Friday, September 25, 2015

Getting carried away is the story of my life.

In case you didn’t recognize us, THE HOWDYGRAM HAD A MAKEOVER LAST NIGHT! Holy crap, people, this was so much fun I almost had a cow. We’ve got a NEW BANNER, NEW COLORS and some NEW GRAPHICS. I know this is probably insignificant in the grand scheme of life, but I spend a lot more hours staring at this blog than you do ... so every little change is FUCKING HUGE. I’m especially excited about the new text color — gray was getting on my nerves — and the wood-textured banner. Seriously. I was hoping to work on all this while Sam is in California (he leaves tomorrow morning) but I got so carried away I couldn’t wait. Getting carried away is the story of my life.

The Howdygram’s “new look,” in case you’re interested, is RUSTIC, in direct contrast to my life of luxury here at Howdygram headquarters with ritzy new kitchen cabinets, regular maid service and a remodeled master bath that’s big enough for a bar mitzvah reception.

Yes, people, I have complaints today. Many, many complaints. Aside from ongoing excruciating knee and joint pain I would also like to add the following to my Friday afternoon whine list: 1) a low-grade shitty mystery fever; 2) a heat rash on my stomach and left thigh; 3) the return of the DREADED THUMB LUMP; and 4) raw skin on the back of both thighs that feels like a third degree burn and even BLEEDS sometimes, such as right now. If you don’t think this is enough tsouris to make me rightfully crabby, please shut up and go away. (Thank you.) Although even with everything combined, however, my Shit-O-Meter reading is only a 5 right now!
For your possible interest regarding the dreaded thumb lump, this is a protruding bone spur thing that pops up several times every year for no particular reason and looks a lot worse than it feels, thank God.

I’ve got a Putz of the Week for you today! Asshole Mayor Robert MacDonald of Lewiston, Maine, has asked the state’s General Assembly to pass a bill creating a public registry website that lists the private information of any person who receives welfare benefits. He thinks every taxpayer has a right to know who’s receiving welfare because the names of pensioners are already public. And also because poor people should be ashamed of themselves for needing food and assistance.
“Liberal legislators and their social-service allies have made them a victimized, protected class,” the mayor whined. “It’s none of your business how much of your money they get and spend. Who are you to question it? Just shut up and pay! Well, the days of being quiet are gone. We will be submitting a bill to the next legislative session asking that a website be created containing the names, addresses, length of time on assistance and the benefits being collected by every individual on the dole. After all, the public has a right to know how its money is being spent.”

MacDonald also plans to submit other bills to cap welfare payments at 60 months for a lifetime and to prevent any child from receiving benefits if he was born into a family already on welfare. If your parents are starving, so should you!

Maine Democrats pointed out on Thursday that MacDonald’s welfare registry plan is in violation of federal law, as in NOT LEGAL. State Representative Drew Gattine told the Bangor Daily News that Republicans spend an inordinate amount of time worrying about $100 million in state welfare benefits, which is just a fraction of state’s $2.7 billion budget.

Mayor MacDonald’s proposal has no purpose whatsoever except to shame people who have no ability to defend themselves and stir up a lot of God-awful bullshit. Nearly everybody on his list would be children, the disabled, seniors and veterans ... and we all know they need a good public shaming, right? And what the fuck is it about pensioners? Does MacDonald think Social Security and pensions are WELFARE? Every citizen pays for these programs. IT’S ALREADY OUR MONEY, you ignorant shitstain! I don’t live in Maine but I WANT TO BEAT YOU UNCONSCIOUS WITH MY CANE!

Do you ever get tired of all the fancy new names for ordinary shit? Here we have a Fire Pit Conversation Set that’s technically just a bunch of ordinary patio furniture with a FANCY FLAMING COCKTAIL TABLE in the middle, possibly for roasting a few FANCY WIENERS with your FANCY-ASS FRIENDS. The set pictured here is only $1,999. BYO goddamn hot dogs.
Thank you for reading this.

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