Monday, October 26, 2015

An ode to drugs, “Columbo,” frozen food and Sam. (Not necessarily in that order.)

There are a million things wrong with me tonight, and that’s a conservative estimate. They include: 1) severe joint pain due to not taking my meds five hours ago while I was asleep in the family room watching “Columbo” DVDs; 2) a persistent low-grade fever; 3) pain in my left heel; 4) chills, body aches, a nasty rash and a relentless yet aggravating urge to pish, all the result of item number two; 5) a dull headache; and 6) shortness of breath. Put them all together and you get FUCK THIS SHIT!

On the plus side, however, Rootin’-Tootin’ Sam saved my life on Sunday at his world-famous Wild West Toenail Clinic, which is a periodic health service he provides for my pathetic diabetic toes because I’m too shleppy, too achy and too uncomfortable to do this for myself any more.

To wit: Sam figured out how to cut the rock-hard ingrown nail on the baby toe of my left foot — which had actually wrapped itself completely around the tip of my toe like a World War II helmet — thereby eliminating 10 months of excruciating pain in less than 60 seconds. HOLY CRAP! MY TOE ISN’T SCREAMING ANY MORE! This is so amazing I can hardly believe it. Thank you, Sam. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

So here’s what’s coming up this week at Howdygram headquarters, neatly arranged in subtitled paragraphs for your reading pleasure.

FROZEN WHATNOTS, DELIVERED. Our biweekly Schwan’s frozen food delivery has been switched from Wednesday to Monday (even though nobody at Schwan’s ever bothered to ask if it was okay with us or not, those bastards), which means we’ve got a delivery coming today around 1 p.m., at which time we’re expecting Corn Dogs on genuine wood sticks and a box of Breakfast Biscuit Sandwiches with strange maple-flavored sausage that’s absolutely to-die-for.
EYEBALL RESCUE. On Tuesday a laser eye specialist at Sweeney Eye Associates will remove a layer of debris — i.e., “floaters” — from the lens of Sam’s right eyeball, apparently resulting from retina and cataract surgeries in 2013. The eye doctor’s office is about 60 seconds from home in a nice new building with shrubs. Too bad they got talked into using Times Roman for that sign on the front. Jesus.
DENTAL ADVENTURES. Sam is scheduled to have an abcessed molar extracted on Friday by his new dentist in Sunnyvale. This is preferable to — and seriously cheaper than — root canal, a gold post and an overpriced crown, because it’s a third molar way in the back and nobody needs that many fucking teeth.

The following map indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters; B) Sweeney Eye Associates; C) Sam’s new dentist, Sunnyvale Smiles; and D) cattle ranches. Sometimes we can hear mooing from our back yard. (We love mooing.)

Thank you for stopping by. Please shut the light when you’re done here, okay?

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