“Making Machine-Gun Bacon with Ted Cruz” by the biggest asshole in the universe.

It’s 9:30 Tuesday morning. Sam just got back from a variety of important errands — complete details appear below — while I stayed home at Howdygram headquarters, holding down the proverbial fort with a Marcytini and a bathrobe.

Sam’s errands today included all of the following:

• Backing out of the garage.
• A trip to the giant Wal-Mart supercenter at Broadway and I-30 to return the stupid strong box we ordered for our wills and related documents. The inside dimensions aren’t big enough to hold a sheet of 8½" x 11" paper and we refuse to fold everything into fourths like ransom notes.
• Buying a nice fireproof strong box from Office Depot for the same documents mentioned above.
• I think that’s it.

The following map indicates: A) Howdygram headquarters; B) Wal-Mart on the I-30 service road; C) Office Depot; D) China City, home of the best Mongolian chicken in Texas; and E) my doctor’s office at the Baylor Family Health Center of Mesquite. (My next appointment is August 20.) For your possible interest items B through E are all less than five minutes away from Howdygram headquarters, which is conveniently located, beautifully decorated and exquisitely maintained with a well-stocked pantry and the best lawn on the block. (Ask anybody.)

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In case you already don’t hate Ted Cruz (R-Alberta) enough — it probably isn’t possible to hate him enough! — the smarmy dickhead senator from Texas, who’s equally despised by BOTH POLITICAL PARTIES, is currently pushing over-the-top stunts leading up to Thursday’s GOP debate on Fox. For instance, take a look at “Making Machine-Gun Bacon with Ted Cruz,” an instructional video by the biggest asshole in the universe.



Incidentally, the aforementioned Fox News debate is scheduled for 8 p.m. Central Time on Thursday night and the 10 candidates who made the final cut are: Donald Trump, Jeb! Bush, Scott Walker, Mike Huckabee, Ben Carson, Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio, Rand Paul, Chris Christie and John Kasich. Tune in for two hours of frightening bullshit from the clown car frontrunners.

Unfortunately, I’m grieved to report that the craziest of these useless loons were cut from the final pack of 10 due to having polling numbers below two percent and therefore will appear in a separate, one-hour circle jerk airing at 4 p.m. Central Time. My favorite crazies appear below. Not pictured: Carly Fiorina, George Pataki and Jim Gilmore.

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Thank you for reading this!