Shalom to you and yours from my happy little corner of Texas, where four days of relentless rain have turned our region into a gigantic, never-ending auto showroom of submerged vehicles, all driven by yahoos who didn’t realize their freeway underpass was actually 10 feet under water. A smattering of representative photographs appears below for your possible interest. Bottom line: IT’S EXTREMELY WET HERE.
Sunday, November 29, 2015
Saturday, November 28, 2015
I wasn’t really planning to write another middle-of-the-night Howdygram post but my joints are killing me, I’m totally wide awake and there’s nothing else to do ... so what the hell, it’s your lucky day!
Friday, November 27, 2015
So it’s 1:15 a.m. on the day after Thanksgiving — known to Americans far and wide as BLACK FUCKING FRIDAY — and I’m here to provide a complete rundown of my favorite food-centric holiday in real words. First, however, you should know that it’s been pouring here since mid-afternoon yesterday and the current map from Weather.com clearly illustrates what’s what right now. The yellow and orange thunderstorms are moving due east in the general direction of that teeny red star, which denotes Howdygram headquarters along with an actual photograph. The big hoo-hah will begin here in about 15 minutes.
Posted by Marcy Marks at 3:12:00 AM
Thursday, November 26, 2015
Good morning, how’s the family and HAPPY THANKSGIVING from your friends at Howdygram headquarters! While Sam and I wait impatiently for our turkey pick-up time at Boston Market, I will use this opportunity to announce that a shitload of rain is heading our way — four whole days of it — kicking off the festivities with a line of thunderstorms around 3:30 this afternoon. And the entire Dallas metro area is already under a Flood Watch due to our pathetic creeks spill over their banks even if somebody just spits at them.
Wednesday, November 25, 2015
Happy day-before-Thanksgiving to you and yours! I’d be interested to know how you celebrate this holiday, such as what are your favorite things to eat, do you cook, are you alone, are you wearing underwear and what’s for dessert. Thank you. Here at Howdygram headquarters we observe Sam & Marcy’s Annual Untraditional Thanksgiving Hoo-hah with an overpriced heat & serve turkey dinner for six from Boston Market — a nice easy-to-carve turkey breast, stuffing with fetal vegetables, mashed potatoes, tan gravy and a sack of gentile dinner rolls — followed by an undetermined number of William Powell and Myrna Loy movies while wearing bathrobes. If you think this sounds goddamn wonderful, you’d be right!
Posted by Marcy Marks at 9:42:00 PM
Tags: Public Service Announcement, Sam & Marcy’s Annual Untraditional Thanksgiving Hoo-hah, Senior Citizen Food Review
Tuesday, November 24, 2015
There’s something seriously wrong with me today because my brain is fogged-in. After taking my 8 a.m. dose of Norco I’m slurring my words, I can’t hold a thought, I want to take a nice hot shower but I’m not sure I can walk all the way to the master bathroom, the toes on my right foot are numb and I want a couple of Schwan’s corn dogs for breakfast. I can’t explain any of this but thank you for paying attention.
Monday, November 23, 2015
Sunday, November 22, 2015
Shalom, yo, how’s the family and happy Saturday night from your friends at Howdygram headquarters! Sam is asleep in the family room watching Stagecoach (1939) starring John Wayne and I’m at my desk in the study trying to decide on something tasty to rehydrate for dinner because the cold leftover Five Guys hot dog that’s been relaxing on the coffee table since 1:45 this afternoon is NOT going to be enough food even with extra onions. (That was the goddamn weirdest lede I’ve ever written. Seriously.)
Saturday, November 21, 2015
Y’all will be pleased to know I’m feeling greatly improved today, which is very good news (for me, at least) and an encouraging sign as we head into another lovely north Texas autumn weekend ... even though I never leave the house, which would involve wearing shoes and a brassiere. FUCK SHOES AND FUCK BRASSIERES. Thank you.
Thursday, November 19, 2015
Wednesday, November 18, 2015
Tuesday, November 17, 2015
Hi, people. I hope your day is swell so far. It’s 10 a.m., Sam is at Wal-Mart buying assorted tasty crap from a list and I’m hanging out with you and the Howdygram. Also drinking a can of Diet Sunkist soda because sometimes a girl needs faux vitamin C.
Monday, November 16, 2015
Know what I love even more than a three-hour afternoon nap? THIS: Writing a post for the Howdygram. It’s therapeutic, creative, soul-cleansing and excellent goddam entertainment for you and the family, providing you’re all over the age of 17 and don’t mind a few swear words and left-wing political commentary. You get my drift.
BIG FAT NEWS FLASH FOR EVERYBODY: It’s 2:30 Monday morning and I have another Shitty Mystery Fever! I woke up about an hour ago after a brief nap in the family room and BLAMMO ... I was shivering, I had body aches, my joints hurt like hell and I smashed a toe on the corner of our coffee table. (The smashed-toe incident has nothing whatsoever to do with a low-grade fever but I thought I’d throw it in because PAIN.) To cheer myself up I’ve decided to sit here at my desk in the study and entertain you for a while, okay?
Sunday, November 15, 2015
I woke up this morning after insufficient sleep and had no idea what day it was. NO FUCKING IDEA. For a few minutes this was maybe the scariest thing that’s ever happened to me, even scarier than the time I was asleep on the couch and woke up watching Giant — the scene where Jett Rink (James Dean) in old-man makeup gets so drunk at his own testimonial banquet that everybody walks out and leaves him alone to throw chairs and chew the scenery — and five of his guests (Elizabeth Taylor, Rock Hudson, Carol Baker, Chill Wills and Jane Withers) peek their faces through the door to see what the fuck is going on. I woke up from a nap with that “peeking” scene on the TV screen and hallucinated they were all peeking into the family room at ME. I started shrieking “GO AWAY!” until I realized I was freaking out at Rock Hudson and still half-asleep. Whoa.
Saturday, November 14, 2015
Happy Saturday from Texas, guys. It’s 9:45 a.m., I’m on my second cup of tea, Sam is still asleep, and I want to share the following graphic because I’m so sick of the violence and misery I just want to PUKE already.
Friday, November 13, 2015
Please try not to eat any broken plastic if you can help it. And while you’re at it, try not to eat SpaghettiOs, either.
Good evening from Texas! The time at the tone — beep! — is 6:50 p.m., the temperature outside is a pleasant 56°, and dinner — a bag of Mountain House freeze-dried Noodles & Chicken for senior citizens — is rehydrating on my desk. While I wait for my food I’ve got several important things to cover in this post. One or two are deadly serious, others are mostly retarded bullshit. So let’s get started, shall we?
Thursday, November 12, 2015
Holy cow, people — and I mean this literally — I’ve got TWO HUGE AND JUICY NEWS STORIES for you today, and neither of them have anything whatsoever to do with Republicans for a change.
Posted by Marcy Marks at 11:59:00 PM
It’s 3 a.m. and I’m in the study rehydrating a bag of Mountain House freeze-dried Biscuits & Gravy for senior citizens because I’M STARVING TO DEATH and this is the blandest food I can eat at this ridiculous hour and still go to bed afterwards without belching myself into the next county. I’m waiting for Sam to get home from work. He’ll probably be here by 4:30 if I can stay awake that long. We’ll see.
Wednesday, November 11, 2015
Well, fuckity fuckity fuck! It’s 7:45 Wednesday night and Sam just called to let me know he’ll be at work again for the third night in a row until 4 o’clock in the morning. I HATE THIS. I want Sam to come home right now to eat snacks, watch a couple of William Powell movies and get some decent sleep. As for moi, I JUST WANT TO PLAY WITH SAM’S FEET. I don’t think that’s too much to ask, do you? I’m a desperate senior citizen with health issues and I don’t think I should be deprived of Sam’s feet more than two nights in a row.
Good morning and HAVE A REALLY HAPPY VETERANS DAY to all of you camo-lovers out there in Howdygramland! The only real military veteran I ever knew close-up was my father, who served in World War II. Here he is — looking very adorable at age 23 — in London in 1943 as a lieutenant navigator for the Army Air Corps.
Tuesday, November 10, 2015
It’s Tuesday evening here at Howdygram headquarters and I’ve been avoiding tonight’s GOP clown car debate due to the high risk of nausea if I have to listen to those shitbags again. Instead I’ve decided to write a nice post, answer a couple of emails and finish eating what’s left of a one-pound bag of Sweets & Beets® that Sam bought a few days ago at Costco. As the name implies these are sweet potato and beet chips (seriously), unsalted, colorful, very crunchy and mostly void of flavor. I could live without them but there’s nothing else to eat right now. What the fuck, right?
Monday, November 9, 2015
I’ll begin this Howdygram post by showing off my BRAND NEW FREE FONTS, all downloaded this morning from a few of my favorite websites. If you want any or all of ’em for your own personal collection I’ll include links below the graphic so you can download them. Incidentally, a few of these fonts include multiple styles (especially Rubik and Milasian Circa), lots of alternate letters and other fancy-schmancy features. Check them out, okay? I LIVE FOR SHIT LIKE THIS. As a retired graphic designer the focus of my golden years involves creating terrific birthday and Hanukkah cards for my friends and relatives, so I still feel compelled to continue expanding my font collection because CREATIVITY. Get it?
Sunday, November 8, 2015
Good morning, dear readers ... happy Sunday, shalom, what’s new and how’s the family! It’s a cool fall morning here at Howdygram headquarters, and I’m considering a nice toasted low-carb “everything” bagel for breakfast for the following three reasons: 1) I’m hungry; 2) I really like bagels; and 3) you can’t stop me. It’s only 5:57 a.m., however, so I’ll have to wait until Sam wakes up because I’m a senior citizen with mobility difficulties and can’t stand up in the kitchen long enough to tackle the various components of simple food preparation. Seriously.
Friday, November 6, 2015
This is the biggest hoo-hah EVER, people! Sam let me buy my own belated birthday present today ... a brand new “SENTRA” BARIATRIC WHEELCHAIR by the wonderful people at Drive Medical who know how to build fancy transportation for large handicapped senior citizens! I ordered it this afternoon from Amazon and delivery is expected sometime next week. A nicely-detailed diagram appears below for your possible interest.
Thursday, November 5, 2015
After eight years in the “blogging business” I honestly don’t know what I love most about the Howdygram — typing it, composing it, designing it or creating really cute always-changing shit for the right sidebar. Believe it or not, I’ve been producing weird crap in one form or another for other people to read — i.e., illustrated homemade magazines, comic books, short stories, newsletters and an early draft of a book: “Memoir of an Escaped Dental Patient” — ever since dad gave me a Smith-Corona manual typewriter for my seventh birthday with a typewriter case, two ribbons and a how-to manual titled “Touch Typing in Two Weeks for Creative Young Children with Irritating Mothers.” It was cheaper (and probably more effective) than therapy.
Posted by Marcy Marks at 10:25:00 PM
Tags: Project Runway, Sam & Marcy’s Annual Untraditional Thanksgiving Hoo-hah, Senior Citizen Food Review
Wednesday, November 4, 2015
Tuesday, November 3, 2015
If you thought I wasn’t going to write Howdygram post today you’d be dead wrong, obviously, because here I am at my desk in the study with a can of diet ginger ale, writing today’s post! If you want to know why it’s taken me all day to get around to this, we can blame it on the chaise lounge (pictured below) in our family room. I fell asleep at 3:15 this afternoon and woke up at 7:45. Oy, right?
Monday, November 2, 2015
Yesterday was my 64th birthday. Therefore:
Happy birthday to me,
Happy birthday to me,
Happy birthday dear mee-eee,
Happy birthday to me!