Saturday, July 11, 2015

Wow. Just, wow.

As a handicapped senior citizen with shitty knees who practically can’t walk any more I’m embarrassed to admit that I haven’t peeked into the master bathroom since the crew from Re-Bath of Dallas started working on Tuesday. Yesterday, however, was different. When they left at 4 I decided to drag my ass a little farther than usual to check on their progress, and holy crap, people ... THE BATHROOM IS EXQUISITE. It looks like something you’d see on the cover of “Snooty Houses” magazine with a gigantic master bath that’s actually BIGGER THAN MY FIRST APARTMENT. I’m so goddamn excited my head might explode!

Unfortunately, however, Re-Bath didn’t finish yesterday as planned. Brad-the-installer — not to be confused with Vlad-the-Impaler — told us the manufacturer never shipped our granite vanity top so we’ll have to wait two or three more days for that, and the glass specialist who showed up after lunch to measure for our shower enclosure said it will take two weeks to get the tempered glass. TWO WEEKS? Holy mother of crap. I’ll be covered in barnacles by then!

Before I forget, it’s time for the Howdygram’s deal of the day! Today we’ve got a hot bargain from Kirkland’s, where you can purchase this cheap yet shockingly attractive Distressed Painted Chest for only $229.98. Believe it or not, I bought a similar doodad from Kirkland’s when we moved into our house in 2007 and it’s really a knockout. (Mine has big doors in front instead of drawers. It’s a stylish way to store my ketchup and pickle pantry overflow.)
In case you give a crap Kirkland’s is also having a Green Tag Clearance, where you can snag a Metal Cat Toilet Paper Holder for $7.47 and a Rustic Cow Plaque for $74.97. That’s HALF PRICE, people! Half price!

Hey, I’ve got two more Jerks of the Day for y’all. First up is Pat Robertson, the Christian Broadcasting Network’s longest-running hate monger, for his outrageous quote on July 2 concerning the future of the United States now that same-sex marriage is legal in all 50 states: “This is just the first step. Next children will be forced to be gay. In some schools in San Francisco it is already mandatory for boys to hold hands and exchange kisses, for girls to touch each other while in their underwear. If they refuse they are expelled.” I can’t believe this drooling old fossil is still alive and still on the air.

I’d also like to feature an interesting news tidbit about Turd Cruz — a lying shitbag, a passenger in the 2016 Republican clown car and recent author — who’s been blocked from the New York Times Bestseller List FOR TRYING TO BUY HIS WAY ON.
In case you’ve been reading on right-wing websites that poor Ted is a “victim of the liberal media,” you might want to take a minute to understand the whole story. Sales of Cruz’s book “A Time For Truth” have all been strategic bulk purchases by organizations, NOT bookstore or Internet sales. Bulk purchases are a devious way for an author to artificially boost book sales numbers because you only have to buy a few thousand copies of a book, typically through a marketing firm, to jump to the top of a bestsellers list. A few weeks later the books can be returned or given away at a fundraiser and the author gets to put “best-selling author” in front of his name for the rest of his life.

Cruz isn’t the first brain-dead politician to try this shit and hope nobody will notice. Back in 2010 Mitt Romney was caught requiring organizations to make bulk purchases of his book in lieu of speaking fees.

So here’s what on our agenda today, guys!
  • Sam just finalized a $2,200 deal for custom rain gutters with a nice salesdude in the garage. RAIN GUTTERS! Yee-haw!
  • I’m sending to Costco for our weekly trunkload of nosh and then to Wal-Mart to drop off prescriptions for my two favorite painkillers and buy Oscar Mayer pickle & pimiento loaf, pepper jack cheese and a few dozen cans of Diet Sunkist orange soda for yours truly.
  • I want a hot dog from Five Guys with extra pickles and I want it NOW.
  • A juicy afternoon nap with one or more of the following “sleeping” movies: Murder at the Gallop (1963) starring Margaret Rutherford; White Cargo (1942) starring Walter Pidgeon and Hedy Lamarr; Journey to the Center of the Earth (1959) starring James Mason and Pat Boone; and The Kennel Murder Case (1933) starring William Powell and Mary Astor.
In addition to all of the above I’m expecting three deliveries from Amazon today! They are a pack of 50 kraft card stock hang-tags, a pile of black locking nylon hanging strings and half a dozen Avery glue stocks, which I’ll use for a clever artsy-fartsy labeling project in the kitchen. I’m making hang-tag labels for all the jumbo water hyacinth storage bins I bought from The Container Store a few weeks ago. (Glue Dots didn’t work. I should have listened to Sam.) I love projects like this. I’m so fucking creative it’s frightening!

Thank you for reading this. Seriously.

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