Thursday, December 31, 2015

I hope 2016 is amazing and filled with wonderful things. (Such as lots of fresh shrimp.)

Before Sam and I get down to the business at hand on New Year’s Eve — six Thin Man movies, fresh shrimp and a bucket of cocktail sauce — I wanted to write a quick Howdygram post so you won’t think I’m dead or ignoring you.

Tuesday, December 29, 2015

More great new fonts with swashy stuff, curlicues, ornaments and doodads.

Hoo boy, guys ... great news: I’ve got MORE FANTASTIC NEW FONTS for you today! All of them were free downloads from (my new favorite website) and some of them even include fancy extras like swashy stuff, curlicues, ornaments, doodads and lots of alternate capital letters. In case you want any or all of these for your own collection I’ll include download links after the graphic. (You’re welcome.)

Monday, December 28, 2015

A knee-slapping Christmas video from the goofballs at Sooshi Mango.

Hi. It’s me again, perky, well-rested and nestled at my desk at 5:25 in the afternoon surrounded by all of my favorite things ... the Howdygram, diet ginger ale, lots of kleenex and a bottle of prescription painkillers. It just doesn’t get much better than this, does it?

Sunday, December 27, 2015

Surviving an EF-4 tornado and a siren serenade.

It’s the day after the night from hell. While the western half of Texas was slammed with a blizzard that dropped 16 inches of snow, here in the Dallas area we had 11 twisters that touched down last night in the dark, serenaded by tornado sirens screaming from every direction. The biggest one was a mile-wide EF-4 (see photo below) that missed Howdygram headquarters by only a few goddamn blocks. No kidding, people, it’s enough to make you shit your pants. I will also include a video from YouTube.

Saturday, December 26, 2015

Spring rolls, fried pies and flying monkeys. It’s Saturday at Howdygram headquarters!

Good evening and howdy from “Tornado Alley” in beautiful northeast Texas! Tonight and tomorrow the Dallas metro area is expecting a fuckton of VERY SCARY WEATHER that includes severe thunderstorms, wind, hailstones, twisters, flying monkeys and up to five inches of rain. There’s really not much we can do to prepare for a hoo-hah like this aside from tying down the patio furniture and watching It’s a Wonderful Life (1947) starring Jimmy Stewart, Ward Bond and Mr. Potter with a large volume of sugar-free fried pies from Fuel City in Mesquite. Frankly, I’m goddamn excited about all this even though we presently have an actual TORNADO WARNING in effect for the next half-hour because something huge and frightening just touched down in suburban De Soto, about 15 minutes from Mesquite as the monkeys fly. There is a vast quantity of lightning and thunder and it looks like we might have to hide in the storm shelter.

Friday, December 25, 2015

The Howdygram would like to wish you and yours a very merry everything.

I thought I’d start your day with a HOWDYGRAM EXCLUSIVE ... just in case you’ve been wondering what’s underneath Donald Trump’s stupid hat.

Thursday, December 24, 2015

Very presidential, Marco. You worthless twat.

It’s 4:50 a.m. and I’m waiting for a jumbo-sized dose of painkillers to kick in so I can go back to bed and get some real sleep for a change. I woke up about 40 minutes ago for my middle-of-the-night senior citizen bathroom adventure and realized I was also in AGONIZING PAIN from my shitty joints, shitty swollen and sensitive legs (I have cellulitis) and the shitty sores on the back of my thighs. The following Shit-O-Meter report illustrates my point.

Wednesday, December 23, 2015

We’re a pair of latke-lovers who don’t celebrate Christmas.

Happy Wednesday night to you and yours. It’s already December 23 — mark your calendar! — and only two days until Christmas just in case you’re a doofus who hasn’t bought any presents yet. Sam and I have no worries whatsoever in this department because: 1) Santa sucks; 2) we don’t drown things with tinsel; 3) we don’t buy presents for goyim; and 4) we’re a pair of latke-lovers who don’t celebrate Christmas. GET OVER IT ALREADY!

Tuesday, December 22, 2015

I need pain meds, a nap, my chaise lounge, a good movie and the ceiling fan.

Let’s catch up a little, okay? I’ve got two really important things to share with you tonight.

Monday, December 21, 2015

Jeb Bush is happy that his campaign is circling the drain. Because now for sure he’ll get to be President.

Good morning, shalom, howdy-do and what’s cookin’ from your friends at Howdygram headquarters! It’s almost 10 p.m. and I’ve been busy tonight mostly browsing for new fonts — oy, I’m so goddamn addicted! — in addition to eating a tasty little instant mashed potato cup, taking a variety of drugs and participating in my monthly Clots “R” Us do-it-yourself blood clot clinic.

Sunday, December 20, 2015

That’ll do, pig. That’ll do.

Some days start off a lot better than others. This morning, for instance, I woke up at 5:15 with a headache, low blood sugar and intense pain from those disgusting pressure ulcers on the back of my thighs. However life began to improve as soon as I hauled myself into the study for a teeny tub of Idahoan instant mashed potatoes, a can of diet ginger ale and an abundance of prescription painkillers ... after which I discovered a new website — — packed with thousands of amazing TOTALLY FREE FONTS that I’ve never seen before. For a retired graphic designer like yours truly who’s also disabled and housebound, fonts are the best distraction on earth not counting William Powell movies ... and there’s no such thing as too many!

Saturday, December 19, 2015

Name-calling is escalating at the GOP kindergarten.

Know what? Aside from a four-hour nap after lunch I’ve been tweaking the Howdygram non-stop since 7:45 this morning! My latest round of changes includes exciting new sidebar graphics and the return of an old favorite (Pee Wee Herman), slightly smaller sidebar titles, a new copyright graphic, a whole new tagline and an updated “the” for the Howdygram’s banner. All are illustrated below for your possible interest. Thank you for giving a crap about this.

Friday, December 18, 2015

I never leave the house, I don’t have any friends and I don’t drink. Hell, I don’t even wear shoes.

It’s 9:30 p.m. and I’ve got 90 minutes to spend with you if I want to finish this Howdygram post before Sam gets home from work. I’m up to the challenge. I’ve got a nice hot cup of Wal-Mart tea and a full bottle of Norco. God bless drugs.

Thursday, December 17, 2015

A great big “howdy” to you and yours. Please wipe your feet and stay awhile.

To be perfectly honest with you I wasn’t planning to write a Howdygram post today because I’ve been a sloth since 11 a.m. and haven’t felt much like doing anything except sleep, design a belated birthday card for my brother-in-law David and eat things. Now that I’ve accomplished all three goals with astounding success I figure why not give typing a shot as well, so here I am. A great big “howdy” to you and yours. Please wipe your feet and stay awhile.

Wednesday, December 16, 2015

The Great December Pee-Pee Incident and other Wednesday night distractions.

Yup, it’s me again, but this time I have no yooge news stories, no major health issues to report, no pressing political bullshit, no shopping adventures — not counting a cool new font that I actually paid real money for — and no pictures to share. In other words, this Howdygram post is about ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. I am the Jerry Seinfeld of bloggers!

Tuesday, December 15, 2015

Donald Trump and Canadian Ted Cruz have the most punchable faces in the GOP.

Something is seriously wrong with me this afternoon. I’m at my desk in the study, extremely thirsty, drifting in and out of consciousness, nodding off, knocking my cordless mouse on the floor three times and fantasizing about going to bed for a long nap. However an even better place would be the chaise in the family room because at least I could enjoy one of my favorite sleeping movies, such as The Rains Came (1939) starring Myrna Loy, George Brent and Tyrone Power or The Kennel Murder Case (1933) starring William Powell and Mary Astor. I have a large variety of excellent sleeping movies stored on our DVR. I highly recommend this. Please let me know if you’d like a list of my movie suggestions, okay?

Morans with cardboard guns and victims drizzled with ketchup. Introducing the Austin Massacre of 2015.

There’s exciting news this morning from Howdygram headquarters. I just made my first-ever reservation on Mesquite’s senior citizen transit service! Now I can ride to my doctor appointment next Tuesday in a fancy little bus with an elevator and stay in my huge new bariatric wheelchair, and Sam won’t have to rupture any vital organs trying to maneuver it — and me — in and out of our car. Be sure to check back with us afterwards for a full report, okay?

Monday, December 14, 2015

You don’t have to be a clever senior citizen with marginal math skills to recognize a good deal!

It’s Monday night here in north Texas and your favorite blogger is MULTI-TASKING. I’m typing a Howdygram post, eating a bag of Mountain House freeze-dried Rice & Chicken for old women with disabilities and brewing a pleasant mug of Wal-Mart tea ... ALL AT THE SAME TIME! In case you’re interested, Wal-Mart tea is exactly the same as Lipton tea except a lot cheaper. Lipton sells 50 tea bags for $3.48. That’s 7¢ per bag. If you go with Wal-Mart’s Great Value store brand you’ll get 100 tea bags for $2 ... or 2¢ per bag. You don’t have to be a clever senior citizen with marginal math skills to recognize a good deal!

Sunday, December 13, 2015

There’s another Republican playground brawl coming up this week.

Our big rain hoo-hah ended this morning before sun-up, having dumped nearly 2.75 inches on the Dallas metro area in about four hours with plenty of wind but no storms or hailstones. Mostly we slept through it all except for one particular episode around 3:30 a.m. when it got so fucking windy I thought our solar screens would get sucked off the house. They survived, and now we’re looking at a week of mild and sunny mid-December weather that should make most of the United States jealous unless you live in Florida or southern California. The following screen shot forecast from proves my point.

Republican leadership wants to launch a secret “draft Romney” campaign at the 2016 GOP convention.

You may be interested to know that I’ve just survived a weird and frequently shitty Saturday during which the good and the bad included: 1) intense pain; 2) two exquisite four-hour naps to distract me from item number one; 3) a box full of Fuel City tacos for lunch with hot sauce and a sugar-free fried pineapple pie; 4) sleeping through two episodes of “Columbo”; and 5) I can’t think of anything else. It’s presently 11 p.m. and I’m considering a very late dinner because there’s a big thunderstorm coming and my stomach is making unintelligible noises. Lobster ramen and Voortman’s sugar-free Almonettes come to mind. Please let me know within the next 15 minutes if you’d like to join me. An email will suffice. Thank you.

Saturday, December 12, 2015

Saturday in Texas. Thunderstorms, torrential rain, maybe a tornado and spotty hailstones.

Happy early Saturday morning from Howdygram headquarters, where I’ve got a cup of water nuking in my teeny new desktop microwave and a fuckton of exciting news to share with anybody who gives a crap. Do you give a crap?

Thursday, December 10, 2015

Paste-eating cretins in Texas plan a mass shooting demo with cardboard weapons.

Today is officially upside-down and completely fucked up, and I’m afraid it’s all Sam’s fault. He had a two-hour 9 a.m. dental shootout this morning at the Sunnyvale Not O.K. Dental Corral, and as soon as he left I was feeling moderately crappy due to pain and parked myself on the chaise in front of the TV, at which time I immediately fell asleep. As in COMPLETELY UNCONSCIOUS. I remember nothing whatsoever until Sam wakes me at 1:30 to ask if I need any lunch, meds or injections before he goes to work.  

Wednesday, December 9, 2015

Whether you’re planning to dress a gunshot wound or just play “mummy,” gauze bandages are a thoughtful gift.

Eureka, people, last night I finally discovered what’s the number one STRONGEST PAINKILLER IN THE WORLD. And it’s free, it doesn’t have any side effects like unwanted hair growth or diarrhea, you don’t need a prescription and there’s no such thing as an overdose. Give up?

Monday, December 7, 2015

If at first you don’t secede, try, try again!

So here’s the scoop. On Saturday a cotillion of right-wing yahoos in the Texas legislature failed to pass a measure that would have asked voters to decide whether or not the Lone Star State should secede from the rest of the U.S.A. According to the bill’s sponsor, voters would have been faced with a non-binding “yes” or “no” survey question on the upcoming March ballot. The proposal had been a hot debate among members of the state’s Republican party, which is run by assholes that spew some extremely scary shit.

Sunday, December 6, 2015

Strange holiday gift ideas from the weirdos at Wayfair.

So what’s the big news from Howdygram headquarters? It’s 11:52 p.m. on the first night of Hanukkah, and in lieu of latkes I’m humming a rousing chorus of “Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel” and eating an Idahoan instant mashed potato cup. (Shut up. It’s the best I can do.) Here’s wishing y’all a happy, happy Hanukkah from Sam and me and the entire staff of Howdygram headquarters. (Okay, both of us.)

Saturday, December 5, 2015

You can never have too many cold meat forks!

I frequently whine about my pain issues in the Howdygram. It’s unavoidable; there are days when pain completely takes over my life and I can’t focus on anything else except once in a while Cheetos. Last night, however, my misery hit a repulsive new “high” and included all of the following shit: 1) plantar fasciitis in both heels made it fucking impossible to stand up; 2) stabbing pain in both knees; 3) an ache in my right hip; 4) broken and bleeding skin (from pressure ulcers) on the back of both thighs; 5) difficulty breathing; 6) watery eyes; 7) a cramp in my right shoulder and upper arm; and 8) intestinal difficulties bordering on a nuclear holocaust. As a result this was my official Shit-O-Meter reading when I dragged myself to bed last night at 11:30. (Regular Howdygram readers will know that was unusually early for me but I was too damn miserable to stay awake.)

Friday, December 4, 2015

FedEx just delivered my goddamn wheelchair.

You’ll have to bear with me for a while. I’m busy eating three amazing fried pies from The Original Fried Pie Shop, a featured vendor at Mesquite’s newest designer truck stop and food mall, Fuel City. A couple of hours ago Sam did a drive-by at Fuel City and came home with a box of tacos and three sugar-free fried pies, which we’ve been stuffing relentlessly into our mouth holes without coming up for air. This seems like an appropriate activity while we wait for FedEx Freight to deliver my Drive Medical Sentra Extra-Wide Bariatric Wheelchair for Big Butts. Please pass the napkins.

Fried pies are a Texas culinary tradition.

Hi, y’all, from the Howdygram headquarters nerve center! It’s 2:15 a.m., Sam’s in bed and I’ve got a swell middle-of-the-night cup of Lipton tea heating up in my tiny new microwave. I have the best-equipped study in Texas, people, I swear to God. This room has EVERYTHING.

Thursday, December 3, 2015

Everything’s bigger in Texas ... especially the douchebag that runs our state.

It’s 8:30 a.m. and Sam just went back to bed. He’s on vacation this week and can do whatever the hell he wants, whenever the hell he wants to do it, and this seemed like a perfect opportunity to grab another hour or two of sleep. I could use more, too, come to think of it, but I think I’ll take my nap in the family room because I’m still having an ongoing affair with a chaise lounge from Macy’s, pictured below for your possible interest.

Wednesday, December 2, 2015

What everybody wants for holiday gift-giving. Overpriced light fixtures!

It’s 4:55 p.m. and Sam is unconscious in the family room after a hectic day that included a hot shower and a muffin. I can’t actually 100% verify that second activity, however, because I was in bed attempting to recover after Sam applied TriDerma Intense Fast-Healing Cream to the back of my thighs and it burned like hell for about 20 minutes. For those of you who’ve been following along with my ongoing “skin issues” ... I have pressure ulcers. FUCK PRESSURE ULCERS! I won’t go into too much detail here in case somebody’s eating breakfast. (You’re welcome.)

Tuesday, December 1, 2015

Einsteins walk among us.

I rarely (if ever) begin a Howdygram post with a sentence like this, so brace yourself: MONDAY WAS A DAY FROM THE PIT OF HELL, peppered with the misdeeds of Einsteins far and wide. Here’s the complete rundown in neat, subtitled paragraphs. I will attempt to type and consume an Idahoan instant mashed potato cup simultaneously because it’s never too early to practice for the senior citizen Olympics.