Sunday, July 26, 2015

Nobody in their right mind wants to smell like Beyoncé or Jennifer Lopez.

It’s Sunday, and I’m starting my day exactly like every other cranky senior citizen in the United States of America. With PRESCRIPTION PAINKILLERS, an ice cold DIET SUNKIST ORANGE SODA and a JIMMY DEAN BREAKFAST BISCUIT on a paper plate with a couple of Vanity Fair napkins (the good kind). Seriously, can life get any better than this?

Here’s an excellent opportunity from for you and your loved ones to smell like Beyoncé or Jennifer Lopez — two of America’s most overpaid sweaty pop stars — for less than a couple of Hamiltons! And they’re also trying to unload an inexplicable Oscar de la Renta thing for men called “Pour Lui.” All three are fragrances available RIGHT THIS MINUTE AT HUGE DISCOUNTS because nobody in their right mind really wants to smell like any of these people. Gift wrap and rush delivery are available.

Know what? It recently occurred to me that I never finished show-and-tell after we remodeled our kitchen last month! Therefore, for your possible interest, I’m proud to post the following photos. The first one shows the specific area of my future GENIUS BRAINSTORM, which includes very clever additional pantry storage plus somewhere for your favorite handicapped blogger (i.e., me ) to sit and watch while Sam opens cans.
The second photo illustrates our large black metal étagère measuring 48" wide x 18" deep x 72" high that’s adorable as hell and still extremely functional. The bottom shelf holds various kitchen electrics we hardly ever use — a bread machine, a regrettable panini press, a blender, a tea kettle and another blender — and the upper four shelves hold ten large steel-reinforced water hyacinth bins from The Container Store.
In case you’re wondering why I consider this a GENIUS BRAINSTORM, I’ll tell you! See all those adorable hang-tags on the baskets? Each tag corresponds to one of my favorite senior citizen recipes and the basket holds all the necessary ingredients so Sam and I don’t have to hunt around in the pantry looking for Knorr soup stock or a can of Manwich. As an old person with shitty knees who can’t stand up for more than two or three minutes at a time THIS IS SAVING MY LIFE. For instance, if Sam isn’t around to cook for me and I want to make Marcy’s World-Famous Senior Citizen Thanksgiving Bowl, I’ve got a basket filled with Stove Top stuffing, McCormick instant poultry gravy, jars of Green Giant whole mushrooms and canned chicken from Costco ... ALL IN ONE PLACE!

For fun we hung our favorite oversized soup mugs from “S” hooks and there’s a swell fake plant on the top shelf just for the hell of it.

By accident I Googled “black benches” a few minutes ago and ran into an incredibly terrific closeout deal on for seating to replace the kitchen sit-down bench pictured above, which is actually shaky, not very comfortable and falling apart at the seams after one month of minimal use. It also groans.

So I just bought THIS instead (see below), made of steel and geniune black leather, for only $199 with no sales tax and free shipping. I figure steel is strong enough to support my ass during extended kitchen supervisory activities while Sam cooks things for me. The bench measures 50" wide by 18" deep by 17" high. I love it very much and I’ll thank Sam for letting me buy it as soon as he wakes up from his nap.

There are some FABULOUS movies coming up on TCM this week — millions of them with William Powell and Myrna Loy! — and you should check out your local listings immediately so you don’t miss any of them. They include:

The Thin Man (1934) starring William Powell and Myrna Loy
After the Thin Man (1936) starring William Powell and Myrna Loy
Another Thin Man (1939) starring William Powell and Myrna Loy
I Love You Again (1940) starring William Powell and Myrna Loy
The Long, Long Trailer (1953) starring Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz
In the Good Old Summertime (1949) starring Judy Garland and Van Johnson
Jewel Robbery (1932) starring William Powell and Kay Francis
The Great Ziegfeld (1936) starring William Powell and Frank Morgan
I Know Where I’m Going (1945) starring Wendy Hiller and Roger Livesey
Dinner at Eight (1933) starring Lionel Barrymore, Jean Harlow and Marie Dressler
And that’s about it for tonight, okay? It’s time to inject insulin, digest a fistful of pills and go to bed. Thank you for reading this.

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