

It’s the wee hours of Thursday morning here at Howdygram headquarters. Sam is in bed and I’m wide awake with pain issues. These include: 1) burning and pinching skin pain on the back of my thighs; 2) a bleeding blister on the back of my left thigh; 3) a rotten rash in a variety of locations that are none of your business; and 4) I can’t think of anything else at the moment but you’ll be the first to know if this changes, okay? In the meantime I think I’ll just sit here and whine for a while.

Tuesday, November 15, 2016

Don’t poo-poo Paducah.

I am NOT HAPPY tonight. Not happy one tiny little bit. And why am I not happy? Because of reasons, which are listed for you below. Thank you.

Monday, November 14, 2016

Everything is completely kablooey!

What a difference a day makes, right? Sam and I both felt so terrific all day on Sunday ... and now, during the wee hours of Monday morning, everything is completely kablooey! A couple of hours ago Sam showed me an area on top of his left foot where the dermatologist did a needle biopsy on Friday. It doesn’t look good at all — dark red, probably infected, etc. — and it’s also causing him a lot of pain. Sam painted it with a liquid bandage product as an anesthetic but said he’d call the doctor first thing today to find out what can be done. He’s seriously MISERABLE. I’m thinking he might need a box of Klondike bars.

Sunday, November 13, 2016

Please don’t overlook Yoder’s canned bacon.

Hi-de-ho and a happy Sunday to you and yours from The Howdygram! It’s high noon, and while Sam is canoodling around at Tom Thumb — cream cheese for him, a pleasant loaf of French bread for moi — I’m pleased to provide the following Kvetch Report.

Friday, November 11, 2016

Sign this petition and you’ll be younger, thinner, richer and happier. Trust me.

There’s a big thing I forgot to include in my last post so I’ll do it right now. Thank you.

Aetna is not discontinuing my Medicare HMO plan for 2017 and Lenny is a moron.

Hello, bon jour and howdy from Texas, where your favorite blogger is attempting to cope with a week of monumental horseshit and unexpected disappointment. And I’m NOT just talking about the results of Tuesday’s election, either ... I’m also talking about my brand new Medicare health insurance plan with Aetna, which imploded yesterday after I contacted eHealth Medicare — the Internet broker that set me up with Aetna two months ago — to find out if any other plans had cheaper Part D drug co-pays because Sam had a couple of unpleasant cash register surprises at Wal-Mart’s pharmacy on Tuesday.

Wednesday, November 9, 2016

Oy, holy shit and Jesus H. Christ on a soda cracker.

I have nothing else to say right now. It’s 3:45 a.m., Sam is in bed and has no idea whatsoever that Donald Trump won the presidency. When he gets up in a few hours he’ll be completely ballistic, pissed and freaked out ... just as I am right now.

Tuesday, November 8, 2016

The 2016 election has been a truly unique clusterfuck of unspeakable magnitude.

It’s Election Day 2016, around 11:30 p.m., and we still don’t have a new president. The Manhattan orangutan has been surging in key battleground states but CNN insists that Hillary Clinton still has “the advantage.” I have no idea what that means.

Thursday, November 3, 2016

If I don’t get some sleep I’ll scare the crap out of everybody at Baylor Medical Center today.

I’ll begin this post with the biggest hoo-hah in sports from the last 108 years: THE CHICAGO CUBS WON THE WORLD SERIES LAST NIGHT! I didn’t watch game seven on purpose because I think I’m a jinx, so I decided to wait for the scores on my Facebook news feed. This is so fucking fantastic I think I’ll pop open a can of diet root beer!

Tuesday, November 1, 2016

Tonight we decided to “Thai one on” for dinner with a carryout food orgy.

Hi, boys and girls ... and happy Tuesday night to all of you! Do you know what today is?

Monday, October 31, 2016

I have what’s known as an “addictive personality disorder.”

Before I forget ... I’ve got an important better-late-than-never holiday greeting from The Howdygram to all my readers worldwide.

Friday, October 28, 2016

I enjoyed a juicy senior citizen shopping spree this week.

Yo, people, and happy Friday to you and yours! I have to type this Howdygram post as fast as possible for three very good reasons: 1) it’s 2:30 in the morning and I’m tired; 2) the skin on the back of my left thigh feels like somebody just set it on fire; and 3) I have to pee. Under the circumstances I know you’ll gladly overlook an occasional typo and/or mentally ill sentence construction. Thank you.

Tuesday, October 25, 2016

Watching TV is a totally amazing, theater-quality experience now. Pass the popcorn.

Good morning to y’all from the carefree, wide-open spaces of north Texas!  At the moment I’m enjoying a favorite senior citizen breakfast — Lipton Cup-a-Soup and a can of diet ginger ale — while I get hysterical about all the excellent movies I’m recording today, tomorrow and Thursday on TCM. I will list them for you below. The red stars denote my personal favorites. Thank you.

Saturday, October 22, 2016

Somewhere in Mesquite tonight there’s a needy family enjoying our old Sony TV.

I guess you’ve probably noticed my chic new blog logo, right? I’ve actually been dicking around with the Howdygram’s various artistic elements for more than two weeks until finally settling on the overall “look” you’re enjoying right now. I’m finally happy, people. Yee-haw!

Friday, October 21, 2016

Everybody likes a friendly feel now and then, right?

Hello, howdy-do, shalom and how’s the family from your friends at Howdygram headquarters! It’s 3 a.m. and I’m waiting for a line of thunderstorms to roll through here. I’m not holding my breath, however, because Weather.com is run by lying sacks of poo, and the bulk of the rain — which should have been here THREE HOURS AGO — is still hovering northeast of Abilene. The teeny red star on the following map denotes Howdygram headquarters. Wave to me. It gets lonely here in the middle of the night. (Thank you.)

Tuesday, October 18, 2016

Personal milestones and accomplishments.

I had one hell of a monumental weekend, people ... one that was jam-packed with PERSONAL MILESTONES AND ACCOMPLISHMENTS. I’ll elaborate for you now in neatly subtitled paragraphs. (You can thank me later.) But first I’d like to share the following quote by an extremely intelligent French person. If you never heard of Voltaire you have my sympathy. Also, please click here immediately, okay?

Saturday, October 15, 2016

News bulletin: Dish Network does home theater installations on Sundays!

Good morning, boys and girls! It’s 5:40 a.m., Sam just left for work and I’m polishing off a tasty little tub of Hormel Compleats Cheese Manicotti with Actual Meat Sauce and Spicy Black Flecks That Are Probably Cracked Peppercorns.

Thursday, October 13, 2016

I hope I’m well enough now to get my Howdygram posts back on track again.

I know, I know ... it’s been too long since my last Howdygram post. Calm down for a minute so I can explain WHY, okay?

Saturday, October 8, 2016

There’s a lot of hoo-hah going on around here.

It’s hard to believe that I haven’t written a Howdygram post since Wednesday. Trust me, nobody’s more disappointed about this than yours truly, but I didn’t have a choice based on the following four reasons: 1) severe pain; 2) severe pain; 3) severe pain; and 4) did I mention SEVERE PAIN. Once again it was an issue with those goddamn pressure sores on the back of both thighs (I’ve got three of them now) and a very large blood blister BLEEDING CRATER that breaks and heals at least once a week. Sam is in charge of the dressings and bandages. (We go through a lot of supplies here. I might have to start a GoFundMe page.)

Wednesday, October 5, 2016

Monday, October 3, 2016

Oh boy ... it’s open enrollment season for old coots on Medicare!

Thank God for Sam. No kidding, people, he saves my life every goddamn day. This morning I woke up on the chaise in the family room in severe pain after the big surgical bandages on the back of my thighs curled up during the night and glued themselves to my open pressure sores. I can’t begin to describe the agony involved here so I’ll just assign this miserable experience with a “10” on my Shit-O-Meter scale and move on to better news: SAM FIGURED OUT A NEW AND BETTER WAY TO BANDAGE MY SORES! It’s almost 3 p.m. and I’ve been sitting at my desk since noon ... ALMOST PAIN-FREE. Wow. Thank you, Sam!

Sunday, October 2, 2016

Can you name one Republican president who ever cut spending, cut the deficit or reduced the size of government?

I’m definitely having some chronic pain issues right now and they’re making it damn near impossible to sit here in the study composing my Howdygram post. I refer specifically to EXPLODED BLOOD BLISTERS on the back of both thighs — as well as disgusting LEAKING PRESSURE SORES — that Sam bandaged for me last night after my shower. The bandages, unfortunately, all yanked off (partially) when I got up from a nap on the chaise, and since Sam was already in bed I couldn’t wake him up screaming because I’d scare the living crap out of him. At the moment I’m in FUCKING AGONY. Please bear with me, okay? To entertain you in the meantime here’s my latest Shit-O-Meter Pain Report readout.

Friday, September 30, 2016

Holy mother of crap. How do you stuff a hamburger with an all-beef hot dog?

Happy Friday, how’s the family and shalom from Howdygram headquarters! It’s a beautiful September afternoon here in north Texas judging by what I see from the window in the study ... 78° and sunny with zero chance of rain. Absolutely perfect weather for opening day at the Texas State Fair here in Dallas. The big cattle parade is already underway downtown with cheerleaders in white cowboy boots, marching bands and bouncy twinkies with boobies and batons!

Wednesday, September 28, 2016

Earlier today on Fox News Donald Trump said Shimon Peres’ funeral is “rigged.”

Sam is coming home from California today. Oy, finally! To say I’ve missed my adorable string bean is the understatement of the year. To fill the time until his flight lands at 4:50 this afternoon, I’ll be: 1) working on this Howdygram post; 2) answering assorted emails from my best friend Sandi; 3) eating things; and 4) taking a nice shower with seriously hot water. All of these will be accomplished in no particular order whatsoever. Thank you.

Tuesday, September 27, 2016

If Sam accidentally watches a Carmen Miranda movie he could have a brain hemorrhage.

Here for your possible interest are FOUR EXCELLENT THINGS that happened at Howdygram headquarters since Sam’s been in California.

Monday, September 26, 2016

Seriously ... Donald Trump says he lost tonight’s debate due to a defective microphone.

I’ve been dicking around with the Howdygram since 9:30 this morning ... tweaking some colors, changing a few sidebar graphics and generally driving myself insane over shit nobody cares about except me. Mostly, though, I’m trying to forget three things: 1) that Sam is still in California visiting his friends and relatives; 2) that he ate dinner last night at Brent’s Deli (photo to follow) with a lot of relatives and free Kosher pickles; and 3) presidential politics.

Sunday, September 25, 2016

Brent’s Deli in Northridge is the home of the hanging salamis. And they’ve got the best chopped liver on earth.

We’re having a wet and dismal Sunday morning at Howdygram headquarters, but I won’t complain about this for three excellent reasons: 1) we desperately need the rain; 2) I never leave the house, anyway, due to being a housebound senior citizen with mobility issues; and 3) I can’t think of anything else. At the moment there’s a line of thunderstorms rolling through here with a cold front. The high tomorrow will be 75° instead of 95°. Whoa!

Saturday, September 24, 2016

Sam is living it up tonight at Universal Citywalk in Hollywood. Woo-hoo!

Happy Saturday morning to you and yours from the lonely old lady at Howdygram headquarters. Sam is in southern California visiting his friends and relatives and I’m holding down the fort with a warm, flat can of Diet Cherry 7-Up leftover from last night. It’s 10:45 a.m.

Friday, September 23, 2016

News flash! A 60-inch media console is actually big enough to hold a 68-inch flat screen TV.

So here’s what’s going on at Howdygram headquarters today ... in neatly-subtitled paragraphs with occasional pictures so you won’t get bored. Thank you.

Wednesday, September 21, 2016

My head feels like it’s too heavy for my neck. This is actually a very pleasant sensation.

It’s 8:45 Wednesday morning and I’m waiting for a drug bomb to explode. I accidentally took  two tablets of Metoprolol this morning instead of one ... and that’s the higher dose that made me PASS OUT a number of times when I first started taking it. Metoprolol slows my heart rate and I take it for a condition called atrial fibrillation.

Sunday, September 18, 2016

Führer Donald Trump finally reveals his replacement for Obamacare insurance.

Wow, people. Just wow! As lousy as I felt yesterday with my pain level at a solid #7 and broken blood blisters on the back of my left thigh ... today I did a 180-degree flip and feel really AVERAGE! After quite a bit of sleep I’m pleased to announce that the skin on my thigh isn’t bothering me at all and I’m enjoying a pleasant late lunch of lobster ramen and an ice cold Marcytini. And a bag of sugar-free Russell Stover chocolates that Sam bought for me at Wal-Mart. I’m pretty sure life can’t get much better than this!

Friday, September 16, 2016

For the first time in several weeks I feel compelled to post a Shit-O-Meter readout.

I want very much to write a Howdygram post right now but I’m in too much goddamn pain to sit still. It’s 12:30 Friday morning, half an hour past midnight, and I’ve already taken more than enough pain meds ... BUT EVERYTHING STILL HURTS! I’m referring to the hypersensitive skin on the back of both thighs from pressure sores, blood blisters and diabetic neuropathy. This is absolutely AWFUL tonight, and for the first time in several weeks I feel compelled to post the following Shit-O-Meter readout.

Thursday, September 15, 2016

A tale of dead taste buds and bursting blood blisters.

Hello, what’s new and happy Thursday from Howdygram headquarters! Today in the wee hours of the morning my various and sundry chronic health complaints include: 1) dead taste buds due to diabetic neuropathy; 2) severe knee pain; 3) a headache; and 4) BURSTING BLOOD BLISTERS on the back of my left thigh because pressure sores apparently aren’t disgusting enough. I DON’T NEED THIS, PEOPLE. As a matter of fact, I’m feeling mighty lousy right now and probably should put my feet up and watch one of the excellent movies stored on our DVR. I’m thinking Hayley Mills or The Martian (2015) starring Matt Damon. Or maybe BOTH!

Tuesday, September 13, 2016

Fourteen fabulous fonts and two pathetic dancers.

Good morning, how’s the family and happy Tuesday, boys and girls! As I listen to our landscapers outside whacking away at the lawn I’ve been up to my ears in thrilling new FREE FONTS from my two favorite websites, iFonts.xyz and BeFonts.com. Today’s haul is enough to choke a horse and I want to get this part of my post out of the way immediately. Thank you.

Sunday, September 11, 2016

Please try my secret senior citizens’ trick for better-tasting diet soda.

I guess it’s exhausting to watch a rodeo, because Sam and David got home last night around 9:15, waved hello and went straight to bed! However Sam visited with me just long enough to describe the experience as “an Evangelical right-wing Republican tent meeting with REAL HORSE SHIT.” Yup. Welcome to Texas.

Saturday, September 10, 2016

Dallas has a number of worthwhile bright spots to see. Remember the School Book Depository?

There’s big news today at Howdygram headquarters ... DAVID IS COMING FOR A VISIT! I’m referring, of course, to Sam’s younger brother, the one who lives in Scottsdale with his really sweet wife and an intensely talented dancing teenage daughter named Anna. David is visiting alone, however, which gives him some excellent time to hang out with Sam — almost four whole days, actually! — and enjoy all the bright spots of Dallas. And we really have a number of worthwhile bright spots to see! Sam and David will check out the Mesquite Championship Rodeo tonight, the JFK Museum, School Book Depository and essential dead president’s gift shop tomorrow, followed by Monday at the Fort Worth Stockyards to eat barbecue sandwiches on Texas toast and listen to mooing. Mooing is good. Trust me.

Friday, September 9, 2016

Maybe I’d better stop designing iPhone cases and learn how to speak Spanish.

Happy Thursday, boys and girls! Sam is on his way to Costco for a trunkload of our favorite must-have food products — teeny tacos, oatmeal cups, breakfast burritos, bacon-wrapped shrimp and a juicy rotisserie chicken — and I’m at home with a nice can of diet root beer. Please hold a good thought that Costco has one rotisserie chicken left for me, although it’s already after 7 p.m. so there’s probably a 90% chance that the chickens are all gone by now. I hate it when all the chickens are gone!

Tuesday, September 6, 2016

Buh-bye, nighty-night, sayonara, adios, shalom, zip-ah-dee-doo-dah and don’t forget to floss.

Hey, know what? I want to begin this post with a shameless plug for my adorable little shop on Zazzle: The Howdygram Store. With Apple’s big iPhone 7 launch date coming up on Wednesday I decided to spend most of the holiday weekend working on new case designs. Four fine examples appear below for your possible interest. These include: 1) a trendy pairing of aqua and white damask prints; 2) photorealistic dark natural cork; 3) a vintage floral print featuring pink and crimson roses; and 4) photorealistic natural stone. Oy, I love these!

Monday, September 5, 2016

Please pay attention because I’m running out of time.

Oy. It’s 11:58 p.m. on Labor Day ... which means I only have TWO STINKING MINUTES to upload my attractive holiday graphic!

Saturday, September 3, 2016

A whole rotisserie chicken is a thoughtful and ideal gift for a housebound senior citizen.

As I write this post Sam is prowling the aisles at Costco to load up on excellent, tasty shit for our long holiday weekend. Today’s shopping list includes: 1) refrigerated chicken flautas; 2) refrigerated breakfast burritos; 3) refrigerated teeny tacos; 4) a tub of Cape Cod chicken salad; 5) gigantic Chinese chicken salad wrap sandwiches with sesame dressing; 6) tasty oatmeal cups with chopped-up fruits and nuts; 7) frozen gigantic panko-breaded shrimp; 8) frozen bacon-wrapped shrimp with real toothpicks and a fascinating semi-Asian chili sauce; 9) a large take-and-bake supreme pizza from the refrigerated food case; and 10) a whole rotisserie chicken JUST FOR YOURS TRULY because Sam won’t eat chicken with any bones in it. (Don’t ask.)

You don’t have to be a breathing fossil to sign up for Consumer Cellular.

I’ve got a number of significant news items to share with you this morning. As per my usual style I’ll present them to you in neatly-subtitled paragraphs. You’re welcome.

Thursday, September 1, 2016

Everybody at DirecTV is a stinking psychopath.

You know what? I really didn’t plan to write about this again [see previous post] but I saw a news item online yesterday that changed my mind. Ready for this? Former Texas Governor Rick “Dumbass” Perry will join Marcia Brady (Maureen McCormick), Vanilla Ice and disgraced Olympian Ryan Lochte on season 23 of ABC-TV’s “Dancing with the Total Losers.” I honestly can’t think of anything more likely to make me puke than Rick Perry — or douchebag Ryan Lochte either, for that matter! — in sequined pants trying to do the mambo. Holy crap.

Monday, August 29, 2016

Inspiration and deep thoughts from Ryan Lochte: “Water is practically part of my life.”

I hate it when I can’t keep promises I make to myself. For instance, I promised myself I’d finish uploading my latest 17 bottle opener designs for The Howdygram Store ... and then I totally FORGOT due to a seriously annoying health-related incident — a “leakage” hoo-hah that happened twice in two days — to which I always respond by falling asleep and remaining unconscious for as long as possible (and as often as possible) until I don’t feel depressed about it any more. Most recently it was a six-hour nap that ended at 1:30 in the morning — about 90 minutes ago — and so here I am, wide awake with a cup of sugar-free Hawaiian Punch and a couple of mostly-stale pretzel rods.

Friday, August 26, 2016

My life as a coot: Easy, speedy meals and fluffy slippers for lousy feet.

I’ve got so much excellent material for this Howdygram post that my brain will probably explode, but I guess the easiest way to get started is with a short list of important current events. Thank you for putting up with me.

Dr. Ben Carson is probably the worst goddamn campaign surrogate in history.

Yo, people! It’s 2:15 Friday morning and I should be asleep right now except I feel guilty that I haven’t written a Howdygram post since Tuesday, so I’ll sit here in the study and type until my pain meds kick in and I can’t focus my eyes. Thank you.

Tuesday, August 23, 2016

Introducing “Font U” and other Tuesday nonsense.

It’s 3 a.m. Tuesday morning and I’m wide awake. Looks like my new and improved normal sleeping schedule [see previous post] lasted only one stinking day. However I’ve decided to cut myself some slack and stop worrying about this. I’m a retired senior citizen with a pile of irritating health issues AND I’LL SLEEP WHENEVER THE FUCK I WANT. Thank you.

Sunday, August 21, 2016

My summer activity schedule: Eat, watch a movie, fall asleep, repeat.

Happy Sunday to you and yours from Howdygram headquarters! With yoooge pride and delight I’d like to announce that I’M FINALLY ON A NORMAL SLEEP SCHEDULE, having officially conked out last night at 11:30 p.m. and waking this morning at 7. Even better, after a decent amount of really solid sleep I would also like to announce that my knees feel fine, I have no neuropathy pain whatsoever, and — best of all — I get to eat leftover Chinese for breakfast today! With a plastic fork!

Friday, August 19, 2016

“The Emperor Has No Balls.”

Hi, guys. Y’all may be pleased to know I’m feeling a lot better tonight, and whatever was ailing me got knocked out by lots of drugs, seven hours of sleep and the following images of  hilarious and creepy NAKED DONALD TRUMP STATUES that were unveiled in public areas of major cities all over America on Thursday by the anarchist art collective Indecline. Holy shit, they’re priceless! Trump is represented with a Mussolini face, mountains of flab, the classic old man ass and a grotesque micropenis. The statue is titled “The Emperor Has No Balls.” Enjoy, okay?

Thursday, August 18, 2016

The “mute” switch is the iPhone feature from hell.

Can we talk? I’M NOT WELL. As I write this post I feel feverish, clammy, chilled, wracked with joint pain and body aches, plus: 1) my nose and eyes are running; 2) the skin on the back of my thighs is pinching and burning due to diabetic neuropathy; 3) I think somebody set my left foot on fire; 4) I’ve had a headache since late yesterday afternoon; 5) I can’t catch my breath; and 6) my bladder is trying to give out on me again and twice tonight I barely made it to the bathroom. I also have a hangnail and might be coming down with another urinary tract infection (my third in two months). In short, I feel like shit.

Wednesday, August 17, 2016

Is Kim Kardashian styling the women’s track & field athletes in Rio?

Apparently I’m making a regular habit of middle-of-the-night Howdygram posts while normal people are asleep. I don’t know how I wound up on this idiotic schedule. When Sam shuffles off to bed at 11 p.m. like a regular person, I park myself in the study till sun-up with pretzel rods and Diet Sunkist. Jealous?!

Tuesday, August 16, 2016

Maruchan Yakisoba Spicy Chicken Japanese Noodles receives our coveted three-chopper rating.

Hello, people. It’s 2:30 Tuesday morning and I’ve been dragging my ass with this Howdygram post since shortly after lunch on Monday. Two naps, four hours of Olympics coverage and lots of drugs later, I figure I’ll start with a rewrite of my lede paragraph since what I ate for lunch 14 hours ago will interest nobody even though it was a semi-tasty tub of Maruchan Yakisoba Spicy Chicken Noodles followed by Wal-Mart peanut butter with a plastic teaspoon. In case you’re interested, Maruchan isn’t kidding about the “spicy” part.

Monday, August 15, 2016

Remember, free fonts can be a thoughtful hostess gift.

Hi-de-ho, boys and girls, and happy Sunday morning from Howdygram headquarters! I have no plans whatsoever for today except for sending Sam to Wal-Mart for a prescription refill and a few essential groceries such as bread, watermelon and Ritz crackers. Also we’ll probably watch the Olympics on TV and take a nap. How about you?

Saturday, August 13, 2016

I’m so consistent it’s almost terrifying.

Every once in a while a light bulb goes on in my head and I have an “a-ha” moment about something. Like early this morning, for instance, when I decided to change the Howdygram’s accent color from brown to a dark chili pepper red. So what’s the big deal, you ask? A year ago when Sam and I remodeled our kitchen and bathrooms I chose a gorgeous accent wall paint for the family room: “Rum Punch” from Pittsburgh Paints.

Friday, August 12, 2016

Introducing ugly fonts ... a sloppy new trend.

Hello. It’s 4:45 in the afternoon and I’m beating myself up for waiting almost five hours to start typing this post, because now it’s time to take my shower and grab a quick nap before Sam gets home from work. I’ve been parked at my desk since noon, diddling with a couple of dopey projects, surfing news stories online (mostly CNN and Raw Story), eating pretzel rods and drinking Diet Sunkist.

Thursday, August 11, 2016

Whatever happened to gigantic Germans throwing javelins?

I know you’ll forgive me for taking a four-day break from Howdygrammin’ due to all of the following sincerely valid and honest excuses. Open yourself a nice cold can of diet ginger ale and get comfortable, okay?

Sunday, August 7, 2016

Why is beach volleyball still a thing at the summer Olympics?

Tonight I’ve got a kvetch report that pretty much takes the cake. I began the day (Sunday) by discovering that my pish looks like swamp water and the reason I was so miserable yesterday with a low-grade fever, joint pain and body aches is because — wait for it — I’VE GOT A URINARY TRACT INFECTION. Yes, friends, another one! Thank God I didn’t finish the medication (Ciprofloxacin) from my last infection in July; I started taking it again this morning and with any luck I’ve got enough pills to get rid of the symptoms.

Friday, August 5, 2016

Scammy crooks from AT&T tried to ruin our pleasant Friday night.

Hi-de-ho and happy Friday from your friends at Howdygram headquarters. I’ve had a bizarre day that (so far) has involved only three activities: 1) sleeping; 2) adding nine relatives, one hairdresser, one doctor, two Chinese restaurants and a maid to the contact list on my beautiful new iPhone 5S; and 3) taking a shower. At the moment I’m waiting for Sam to call so I can order us a couple of juicy chicken burritos from Chipotle. He’ll pick them up on his way home from work, bless his heart. I’M STARVING.

Is a “Babinski” a Polish baby deer?

It’s 5 a.m. here in north Texas and Sam is in bed. I’m drinking an ice cold can of diet ginger ale and just finished refilling my pill sorter for the week ahead. At this time of night I’m never really sure if I should go back to sleep or sit up for a few hours taking drugs and working on a Howdygram post. So many decisions ...

Tuesday, August 2, 2016

Raise your hand if you remember Dong Dong, the Chinese trampoline superstar.

As the Rio Games approach — opening ceremonies are scheduled for 6 p.m. Friday, although I don’t know if that’s Eastern time or Central time — we have to wonder what’s really in store for the tens of thousands of athletes and spectators descending on the largest open sewer in the free world. In the meantime, though, kindly mark your calendar for some of these riveting and intensely popular athletic competitions: Kayaking on Tuesday, August 9; Table Tennis on Wednesday, August 10; and Trampoline on Friday, August 19.

Monday, August 1, 2016

I almost got my new iPhone 5S today.

It’s 12:30 Monday afternoon, and here’s the latest juicy news from your favorite housebound senior citizen at Howdygram headquarters.

Sunday, July 31, 2016

Ryan Bundy, the eldest son of Cliven, is a modern-day “Joe Danby” and a certified idiot.

Ah, Saturday! I just woke up from a glorious seven-hour nap (details to follow) followed by a nice, hot shower ... and Sam is at Wal-Mart buying cole slaw and potato salad. Life doesn’t get much better than this, does it?!

Friday, July 29, 2016

There’s no such thing as too many fonts.

Good morning from the Howdygram. It’s 6 a.m. and I woke up about 90 minutes ago with a bladder emergency. The problem is, I don’t move very fast any more and by the time my brain sends out a signal that IT’S TIME TO PISH IMMEDIATELY I’m still sitting on the chaise trying to get my slippers on. Therefore, without actually saying what I’m trying not to say, a housebound senior citizen with mobility issues like yours truly can’t make it to the bathroom in a situation like this and leaves a puddle somewhere that it’s not supposed to be. And then I get depressed about it.

Thursday, July 28, 2016

Unless your grandfather was an actual farmer I don’t really understand the appeal of a barnyard wedding.

I wanted to write a Howdygram post yesterday but I was overwhelmed by many other things to do. These included: 1) designing two dozen very classsy coffee mugs for The Howdygram Store; 2) napping; 3) watching half of “Deadliest Catch” with Sam because we both fell asleep; and 4) I can’t think of anything else.

Tuesday, July 26, 2016

Russian graphic designers and insane Siberian clip art.

Hi-de-ho from my house to yours, boys and girls! It’s 3:30 Tuesday morning and I just woke up from a truly pleasant, FIVE-HOUR after-dinner nap in the family room. Holy mother of crap. I just realized that I probably won’t be able to go back to sleep until sun-up because now I’m getting comfortable at my desk, taking handfuls of pills and kibbitzing with you. I LOVE MY DRUGS. (No, seriously. I really do.)

Monday, July 25, 2016

My left foot hurts when I walk, talk, pish and breathe. It even hurts when I eat.

This was one of the worst weekends EVER for me, pain-wise. I don’t usually start two back-to-back posts with the same section and graphic, but this time I had no other choice. Mostly I think I’m having a severe neuropathy attack — does something like this even exist? — which has made me FUCKING MISERABLE. It’s my left foot, primarily: 1) two screaming toes; 2) the arch of my foot; and 3) the entire heel, all to the extent that it hurts when I sit, it hurts when I stand, and it hurts when I walk, talk, pish and breathe. And holy shit, it even hurts when I eat!

Friday, July 22, 2016

Screaming toes are ruining my life.

It’s 7:45 Thursday morning, and I’m already having another nasty pain day today as evidenced by my official Shit-O-Meter readout (see below). The current problem is HEEL PAIN and SCREAMING TOES due to diabetic peripheral neuropathy in my left foot. If you already have miserable neuropathy pain sitting down, try to imagine what this shit feels like when you stand up and walk! I’m taking extra pain pills whenever nobody’s looking. (Kindly keep your mouth shut about this. Thank you.)

Thursday, July 21, 2016

Three fucking accidents on I-30 and no rotisserie chickens.

That was one hell of a nap, people. FIVE HOURS. And for a change nothing woke me up ... NOTHING, not even FedEx ringing the doorbell with a package from Wal-Mart or a goddamn birding tweeting under the arbor on our patio. God bless naps! GOD BLESS RETIREMENT!

Unfortunately, I’m a housebound coot who can’t stand up any more to cook things.

Hi-de-ho, boys and girls! It’s 10 o’clock Thursday morning, Sam’s at work and I’m at my desk in the study noshing on Bugles, a Diet Sunkist and the last sugar-free fried pie leftover from Sunday. Stop laughing. I’ve always been into health food.

Tuesday, July 19, 2016

Breakfast fantasies and breaking news.

Yo. I feel pain-free and well-rested right now following a six-hour nap in the family room and a tasty, symmetrically-appealing dinner whipped together by Sam when he got home from work. This included two Costco pre-cooked Angus hamburger patties — with real melted American cheese! — flanked by teeny scoops of potato salad. Oy. Heaven.

Hey ... did you miss me?

I apologize sincerely if you’ve been hanging out in cyberspace, depressed, despondent and desperately waiting for my next Howdygram post. The fact is, I got caught up in a variety of other activities that required my attention but didn’t involve typing, which I’ll list for you below in neat, subtitled paragraphs. (I have a fondness for neat, subtitled paragraphs.) Thank you.

Friday, July 15, 2016

Please do your best to remember the Alamo.

I sure picked a hell of a day [see earlier post] to stop looking at news websites, didn’t I? In my desperate effort to stop reading stories about the bullshit Republican Party, and looking at pictures of their bullshit candidate, Donald Trump, it’s 5:30 Friday morning and I just now found out about yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France. Apparently a card-carrying maniac in a rented truck killed 84 people at a seaside Bastille Day fireworks display.

Thursday, July 14, 2016

Happy belated birthday, Herbie.

Yesterday would have been my father’s 96th birthday. I didn’t forget to mention it in my last post ... I just refused to deal with the grief that I only have three pictures of him — THREE! — all of which I’ve published before and I didn’t know if I wanted to bore you again with the same ones. Incidentally, if you want to know why I’m in this predicament it’s because my mother — a few years before she died and for reasons only known to her — THREW OUT EVERY FAMILY PHOTO THAT EVER EXISTED. Family vacations, my cousins’ bar mitzvahs, my grandparents, school events, my parents’ baby pictures, all of my baby pictures, you name it, they’re gone. And I didn’t find out until a month or two after mom passed away last year, when I asked my sister how we should divvy up all the family photos ... and she hit me with the truth bomb instead. I still cry every time I think about this. Even from the grave mom made me feel like garbage.

I deserve a Chipotle burrito for dinner tonight.

Know what? I’m a nervous wreck and I’M SICK TO DEATH OF POLITICS. For the last 48 hours I’ve been unsubscribing from email lists and backing away from national news websites. I don’t want to read any more about Donald Trump’s asshole V.P. picks, his feuds, his idiotic conspiracy theories and his stupid fucking rampages on Twitter. No kidding, I’M DONE WITH THIS. And I don’t want any local news in the Howdygram, either, unless it’s some home-grown bullshit here in Texas involving a fight at the Waffle House or a couple of Einsteins trying to drive off with a Wells Fargo ATM machine.

Wednesday, July 13, 2016

I’ll be glad to show you a substantial puddle in the front foyer that I created unexpectedly about half an hour ago.

It’s the crack of 3 a.m. and I woke up from my after-dinner nap about 45 minutes ago. I’m still tired and I’m having a very hard time keeping my eyes open, but most of the problem might be that I’m running a THREE-DEGREE FEVER — it’s 99.8°; “normal” for me is 97° — with body aches, stiff knees, chills and, once again, ZERO BLADDER CONTROL. If you don’t believe me I’ll be glad to show you a substantial puddle in the front foyer that I created unexpectedly about half an hour ago.

Monday, July 11, 2016

Where the hell is Robert Osborne?

Yo, people. In case you’re wondering how come I didn’t write any Howdygram posts all weekend it’s because I just didn’t feel like it. Also: 1) I was busy downloading more free fonts; 2) I napped more than usual; 3) Sam needed my help with a few issues; and 4) by the time I got done with items one, two and three I was too drained to do anything except design a new line of children’s lunch boxes for The Howdygram Store. A sample lunch box appears below for your possible interest. My new children’s collection includes cute beach birds, anime cartoons of boys and girls floating around with balloons, smiling jungle animals and more. All of them are personalized.

Friday, July 8, 2016

Republicans are having a lot of nervous breakdowns.

Oy. By now everybody has seen the news from Dallas ... 11 police officers were shot ambush-style — and five are dead! — after snipers opened fire on them tonight during a Black Lives Matter march downtown protesting the recent police murders of two more black men, Alton Sterling and Philando Castile. THIS IS JUST TOO MUCH. And now it’s close to home! Although I’m safely ensconced (and housebound) at Howdygram headquarters with an abundance of canned ravioli and “Columbo” reruns, Sam works in the city not too far from where all this sniper shit went down ... and I’m NOT HAPPY that he has to be in the office at 6:30 a.m. tomorrow when it’s still dark outside and the streets may still be blocked off. The following map indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters; B) the location of tonight’s police shootings in downtown Dallas; and C) where Sam works. Last time I checked the local news there were bomb squads “sweeping” all the downtown parking garages for explosives!

Thursday, July 7, 2016

The Howdygram’s official Clots “R” Us Do-It-Yourself Blood Clot Clinic is open for business.

Good Thursday morning, boys and girls! It’s 6 a.m., Sam just left for work and I have nothing special planned for the rest of the day except for: 1) writing this post; 2) injecting insulin and taking piles of pills; 3) working on new designs for coffee mugs and can coolers for The Howdygram Store; 4) hunting for free fonts; and 5) testing my INR (blood clotting speed) with a finger-stabby thing and emailing the results to Dr. M.

Tuesday, July 5, 2016

This week’s “do” list and other silly baloney.

I seriously thought I wanted to spend all day designing can coolers for The Howdygram Store but an uncontrollable urge to type things commandeered my brain ... SO HERE I AM!

Heartfelt thanks to the lying sacks of poo at Weather.com.

Hi. It’s 11:30 Monday night and Sam is already in bed due to starting tomorrow he’ll be working FIRST SHIFT for the first time in 25 years. My schedule will be completely screwed but I’ll do my damndest to sleep when Sam sleeps and be awake when he leaves in the morning. Cross your fingers, though. It may take a while to ease into this shit. Meanwhile ... we’ve got SCARY SEVERE THUNDERSTORMS rolling through here right now with winds in excess of 60 m.p.h. and heavy rain pounding against the windows ... even though NOTHING WHATSOEVER was in the forecast! Our heartfelt thanks to the lying sacks of poo at Weather.com.

Monday, July 4, 2016

Happy Fourth to you and yours.

It’s 4 a.m. and I’m completely upside-down. I should probably get some sleep now instead of starting a Howdygram post, but this is a classic example of my critical thinking skills. The body says “sleep” but the brain says “keep typing, idiot.” So ... onward!

Friday, July 1, 2016

I always keep a handy-dandy canister of Manischewitz matzo farfel on my desk.

Happy Friday night to you and yours! I thought I’d write another blog post due to having plenty of free time AND WHY THE HELL NOT?! For the moment this is more fun than uploading lunch box designs to The Howdygram Store ... plus I’m still eating my dinner and don’t really need another nap yet.

My morning meds turned me into a groggy zombie today with floaty arms and double vision.

Good morning, people. It’s not quite 9 a.m., I just finished a couple of rock-hard Jimmy Dean sausage biscuits (definitely my fault; I nuked them too long) and I’m pleased to report that my morning meds turned me into a groggy zombie today with floaty arms and double vision. This feels GODDAMN FABULOUS and I highly recommend the drug combination listed below.

Thursday, June 30, 2016

Announcing this week’s fuck-ups from the Donald Trump campaign.

Happy Thursday and hi-de-ho from Howdygram headquarters, which actually consists of one housebound editrix (me) in hot and sticky north Texas. I will verify that statement with the following authentic screen shot from Weather.com. Yes, boys and girls, it’s a FUCKING INFERNO down here, and we’re entering a dreaded Triple-Digit Zone that typically runs through mid-September. Yee-haw, right?

Wednesday, June 29, 2016

Sam and I love the ritzy Star Transit senior citizen “cootmobile.”

Just in case you’re wondering how my doctor appointment turned out yesterday, the round-trip excursion on Mesquite’s ritzy senior citizen transport bus with a wheelchair elevator was absolutely fine, my visit with Dr. M was absolutely fine also, and I don’t have to go back for SIX MONTHS. Six months! I’ve been seeing her quarterly for about seven years so this is definitely a break from tradition.

Monday, June 27, 2016

Yee-haw! Let’s have a Medicare party!

Oy, I did it. With my 65th birthday looming ahead I just signed up for a Medicare Advantage plan! On the first of October I’ll be covered by Aetna’s Medicare Prime HMO, a very fine insurance thing with no monthly premium, no office visit co-pays, free generic drugs and — best of all — I get to keep Dr. M as my primary care physician! As soon as I get my paperwork from Aetna we’ll forward a copy to the halfwits in Sam’s personnel department so they can cancel my group insurance coverage on the appropriate date. Yee-haw! LET’S HAVE A MEDICARE PARTY! I’ll bring the diapers, cookies and denture cleaner!

Sunday, June 26, 2016

It’s time once again for my regular, quarterly hoo-hah with Dr. M.

Happy Sunday, boys and girls! After spending the last day and a half working on a large number of adorable lunch box designs for The Howdygram Store (stop laughing!) I decided it was high time for a blog post covering the juicy news of the day. And here I am!

Friday, June 24, 2016

Introducing Sam’s Lone Star hot sauce collection!

Hey. Wondering where I’ve been for the last few days? I have a one-word answer: RIGHT HERE! (Okay, two words.) However I haven’t posted anything to the Howdygram because I was very busy working on projects for The Howdygram Store ... such as our new adorable wireless mice that coordinate with all of our mousepad designs! This involved a great deal of work, believe it or not, including: 1) designing artwork for 45 mice; 2) saving the aforementioned artwork as high-resolution PNG files; 3) uploading the artwork to Zazzle and creating each wireless mouse one-by-one; 4) writing product descriptions; 5) assigning a store category; 6) embedding search key words; and 7) I can’t think of anything else.

Tuesday, June 21, 2016

I’m not having a great day. (Donald Trump’s is even worse.)

Hi and howdy-do from Texas, y’all. I’ll begin with a simple statement: I’M NOT HAVING SUCH A GREAT DAY. While I’m not exactly in any actual pain, per se (see my official Shit-O-Meter readout, below), I do feel extremely lousy due to 24 hours of unhappy intestinal issues, chills and body aches from a low-grade fever, and — saving the best for last — an overactive, uncontrollable bladder that has me “marking territory” as I speed-shlep to the closest bathroom. As I said, I’m not having a great day. Not at all.

Monday, June 20, 2016

I didn’t think I wanted to write a Howdygram post tonight, but I lied.

Okay, so here’s the thing. In an effort to take a brief break from politics I didn’t think I wanted to write a Howdygram post tonight but — surprise! surprise! — I just changed my mind at the very last minute. It’s 11:23 p.m. and I’ll just keep on typing until my brain runs out of bullshit. (Actually, that could take a while.)

Sunday, June 19, 2016

Happy almost-belated Father’s Day.

Happy Sunday night from hot and sweaty north Texas! It’s 81° at 11 p.m., I’m showered, fed and rested, Sam is outside in his slippers shuffling back and forth in front of the house, and I actually tried to start this post hours and hours ago — before lunch, actually! — but never really got into it. Therefore I’m way too late wishing everybody a happy Father’s Day, in case you’re a father. Here’s my annual celebratory graphic just for the hell of it.

Saturday, June 18, 2016

Little Marco is back from the dead.

Oy. Medicare. THERE’S SO MUCH TO CHOOSE FROM! Around 8:45 yesterday morning I was jolted from a dead sleep on the chaise by a chatty Medicare Advantage rep named Ava who shot me with a barrage of questions, found me an excellent Aetna HMO Medicare plan, and then asked for a list of my prescriptions — please spell them, Mrs. Marks, how many milligrams do you take and how many times a day — and I did it! FROM MEMORY! Even better, it seems that all of my drugs, even both kinds of insulin, are considered Tier 1 generics with NO CO-PAY. Wow, yee-haw and holy shit!

Wednesday, June 15, 2016

Are you watching the Democratic filibuster in the Senate?!

Happy Wednesday night, people. If you haven’t been watching the televised event of the year, you’re missing a fantastic filibuster in the United States Senate! Senator Chris Murphy (D-CT) began this morning at 11:20 a.m. and it seems that he’s working with a tag-team of two other senators, bouncing back and forth with pre-arranged “questions” and “answers,” which is actually a very clever strategy: Cory Booker (D-NJ) and Dick Durbin (D-IL). Other participants have included Elizabeth Warren and Edward Markey (D-MA), Richard Blumenthal (D-NJ), Dianne Feinstein (D-CA), Ben Nelson (D-FL) and Charles Schumer (D-NY). Democrats from the House of Represenatives have been delivering “care packages” all day (mostly Red Bull, soft drinks and snacks) to keep the senators going.

Tuesday, June 14, 2016

Donald Trump is a pair of chapped lips superglued to a hairball.

Shalom to you and yours from the fine people at Howdygram headquarters! Today I’m pleased to announce the arrival of a fat and exceptionally official envelope from the Department of Health and Human Services that heralds my enrollment in Medicare — drum roll! — and launches yours truly into the wild and crazy world of Parts A and B, Advantage Plans, Medigap insurance and thoroughly annoying Part D prescription drug coverage. Incidentally ... can somebody please tell me WHY IS INSULIN SO FUCKING EXPENSIVE when it’s been around since 1921?!

Sunday, June 12, 2016

Thank God I’m a housebound senior citizen. The world is scaring me to death.

Oy, I AM SO FUCKING SICK OF THIS SHIT. Our latest national tragedy features another angry lunatic with a machine gun, this time in a crowded LGBT night club in Orlando. So far 50 are dead and 53 injured, and authorities are calling it the worst mass murder in our country’s history. Once again the Republican shitweasels in Congress have proved their everlasting devotion to the NRA.

My latest Putz of the Week is a real doozy.

It’s 2:30 Saturday afternoon but I have to begin this post with a hearty GOOD MORNING! because I woke up less than an hour ago due to being completely upside-down, sleep-wise. I was conked out on the chaise in the family room until 3:45 this morning, dragged myself into the study to take the bedtime pills and insulin injection I’d forgotten the night before, and then decided to sit around and finish designing a thrilling new line of tranquility-themed greeting cards and snazzy padfolios for The Howdygram Store on Zazzle (see below). For your possible interest, this new collection of greeting cards (10 different designs so far) is NOT what you expect because the sentiments inside are definitely not tranquil in any way whatsoever. Thank you.

Thursday, June 9, 2016

Our Clots “R” Us Do-It-Yourself Blood Clot Clinic was open for business this afternoon.

Hi, guys. I considered skipping today’s Howdygram post for one reason and one reason only: I can’t think of anything to write, not counting the following potential subjects: 1) I’m heading into another battle with Dr. M’s office regarding why the fuck don’t they respond to prescription refill requests; 2) if you’ve never tried Hormel Compleats’ Chicken Breast with Mashed Potatoes and Gravy you’re in for a glorious surprise; 3) I’ve got seven more new free fonts for you; and 4) my Clots “R” Us Do-It-Yourself Blood Clot Clinic was open for business this afternoon.

Wednesday, June 8, 2016

Everything you need to know about The Big Slipper Attack Hoo-Hah of 2016.

Hi-do-ho and happy Wednesday to you and yours! The world’s most adorable husband just got home from his weekly Costco excursion, and while Sam (the aforementioned adorable husband) refills our refrigerator with teeny tacos and assorted other whatnots I thought this might be a fine time to dive into today’s Howdygram post.

Tuesday, June 7, 2016

A sad day for the entire planet.

I was unable to write Howdygram posts for the last few days for the following perfectly acceptable reasons.

Friday, June 3, 2016

Donald Trump is a litigious wad of rancid lunch meat.

Hi, people. Did you miss me yesterday? I wanted to write a Howdygram post but got caught up designing a thundering herd of new mousepads for The Howdygram Store, my number one favorite new addiction as a retired graphic artist. Not only does this provide an ongoing creative outlet for me, I also earn a few bucks in royalties whenever Zazzle sells my products. MONEY IS TERRIFIC. Stay tuned ... I’ll share a few of my new designs later in this post.

Wednesday, June 1, 2016

Never trust the inmates.

Happy first day of June, boys and girls! I’ve decided to squeeze in this Howdygram post between all the heavy thunderstorms and pounding rain we didn’t get, thanks to the lying sacks of poo at Weather.com who wouldn’t recognize a heavy thunderstorm if it blew into town wearing a goddamn name tag. What a bunch of fucking idiots. When I went to bed last night we were expecting four hours of severe weather starting at 6:45 a.m. — FOUR HOURS! — and we got exactly nothing.

Tuesday, May 31, 2016

The Howdygram Store is pleased to introduce ceramic mugs and an expanded line of mousepads.

 It’s been two whole days since my last post and I’m hoping y’all managed to survive without me. To help you catch up on the latest from Howdygram headquarters I’ll list all the hot news in well-written paragraphs with subtitles. Thank you.

Saturday, May 28, 2016

The 2016 Republican clown car lives on.

Good Saturday evening to you and yours from the shocked yet delighted editrix of your all-time favorite blog — i.e., the Howdygram — because I’m still COMPLETELY PAIN-FREE for the third consecutive day! I can hardly believe it, people. I’ve been increasing my daily dose of Gabapentin for the last couple of weeks and finally found the “magic number.” When I take 2700 mg a day my neuropathy pain FUCKING DISAPPEARS. (That’s 900 mg three times a day, for those of you who might give a shit.) My feet feel normal, my toes and heels stopped screaming, and the intense pain from burning skin on the back of both thighs is about 95% gone. Gone!

Friday, May 27, 2016

Oy ... will this be the end of the Howdygram?!

I will begin this Howdygram post — my second of the day, in case you’re keeping score — with a heretofore unseen Shit-O-Meter readout.

Donald Trump is a fraud, a chiseler, a coward, a clown, a freak of nature and an asshole.

Shalom, hi-de-ho and happy Friday morning to you and yours! It’s 7:19 a.m. and Sam is on his way to Love Field. He’s flying to Phoenix this morning to spend a couple of days with his younger brother David and his family ... three really nice people with a nice dog and a nice house in Scottsdale. In case you’re interested (and even if you’re not) here’s a screen shot of our current weather from Weather.com. The teeny red star in the center denotes Howdygram headquarters.

Thursday, May 26, 2016

Today is Shitty John Wayne Westerns Day on Turner Classic Movies.

Oy, it’s 3:45 Thursday morning and I’m wide awake. WIDE AWAKE! I made the decision to lie down on the chaise after my shower last night at 11:30 due to being dizzy and immediately slept through Run Silent Run Deep (1958) starring Clark Gable and Burt Lancaster. I missed the whole damn thing, even that scene where the screaming sailor — yes, the cute one — gets squashed by a falling torpedo. (It could give you nightmares.) Fortunately, when Sam shuffled off to bed at 2:30 I decided to transfer my carcass into the study to take my bedtime pills, shoot many units of insulin and write the Howdygram post that I clearly didn’t find time for on Wednesday.

Tuesday, May 24, 2016

Poor Sam was “farmisht” today.

My project of the week? Two words: MEDICARE INSURANCE ... because I’ll be 65 in a few months and eligible for Medicare for the first time in my life. Although I didn’t think I’d need to worry about this until Sam retires in 2022 — right now I’m covered by his company’s Blue Cross plan — after finding out that Sam is actually paying a lot more than we realized for dependent coverage I’ve decided to get prices for Medicare policies and see what’s what. I’m definitely on the right track with this, too, because private Medicare policies are geared to senior citizens and cover a lot more services — visiting nurses, durable medical equipment, free annual hearing and vision tests, cheapo E.R. visits, diabetes at-home testing supplies, etc. — for old coots than Sam’s Blue Cross plan at work, which is focused on a much younger patient population that wants maternity coverage, “well baby” care and rehab for sports injuries. I have some work to do.

Monday, May 23, 2016

Szechwan Eggplant with Garlic Sauce ... breakfast of champions.

I was jolted awake this morning around 7 by a violent storm and driving rain slamming against the windows. Apparently there had been a severe thunderstorm warning leading up to this, but when you’re sound asleep you really don’t know if twisters might be sneaking up on your house with hailstones and flying monkeys. Anyway, after watching out the window for a couple of minutes at 7 a.m. I immediately fell asleep all over again and didn’t bother to get off the chaise until 11, after which I had leftover Szechwan Eggplant with Garlic Sauce for breakfast with a wad of steamed rice.

Oy. Another horrible Listeria hoo-hah!

Hi, people. It’s me! I’m back again with the same shitty burning skin issues as last night and the same goddamn leaking pressure sores. And I’m still taking the same mountain of drugs to anesthetize myself into oblivion, although they’re not working nearly as well as I’d hoped. So what the hell ... I’ll just plow ahead with another Howdygram post and do my best not to whine.

Sunday, May 22, 2016

Howdygram tip: Sloppy Italian beef is not something a person should attempt to eat over a computer keyboard.

Hi-de-ho. I woke up from an extended and ill-advised late evening nap around 1 a.m., just in time to see the last 15 minutes of How to Steal a Million (1966) starring Audrey Hepburn and Peter O’Toole and watch sleepwalkin’ Sam shuffle off to bed. Unfortunately I’m having severe skin pain issues right now — the back of both thighs feels like somebody’s blasting them with a blow torch, plus I have those three goddamn leaking pressure sores — so I have to bounce up and down on my chair every couple of minutes to get comfortable. This is both exhausting and exceptionally stupid.

Saturday, May 21, 2016

If you play your cards right I might be back later.

Hello and a very happy Saturday morning from the pleasant people here at Howdygram headquarters. (Okay ... it’s actually just Sam and me.) As I write this post my significant other is preparing for a junket to Costco for an iPhone charger because he can’t find the one he took to Seattle earlier in the week, and I’m deciding whether or not to place an order with Prime Now, Amazon’s amazing new FREE ONE-HOUR DELIVERY service for thousands of swell products including groceries, dairy, pudding and Amy’s organic frozen pizza rolls. Woo hoo!

Friday, May 20, 2016

Free fonts, Chinese food, Rootin’-Tootin’ Sam and senior citizen kissing.

It’s 7:30 p.m. on Thursday evening and Sam is on his way home from Love Field after spending four days in Seattle. Love Field is our closest airport, the smallish one with a shitload of gates for Southwest Airlines and a few sprinkled in for Virgin America and Delta. Love Field has valet parking, nice food options, and used to be the home of cheap flights until about six months ago, at which time Southwest decided to be a lot of greedy jerks and jacked up their rates. (A lot.)

Wednesday, May 18, 2016

Today I’m giving away free waterproof fonts for a rainy Wednesday morning.

I have to type this Howdygram post as fast as I can before the pain kicks in. It’s 8:45 a.m. — and I actually feel not too lousy right now — but I know it won’t last for three reasons: 1) it NEVER lasts; 2) it’s a day of the week ending in “y”; and 3) it’s raining here, and my joints ALWAYS hurt when it rains! In case you give a crap, here’s a screen shot of our forecast from Weather.com. Naturally, Sam is flying home from Seattle tomorrow.

Monday, May 16, 2016

I hate my thighs for so many reasons!

By all possible standards this has been a thoroughly wretched day. It began this morning, early, when Sam got word that his older sister Marian, who’s been in ICU for the past week in a hospital near her home in Kent, Washington, took “a turn for the worse” last night and isn’t expected to live out the rest of the day. The siblings hauled it into high gear and made their plans to get to Seattle as fast as possible. Unfortunately, it’s 9:30 p.m., Sam is stuck at McCarran Airport in Las Vegas waiting for his connecting flight on Southwest, and Marian most likely will already be gone by the time he lands in Washington tonight at 11:45.

Julius La Rosa died. (I wish Sarah Palin would be next.)

Oy, please forgive me. I didn’t write Howdygram posts on Saturday and Sunday due to a number of pathetic reasons, which I’ll list for you in neat, subtitled paragraphs. Thank you.

Friday, May 13, 2016

The Howdygram Store has designed 40 new cases for your iPhone or Samsung Galaxy.

Holy crap on a Popsicle stick, people. Thursday was a day of MANY GIGANTIC HOO-HAHS here at Howdygram headquarters! However, the only way to provide appropriate coverage of each hoo-hah would be in neatly-labeled paragraphs, so that’s exactly what I’ll do ... one exciting hoo-hah at a time.

Wednesday, May 11, 2016

Old coots and social media. The Howdygram Store has a Facebook page now.

Before I leap into politics, putzes, today’s kvetch report, more free fonts and assorted other Howdygram bullshit I feel compelled to let you know that MONSTER THUNDERSTORMS are heading our way tonight! According to the lying sacks of poo* at Weather.com we have a “severe thunderstorm warning” until 10 p.m., which means there’s actually a very severe hoo-hah creeping up on us as I write this post with 60 m.p.h. winds, hailstones as big as table lamps and an abundance of noise and lightning. The following screen shot shows you what’s what, and the teeny red star on the right side of the map denotes Howdygram headquarters. (*Actual job title of a level one staff meteorologist.)

Monday, May 9, 2016

A backwoods halfwit lands in jail, more free fonts and another dead celebrity.

Happy Monday to y’all from the Howdygram! I meant to write this post earlier in the day but got sidetracked by two major projects: 1) I took a shower at 1 p.m.; and 2) I fell asleep on the chaise after completing item one and slept for six fucking hours. SIX HOURS! At the moment it’s 7:48 p.m. and I just started eating dinner — a bowl of Maruchan Extra Spicy Shrimp Noodles with Impossible-to-Read Instructions in Three-Point Type — plus a side order of pills and a can of Diet Sunkist.

Sunday, May 8, 2016

My mother was very, very clean and made good spaghetti and meatballs.

I would like to sing a little song in honor of Mother’s Day, okay? Sing along with me to the familiar tune of “Happy Birthday.”

Saturday, May 7, 2016

My Saturday night agenda included cute meat dumplings and buried treasure.

I didn’t have a chance to squeeze a Howdygram post into my jam-packed schedule yesterday due to all of the following pressing activities: 1) two extended naps; 2) programming the DVR to record a lot of pre-code Mary Astor movies; 3) refilling my pill sorter to accommodate a much higher dose of Gabapentin as prescribed by my best friend Sandi who is not a doctor (details follow); and 4) designing an adorable collection of new luggage tags and coordinating passport holders for The Howdygram Store on Zazzle.

Thursday, May 5, 2016

The top cinco reasons why I love mayo.

Happy Cinco de Mayo and a swell Thursday to you and yours from the gringos at Howdygram headquarters. This means it’s time once again to honor Mexico’s annual celebration of my favorite tasty condiment and share with my audience the top cinco reasons why I personally love it so damn much.

Wednesday, May 4, 2016

The Jenner Formerly Known as Bruce will appear nude on the cover of Sports Illustrated this summer.

As I sit here tonight with two screaming toes on my miserable left foot I’m reminded that there are actually worse things in life than diabetic peripheral neuropathy. And this would include Sarah Palin. So here’s Moosezilla herself — the former half-term governor of Alaska and failed vice presidential candidate who’s all dolled-up like she just finished shootin’ pool — tossing some “puckarious” word salad on her Facebook page in support of that revolutionary new leader of U.S. Americans, Donald J. Trump!

Feel free to wave your genitals at everybody in the dressing room.

Hoo boy ... this has been a day of “firsts” and major milestones around here, and I’m actually so excited right now I almost can’t contain myself. So hang on while I get ready to share, okay? Tuesday’s thrilling achievements have included all of the following.

Monday, May 2, 2016

If all else fails I may have to resort to Plan B. (I love Plan B.)

Hi. Happy Monday to you and yours from a retired senior citizen who doesn’t give a crap that you have to work today because I’ve had enough lousy Mondays to last three lifetimes. If I sound cranky, you may be right. As I write this post I’m having NUMEROUS PAIN ISSUES — burning skin, screaming toes, pressure sores, stiff knees — and so far two doses of Norco haven’t done a fucking thing.

Sunday, May 1, 2016

Bouncing back from The Matzo Farfel Incident of 2016.

Happy first day of May from our house to yours! To celebrate an exquisitely mild, lovely, breezy and sunshine-packed spring day I just ordered a six-pack of Manischewitz matzo farfel from Amazon even though only last week I promised myself I would never do this because nobody ever needs six canisters of matzo farfel. Except for me, I guess!

Saturday, April 30, 2016

If you eliminate politics from your blog during an election year you’re pretty much left with nothing.

I desperately wanted a cheeseburger last night when Sam got home from work ... and I got my wish! Sam made it for me all by himself with a Costco tasty frozen pre-grilled Angus beef patty and a matching jumbo bun from Wal-Mart. I like mine with melty pepper jack cheese, ketchup, dill pickle chips, a decent slab of tomato if we have one. Also once in a while a little mayonnaise. You know, like on a Whopper. I have a nice life.

Friday, April 29, 2016

I’m ready to weather the storm with a box of teeny tacos and a favorite Myrna Loy movie.

It’s 10:15 Friday morning and Sam is on his way to Costco for a trunkload of our favorite speedy meals. This includes teeny tacos and breakfast burritos (both pictured below), chicken flautas, little tubs of spicy guacamole and instant oatmeal cups. Although I’m pretty sure you don’t give a crap about any of this, Costco is very important to Howdygram headquarters and I, for one, wouldn’t know what to do with myself if I didn’t have teeny tacos in the house. Thank you.

Thursday, April 28, 2016

All God’s children need this cute up-and-down bunting thing swinging from a curly cord.

I want to begin today’s Howdygram post with a familiar and favorite feature ... FABULOUS FREE FONTS! Although all of today’s offerings are truly swell, I find myself strangely attracted to “A Little Swag,” a seriously complex typeface that requires layering and screwy keystroke combinations to get output that looks like the sample below (fortunately, the font includes a PDF with instructions). It’s definitely worth the effort, however, because all God’s children need this cute up-and-down bunting thing swinging from a curly cord ... right? Amen, brother!

Wednesday, April 27, 2016

I guess “toilet police” are a thing now.

Hey. Hi. It’s me again. With Sam asleep in the family room I thought I’d get started on today’s Howdygram post because I love this more than anything else on earth not counting Chinese food, a Margaret Rutherford movie and four-hour naps. But not three-hour naps.

Tuesday, April 26, 2016

Sam came home from work four hours early tonight due to giant thunderstorms.

I don’t know how long I’ll be able to sit here typing because I’m definitely not feeling very well right now. As a matter of fact, I feel like ONE THOUSAND PERCENT TOTAL CRAP. My current complaints — all of which are physical, of course — include: 1) burning feet and screaming toes; 2) leaking pressure sores on the back of both thighs; 3) feeling nauseated, hot, clammy and short of breath; 4) I think that’s more than enough. In case you care or need clarification, item 1 is due to diabetic neuropathy, item 2 is due to diabetes in general, and item 3 is due to the first two making me feel so goddamn miserable I want to puke. Got it? This might be a good time to post the following Shit-O-Meter readout so you’ll have a better idea what’s what.

Monday, April 25, 2016

Sometimes technology can really fuck up your life.

I thought I wanted to spend a few hours tonight designing products for The Howdygram Store but I shifted gears a little and drifted back to my blog. (Hi.)

Sunday, April 24, 2016

You can’t squeeze matzo balls into an iPhone.

Last night we enjoyed our first-ever long-distance Passover seder via Face Time with my bestest friend Sandi and her adorable family in Chicago. Seriously. I highly recommend Face Time seders! Via our Windy City “team,” Howie read the Haggadah, Melissa asked the four questions in lieu of a anybody actually being a young boy, Danielle did all the cooking and everybody drank wine except Sam and me because medications. (We shared a Diet Sunkist instead.) And while we waited for Sandi, her daughters and their beaus to finish Danielle’s amazing repast, I decided to start working on a Howdygram post because I was starving and you can’t squeeze matzo balls into an iPhone.

Friday, April 22, 2016

Happy Pesach from Sam, Marcy and Moses, y’all.

Please allow me to wish y’all a very happy Passover, okay? Even though Sam and I aren’t especially observant — okay, fine ... we’re not observant AT ALL — Passover has always been one of my favorite Jewish holidays because the whole family can get into the swing of things, such as asking the “four questions,” hiding (and subsequently finding) the matzo, opening the door for Elijah while keeping an eye on the cat, taking turns reading from the Haggadah, chugging wine and so on. Plus you get to eat HORSERADISH AND MACAROONS!

Thursday, April 21, 2016

Happy 90th birthday Queen Elizabeth!

It’s almost 2 a.m. and I haven’t been to bed yet. Come to think of it, there’s a strong chance I might be up almost all night due to an abundance of extended naps on Wednesday and a strong motivation to write. I can be mighty impressive at the keyboard in the middle of the night, although in my heydey — back in the mid-1970s with an IBM Selectric typewriter — I was clocked at 127 w.p.m. with no errors. Raise your hand if you’re jealous!

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

Oy. Texas is trying to secede again.

Hello from Acheyville, U.S.A. and I hope you’re having a better Tuesday than I am. I was hoping to spend a couple of hours writing a nice Howdygram post but all of a sudden EVERYTHING HURTS and I don’t think I’ll be able to sit here much longer. In case you give a crap “everything” includes: 1) my knees; 2) three toes plus the heel of my left foot; 3) my right arm and shoulder; 4) burning skin on the back of both thighs; 5) two leaking pressure sores; and 6) a partridge in a pear tree. (I might be kidding about the partridge.) It’s always something, isn’t it?

Monday, April 18, 2016

No matter what’s in your pants, you can still be a big prick.

Hi-de-ho and a happy, sunshiney Monday to you and yours! We’ve had almost five inches of rain during the last 36 hours and expect even more starting overnight tonight, but for the moment everything is glorious and balmy and springy here in north Texas. Specifically, 74° with blinding sun. However I have to observe all of the above from my desk in the study due to being a very crotchety senior citizen with a long list of mobility issues who never leaves the house. Thank you.

Sunday, April 17, 2016

There’s nothing better than truck stop pastries.

Good Sunday to you and yours! It’s 6:45 a.m. and we’ve already got a gigantic line of crazy storms headed our way. Local TV station WFAA says we’re expecting four to six inches of rain today in addition to flash floods, wind, hail, flying monkeys and maybe a tornado.

Saturday, April 16, 2016

I really can’t imagine what would be appropriate for National Digital Rectal Exam Day.

It’s Saturday, 11:02 a.m., and Sam is on his way over to Fuel City for homemade sugar-free fried pies — apple, pineapple and apricot! — and the world’s tastiest tacos with free limes, free grilled onions. two different kinds of salsa and a whole free jalapeño pepper. (Oy!) Fuel City is a new-ish truck stop in Mesquite at the route 80 service road and Town East Boulevard, one exit before the big Wal-Mart. Fuel City truck stops are very popular throughout Texas.

Thursday, April 14, 2016

Coming soon ... luggage tags, checkbook covers, passport holders and waterproof travel cases with zippers.

Good morning from Howdygram headquarters, y’all. It’s 11:45 a.m., Sam’s napping in the family room and I’m pleased to announce that I FEEL EXCELLENT TODAY! I don’t know why or how come, but I’ll take what I can get. And to celebrate I think I’ll buy myself a cheap yet inspiring collection of digital backgrounds from Etsy.com. Maybe even two. And here they are! I bought a collection of 16 ADORABLE ANIMAL PRINT background patterns and a collection of 10 GENUINE FUR backgrounds. All of these patterns are “seamless,” which means you can tile them in any direction to make one gigantic hunk of fur that’s as big as a house. I can’t begin to tell you how often I’ve needed something exactly like this. Wow, right?

Ted Cruz says Americans don’t have the right to masturbate. (I’m serious.)

Today is Thursday, April 14 — The Day Before Income Tax Day — and I’m here to wish you good luck, hi-de-ho and godspeed in case you’re one of those sorry shleppers who hasn’t finished your Form 1040 yet for 2015. Just for the record, Sam and I filed at the end of February and had our electronic refund in less than six days. I’m trying to irritate you. Did it work?

Wednesday, April 13, 2016

Oy. The Lucky Charms leprechaun is dead.

It’s 6 p.m. and I just ate lunch. No, seriously ... I JUST ATE LUNCH! And there are three excellent reasons how come: 1) I showered today at 1 p.m. and then conked out for a nap in the family room as soon as I dried off and Sam replaced the dressing on my pressure sores; 2) I woke up around 5:15; and 3) I wasn’t really hungry until now.

Tuesday, April 12, 2016

Trust me, people ... as a retired senior citizen there’s nothing worse than dreaming that you’re still employed.

I have an “issue,” guys. Last week Dr. M doubled my dose of Gabapentin to try and relieve more of my neuropathy pain. While it definitely seems to be working as intended, it’s also making me loopy, weird, dazed, dizzy and I’m having crazy dreams. (Also a chocolate craving.) In the mornings after I take Gabapentin with Benazepril (for high blood pressure),  Norco (my prescription painkiller) and Metoprolol (to slow down my heart rate), the overall hoo-hah is even WORSE and I’m lucky if I can stay awake for a whole hour.

Monday, April 11, 2016

Donald Trump and his unhinged supporters think they were cheated. Again.

Hello from Texas on a balmy, breezy, moderately humid Monday evening. It’s 6:30 p.m., I just finished wolfing down a tasty sack of Mountain House freeze-dried Noodles & Chicken for senior citizens, and I hear GENUINE THUNDER rumbling in the distance even though, as this screen shot from Weather.com clearly indicates, the storms are at least seven miles away on the east side of Lake Ray Hubbard. The teeny red star in the lower left corner denotes Howdygram headquarters. (Please feel free to wave.)

Friday, April 8, 2016

I don’t get it. Why does Congress always want the Post Office to be broke?

Three things, okay?

THING #1: SAM. It’s 1:20 Friday afternoon and Sam is already on his way back to work after getting home this morning at 4:30, sleeping for five stinking hours and eating a plate of teeny tacos for lunch — our favorite 60-second meal from Costco — with a little cup of tasty guacamole. He looked so exhausted when he left that I can’t find words to describe it. Thank God he’s only got a short 13-minute commute or I’d be scared to let him drive.

Thursday, April 7, 2016

Russell Stover’s new sugar-free Fruit Bites are fucking incredible. (My favorites are orange and blueberry.)

I think I overdid it. Before Sam left for work today he brought in a FedEx delivery from Russell Stover ... six bags of their thrilling brand new sugar-free Fruit Bites. I ordered all three flavors ... Dark Chocolate Orange, Dark Chocolate Blueberry and Dark Chocolate Cranberry. On my God, people, THESE LITTLE THINGS ARE FUCKING INCREDIBLE. The centers are soft and chewy like those dark chocolate orange stick thingies I used to buy from Trader Joe’s, except Russell Stover’s are round and approximately the size of a little gumball. Anyway, Sam left all of the chocolates on my desk, and as soon as I shlepped into the study after a disappointing afternoon nap I ripped open one of each flavor and started to shovel them into my mouth two at a time. It didn’t take long, however — maybe a total of six little chocolates — until I realized if I don’t slow down I’ll definitely upchuck.

On the road to more and better drugs. Even morphine maybe!

Okay, I blew it. I meant to write a quick Howdygram post when I got home from the doctor yesterday morning but the entire hoo-hah was such an exhausting and distressing fiasco — for Sam, actually, not for me — that I just didn’t feel motivated. Mostly, Sam was short on sleep and not feeling too well but still had to push his very large wife in her very large wheelchair up a steep ramp into the senior citizen shuttle bus and nearly wound up having a fucking heart attack. We absolutely have to figure out a better system for next time, even if I have to get out of the wheelchair and drag my ass onto that bus under my own steam. I KNOW I CAN DO THIS!

Tuesday, April 5, 2016

On Wednesday I get to pish in a cup.

Hello and how’s the family from my house to yours! I’m getting a late start tonight on my Howdygram post due to an afternoon nap that ended at 8 p.m. and I just finished dinner at 9:45. Tonight’s menu provided a bag of freeze-dried Mountain House Biscuits & Gravy, a nice cold can of diet ginger ale and a side order of prescription painkillers.

Monday, April 4, 2016

Meet Paul LePage, the shitweasel governor of Maine.

Hi-de-ho, everybody. I almost considered not bothering with a Howdygram post tonight until I checked my blog stats a few minutes ago and discovered a yooge number of visitors checking in from all across the globe and decided to express my undying appreciation for all this gooey popularity and get busy at the keyboard.

Sunday, April 3, 2016

Our DVD of “The Ten Commandments” died last night halfway into the second plague.

I’m pleased to report that today has been monumentally better than yesterday, kvetch-wise, after many hours of solid sleep overnight on the chaise in the family room — God bless that chair! — and several rounds of my favorite prescription painkiller. (Please click here if you need additional details or just scroll back to yesterday’s Howdygram post.) And there’s MORE good news, too! Yes, I’m still having miserable skin issues on the back of my thighs, but this happens so often now (i.e., every fucking day) that I’m actually used to it, and I’ve got a pile of tasty leftovers from King China waiting for me in the kitchen! This includes Jalapeño Shrimp, Szechwan Eggplant and a nice container of rice. Does life ever get better than this?

Yesterday was the worst day of my life.

No kidding, it really was THE WORST. I was sick as a dog, shivering, shaking, aching from head to toe and severely hypothermic with a body temperature of 95.1°. And if that’s not enough ... the skin on the back of both thighs was so horrible and raw that I couldn’t sit comfortably anywhere, including at my own desk in the study; my bleeding rash is back; and I whined and cried every time I tried to move. I was a wreck. I tried several times to write a Howdygram post but couldn’t get past the first sentence, so I gave up altogether and bought a few nice digital files from Etsy.com and ordered dinner from King China. (I love their dumplings.)

Friday, April 1, 2016

Happy first day of April from your favorite fool. (Me.)

I’ll begin with an apology for not writing a Howdygram post yesterday, although I’m NOT beating myself up about this and I don’t especially want to cram this first paragraph with a bunch of excuses. So I’ll just say I was “indisposed” by a variety of health issues and an overwhelming passion to design ritzy iPhone cases for The Howdygram Store on Zazzle. Thank you for your patience and understanding.

Wednesday, March 30, 2016

Patty Duke’s intestine blew up.

I didn’t write a Howdygram post yesterday for one big fat reason: I DON’T KNOW HOW TO BE FUNNY WHEN I FEEL LIKE SHIT. And boy howdy, I definitely felt like shit yesterday. Just about everything hurt. In addition to two hours of intense nausea that started shortly after Sam got home from work last night, I also had pain in my knees, my neck, my right upper arm and shoulder, my left heel, all of the toes on my left foot, leaking pressure sores and raw skin on the back of both thighs ... and I’m constipated. All of these issues thrown together meant I didn’t feel like writing and I definitely couldn’t figure out how to be funny. So I bought myself the following enormous pile of fantastic yet cheap digital backgrounds from Etsy.com so I can create new and better products for The Howdygram Store. Each collection only cost 99¢! Terrific, right?

Monday, March 28, 2016

The week from hell. First it’s Brussels, then it’s the Pez Museum in Connecticut!

Yes, friends ... last week was the week from hell. First we saw another terror strike in Brussels, then a herd of greedy parental assholes ruined a children’s Easter egg hunt at the Pez Museum in Connecticut. I wouldn’t joke about this. Seriously.

Saturday, March 26, 2016

New fonts, new backgrounds and a brand new highly-qualified Putz of the Week.

I am trying very, very hard right now to get comfortable. This is NOT EASY. The backs of my thighs feel like somebody ripped off the top layer of skin — this is diabetic neuropathy, people — so sitting at my desk is ABSOLUTE TORTURE even though I took two Norcos when I woke up from my afternoon nap about 90 minutes ago. While I wait for them to kick in Sam volunteered to drive to Fuel City to buy me a few sugar-free fried pies. (My favorites are apple and pineapple.)

Friday, March 25, 2016

I’m just hoping for a nationally-televised circular firing squad between the Trump and Cruz campaigns.

The Howdygram is acknowledging Good Friday today with — get ready for it — a gigantic Russell Stover sugar-free MILK CHOCOALTE EASTER RABBIT! This is a tasty, God-fearing snack that’s suitable for diabetics, Democrats and senior citizen shut-ins of any faith.

Thursday, March 24, 2016

I’m ready for referral to a pain management specialist, and the sooner the better.

Hi, hello, good afternoon, happy Thursday and how’s the family from your friends at the Howdygram! It’s a gorgeous spring day around here ... about 66° with sunshine and a slightly gusty breeze from wherever. Since I never leave the house except for a quarterly doctor’s appointment I guess I’ll celebrate the weather by migrating into the family room for a movie and a really nice nap. I’m considering something starring William Powell or Margaret Rutherford (they both made excellent nap movies) or The Rains Came (1939) starring Tyrone Power, Myrna Loy and George Brent.

Two dead celebrities and six exciting tote bags.

Know how I amuse myself when Sam isn’t around and tthere’s much nothing to do? I design tote bags for The Howdygram Store on Zazzle! Yesterday and today I added the following six bags to the store’s growing collection. You should consider buying a few for early Hanukkah presents. Are these cute, or what?

Wednesday, March 23, 2016

Can Rick “Goodhair” Perry save the Republican Party? (Short answer: Fuck no.)

The only reason I’m sitting here right now in front of my computer in the study with half a can of room temperature Diet Sunkist is because I think I just took an extra dose of my prescription painkiller by accident and I thought it would be fun to try writing a Howdygram post from outer space. No kidding, I’ll be oribiting Mars within the next 30 minutes.

Monday, March 21, 2016

Another new baby and nobody bothered to tell Aunt Marcy.

I almost decided to skip a Howdygram post today. Almost. I started my day in a lousy mood due to crappy family issues (details follow) and chronic early-morning pain that required two doses of my favorite prescription painkiller before I felt steady enough to not chew everybody’s head off. Does that even make sense?

Sunday, March 20, 2016

Happy goddamn Sunday, okay?

I’m not exactly sure I have anything special to write about this morning so I’ll just go with the following statement.

Saturday, March 19, 2016

It’s never too soon to teach your kids how to write coherent and meaningful thank you notes.

Know what? I’m NOT having a good day today, and to tell you the truth it’s been downright shitty due to all kinds of pain. I’ve got knee pain, severe pain in my left heel and most of the toes on my left foot, burning skin from diabetic neuropathy and a brand new batch of horrible leaking pressure sores on the back of both thighs. At times today — such as RIGHT NOW — this crap has been almost unbearable. I just thought you’d want to know, and here’s my latest Shit-O-Meter readout in case you care [click here for more details]. Thank you.

Friday, March 18, 2016

Mitch McConnell’s grandmother thinks you should elect Democrats in November.

Hello, how’s the family and shalom from my house to yours! It’s 8:57 on a pleasant Friday night, Sam is on his way home from work and I’m getting a late start with this Howdygram post because I got sidetracked by a very long and enjoyable afternoon nap that didn’t technically end until 7:15 p.m., at which time I had eat dinner IMMEDIATELY due to low blood sugar. Other than that, everything here is fucking fabulous.

Thursday, March 17, 2016

Warmest St. Patrick’s Day wishes to you and yours from Mazel Tov the Jewish leprechaun.

I’m starting my Howdygram post earlier than usual today due to having a long list of really stupid things to write about. I realize that’s not a very well-constructed sentence but you’ll just have to deal with it. Thank you, and warmest St. Patrick’s Day wishes to you and yours from Mazel Tov the Jewish leprechaun. Please pass the shamrocks.

Wednesday, March 16, 2016

Marco Rubio got screwed by the “new American century.”

Hi, people. It’s a lovely Wednesday night in Texas with balmy weather — 75° plus a light breeze from the east — the air conditioner’s humming outside my window in the study, and I’m getting ready to nuke a teeny can of Chef Boyardee ravioli for dinner because Sam is at work, I’m hungry and I love this stuff. Deal with it.

Tuesday, March 15, 2016

I want to know why nobody has thrown a few bricks at Trump’s head.

It’s 5:45 a.m. and there’s huge news this morning from Howdygram headquarters: MY LEFT FOOT DOESN’T HURT. Not my heel, not my baby toe ... nothing. The relief is so damn shocking and unexpected that I don’t know what to do with myself! Maybe I can finally stop taking extra pain pills and get back to a normal sleeping schedule in bed with Sam as opposed to sleeping on the chaise in the family room with William Powell movies. My life has been weird for a very, very long time.

Monday, March 14, 2016

National Pi Day. A chance to celebrate everybody’s favorite dessert and a boring mathematical constant.

Yee-haw and pass the lemonade ... IT’S SUMMER IN TEXAS! Even though I’m a handicapped senior citizen with mobility issues who only leaves the house in a wheelchair four times a year for doctor appointments, I still pay attention to rainfall totals, tornado warnings and daily weather reports ... and according to Weather.com it was almost 90° here today! Holy crap, right?

Free fonts, new mousepads and an apology.

If you were counting on the Howdygram to remind you about Daylight Savings Time you’ve just spent the last 36 hours all fucked-up. Please set your clocks ahead one hour IMMEDIATELY, and if you’re late for work today you should feel free to tell your boss it was my fault. Thank you.

Saturday, March 12, 2016

Faster than a speeding bullet ... only seven days for a federal tax refund!

Hi-de-ho from Texas, y’all! It’s an overcast Saturday morning with rain creeping in from the south, Sam is buttering my English muffin in the kitchen and I have nothing whatsoever to do today. This is no huge surprise, however, since I almost NEVER have anything to do ... not counting frequent naps and eating things.

Friday, March 11, 2016

Eating, sleeping and downloading. I love my life.

It’s 6:29 p.m. on a semi-drizzly Friday evening, and this is the first chance I’ve had today to sit at my desk and write a Howdygram post. The rest of the time I’ve been eating, sleeping, downloading and ... well, I think that’s it. Eating, sleeping and downloading. I love my life.

Thursday, March 10, 2016

Suggested drinking game keywords for tonight’s GOP debate include “dick size,” “steaks,” “liar” and “con man.”

Hi. While I wait for my morning medications to kick in I promised myself I wouldn’t begin this Howdygram post with another detailed description of my chronic pain issues, which includes relentless leaking pressure sores on the back of both thighs, a bleeding rash, arthritic knees and diabetic peripheral neuropathy in both goddamn feet. So I won’t mention them, okay?

Wednesday, March 9, 2016

Yee-haw! The Oregon wildlife refuge occupiers have been hit with even more federal charges.

Hello from Agonyville, U.S.A., where your favorite senior citizen blogger is battling pain from a pair of relentless leaking pressure sores on the back of both thighs, a bleeding rash, arthritic knees and diabetic peripheral neuropathy in both goddamn feet. I am, with the exception of nice skin and no gray hair, a TOTAL FUCKING MESS. Prescription painkillers work occasionally but I would need too many to make a real difference.

Tuesday, March 8, 2016

My feet are killing me, I have to pee and I can’t find the goddamn remote.

Another night, another night of lousy sleep ... which clearly can be diagnosed as the cause of my latest ailment: Spontaneous Senior Citizen Mental Illness. I conked out in the family room last night around 11 and woke up at 1:45, dazed and confused. Sam had gone to bed, the TV was off but the lights were on, and I have to admit ... I got VERY FREAKED OUT. The first thing I did was drop the remote for the floor lamp — yes, our floor lamp has its own remote! — which ricocheted off the base of the side table and wound up somewhere under the chaise where I couldn’t see it. I immediately started to CRY because that’s what all adults do when they wake up in the middle of the night in a brightly-lit room and develop a brain hemorrhage thinking ... Jesus Christ, my legs are killing me, my feet are killing me, I have to pee AND NOW I CAN’T FIND THE GODDAMN REMOTE!

Monday, March 7, 2016

Serious weather is on the way. Auntie Em!

There’s finally some SERIOUS WEATHER moving into our area. While the big hoo-hah is still west of Fort Worth right now, by 9 p.m. tonight we’ll be bombarded by thunderstorms, hail the size of Buicks, possible twisters and flying monkeys. The red star on the following map denotes Howdygram headquarters. (The flying monkey is self-explanatory.) Auntie Em!