Wednesday, September 23, 2015

Dumbass McBullethead doesn’t have enough dough to fill his car with gas.

Happy Wednesday morning from your pals at the Howdygram. After a thoroughly forgettable Day of Fever, Nausea, Joint Pain, the Hangnail from Hell and General Sickness all day yesterday I’m pleased to report that I feel substantially better today even though it’s only 9 a.m. and you never can tell what could go wrong by lunch-time. (No, I’m not an optimist. Deal with it.)

I’ve got a million thrilling things to include in this post so I think I’ll just get started and cut the preliminary bullshit. Thank you.

Hey, shoppers! is the perfect spot to buy repulsive hand-painted dishes at outrageous prices ... but you’ll get 20% off if this is your first order, and everybody knows ugly dishes look better when you get a discount! Woo-hoo!
As an example, you and your loved ones might enjoy eating your Pop Tarts on Pfaltzgraff’s lovely “Pistoulet” dinnerware, as pictured below. Please note that none of these pieces match and the colors are reminiscent of Ringling Brothers’ Circus.

Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump has been shooting off his stupid mouth again. This time he attacked the Kenyan track & field athletes who won the IAAF World Championships in Beijing, calling them “cheap frauds and con men.” Despite jeers from the audience, Trump insisted that Kenyans — including President Obama! — are “phonies who dope and cheat their way to the top” and then reiterated that the U.S. won the IAAF championships EVEN THOUGH THEY DID NOT.

What colossal gall.

As a thoroughly appropriate response to Trump’s comments, Kenyan-American entrepreneur Gideon Munguti launched his own line of Donald Trump toilet paper because “Trump deserves to wipe all shit and escort it to its destination.” No kidding, pal.
Munguti’s exciting new household essential has been selling like hotcakes, and as of 5 p.m. Sunday has been on backorder at Costco, Wal-Mart, K-mart, Safeway and Whole Foods.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie thinks the leader of the state’s National Guard should shape up and has given Air Force Brigadier General Michael Cunniff 90 days to stop looking like a goddamn dirigible.
The action comes after Christie’s staff told The Washington Post that the governor was unaware the general had been reprimanded by the Pentagon about his weight and for repeatedly ducking out on physical fitness tests.

Even so, this is a high-level example of pot meeting kettle as Christie outweighs the General by at least 75 pounds. They decided to discuss their weight loss options at a Waffle House in Red Hook.

With a heavy heart, the Howdygram has TWO DEAD CELEBRITIES to report today. First up is Jack Larson, 87, the smiley little dude who played photographer Jimmy Olson in 101 episodes of the 1950s’ intensely popular “Adventures of Superman” TV series. Although Larson found it impossible to find other roles after “Superman” ended in 1958, he eventually wound up with a lucrative career as a librettist and playwright. Co-star George Reeves, on the other hand, committed suicide. (Superman was NOT faster than a speeding bullet after all.)

Our other dead celebrity today is Yogi Berra, 90, one of baseball’s greatest catchers and popular characters, who as a player was a mainstay of 10 Yankee championship teams and as a manager led both the Yankees and Mets to the World Series. He was also a well-known cultural figure, inspiration for a popular cartoon character — yes, people, he inspired Yogi Bear! — and was a frequent guest on late-night talk shows.
Berra was also known for an endless supply of unexpectedly entertaining epigrams that came to be known as “Yogi-isms.” A handful are listed here for your possible interest.

“Baseball is 90% mental. The other half is physical.”
“If you don’t know where you’re going, you might end up someplace else.”
“He hits from both sides of the plate. He’s amphibious.”
“It’s like deja vu all over again.”
“I always thought that record would stand until it was broken.”
“You can observe a lot by watching.”
“It ain’t the heat; it’s the humility.”
“You can’t compare me to my father. Our similarities are different.”
“We made too many wrong mistakes.”
“When you come to a fork in the road ... take it.”
“It gets late early out here.”

And finally ... we have an Einstein Award for you today! This one’s a repeat customer whose name you’ll probably recognize from several Howdygram posts back at the beginning of June [read them here, here and here]. It’s Jon Ritzheimer, an anti-Muslim militia goon who’s trying to raise gas money for a road trip from Arizona to Michigan on October 10 to “arrest” Senator Debbie Stabenow for treason after she voted in favor of the Iran nuclear deal.

Capitol police are investigating Ritzheimer’s plot, which also includes arresting other elected officials — including President Obama.
“I am an American patriot who has everything to lose,” Ritzheimer wrote on a website for the III Percent militia group. “I’ve had to kiss my family goodbye on three occasions now and didn’t know whether I would see them again. I am now planning on doing it again.” This time maybe they’ll change the locks.

Its clear that Ritzheimer misunderstands two of the most basic elements of the U.S. Constitution, which he claims his extralegal mission is intended to preserve. “If these people are innocent, then it should be proven in court,” he said, getting the fundamental principle of due process exactly wrong. “But there is overwhelming evidence stacked up against them that says otherwise.” Then Ritzheimer whined that he was sent to war twice under false pretenses, also misunderstanding how the Constitution establishes elections to choose legislative representatives and a chief executive. “We The People are what will fix the problems in our country, not some election,” Ritzheimer said.

Ritzheimer notified law enforcement of the group’s intentions and promises to cooperate with police to prevent violent revolution. This is actually fucking hilarious when you consider that everything this loser touches turns to shit. And Dumbass McBullethead doesn’t even have enough dough to fill his car with gas.

Thank you for reading this.

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