Thursday, July 2, 2015

There’s no better way to cheer up a miserable spouse than by investing in prepaid cremation services.

Shit shit shit SHIT SHIT! I don’t know what the hell’s going on here today, but — just like yesterday — my pain level is practically off the charts and I think I’m having a nervous breakdown. In case you want specifics, here’s a complete list of today’s complaints: 1) I’m nauseated; 2) I have a periodic migraine; 3) the skin on the back of my thighs feels like somebody set it on fire; 4) my heels and knees are killing me; 5) it hurts to sit, it hurts to walk, it hurts to breathe, it hurts to move, it hurts to eat corn dogs; 6) I’m short of breath; 7) I’m clammy; 8) I’m dizzy; 9) I’m disoriented; 10) I hate everybody; and 11) I even hate YOU. (Don’t take this personally. I’ll probably like you again after I take two or three prescription painkillers.)

Ironically, Sam spent most of the day yesterday researching the Neptune Society, because there’s no better way to cheer up a miserable spouse with chronic pain issues than by investing in prepaid cremation services. A rep came over this afternoon to sign us up. Ask me about their summer special!

For the record, Sam wants his ashes scattered all over the Sierras in California; you can just take mine to the penny slots at the Choctaw Casino in Durant, Oklahoma. They have our favorite lunch buffet with the best all-you-can-eat meatballs, pea salad and tartar sauce on earth plus an entire showcase of DELICIOUS SUGAR-FREE PIE!

Just in case you’ve forgotten about this, our fancy-ass shower adventure starts on Tuesday! We’re remodeling the master bathroom here at Howdygram headquarters, a room so large it can accommodate a cocktail party with bartenders and a small orchestra. (Seriously.) We hired Re-Bath of North Texas to expand the shower — which is already substantially huge — with an oversized door, a wider sit-down bench, handicapped grab bars, two shower heads and a Venetian stone enclosure with built-in shelves. They’ll also install a new vanity countertop and decorative stone trim around the tub.
But wait ... there’s more! As soon as Re-Bath is finished (they’re figuring three days) our handyman Gary will be here one week later to paint the bathroom and vanity cabinets, install new cabinet hardware, hang a bunch of towel rings, and — as an added bonus — I’ve asked him to paint a couple of accent walls in the family room for me, just for the hell of it! Sam spent some time at Lowe’s this morning picking up paint chips for the accent walls. Here are my favorite colors so far.
Scanning the color chips was probably a total waste of time because they look completely different (much brighter) online. For instance, the color chip for Sunset Skyline is actually a dark brick red. Holy crap.

I think I’ll forage for snacks now and join Sam in the family room. Shalom, y’all.

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