It’s another hot and sweaty day here in Texas. At 10:30 a.m. it’s already 94° with 50% humidity. Unfortunately, a decent chance of thunderstorms originally forecast for tomorrow is now totally kaput ... which means we’ve had only .18 inches of rain for the entire month of July. Oy. That’s way below normal (even for Texas) and REALLY FUCKING NOT SO GOOD.
Thursday, July 30, 2015
Wednesday, July 29, 2015
Re-Bath of Dallas was here this morning to install the glass shower enclosure in our master bathroom and Gary-the-Handyman painted the family room, installed recessed lighting in the laundry room, ate lunch, repaired a stress crack on the living room ceiling and tried to find my missing towel rings.
Tuesday, July 28, 2015
Yo, everybody. I want to begin this post with some SHOCKING SUMMER WEATHER NEWS from hot and steamy Texas. Check out the following four-day forecast and you’ll see we’re expecting a COLD SNAP and STORMS on Friday with frigid two-digit temperatures and the first rain we’ve had since a May/June deluge that left most of the Lone Star State underwater.
Monday, July 27, 2015
I’m not having a very swell day today. My complaints du jour include: 1) shortness of breath; 2) my feet keep falling asleep; 3) I’ve got raw skin on the back of both thighs that sometimes bleeds for no reason; 4) knee pain; and 5) I can’t think of anything else. Frankly, I’d rather be in bed for a nice, juicy late afternoon nap than writing a Howdygram post right now. We’ll see what happens. If I disappear for a couple of hours I’m sure you’ll be able to figure it out.
Sunday, July 26, 2015
It’s Sunday, and I’m starting my day exactly like every other cranky senior citizen in the United States of America. With PRESCRIPTION PAINKILLERS, an ice cold DIET SUNKIST ORANGE SODA and a JIMMY DEAN BREAKFAST BISCUIT on a paper plate with a couple of Vanity Fair napkins (the good kind). Seriously, can life get any better than this?
Saturday, July 25, 2015
Hello from hot and sweaty Texas, where we’re in the midst of a typical extended summer triple-digit no-rain extravaganza. In other words, IT’S JULY, STUPID. Thank God for sugar-free popsicles and air conditioning. It’s 7 p.m. as I write this post and Sam decided to go for a drive through Sunnyvale, the sprawling suburb of mansions and cattle ranches across the street from Howdygram headquarters where you can enjoy the welcome sound of mooing seven days a week.
Wednesday, July 22, 2015
Monday, July 20, 2015
This is a HUGE WEEK for Howdygram headquarters, guys, and it’s filled with an exciting list of MOMENTOUS SHIT and THRILLING ACTIVITIES!
Sunday, July 19, 2015
As if there wasn’t already more than enough hoo-hah around here dealing with multiple summer remodeling projects, yesterday Sam dropped a bombshell: HE WANTS NEW FAMILY ROOM FURNITURE. AND HE WANTS IT NOW. Holy shitsky, people. More decisions.
Friday, July 17, 2015
Howdy, howdy and howdy! It’s a blistering hot Friday afternoon here at Howdygram headquarters but I’m cool and comfortable in the study with a Diet Sunkist, half an Atkins low-carb Nutty Fudge Brownie — even at the peak of freshness these shitty things always taste STALE — and a creative urge to write a nice juicy post before my next nap. For the record, this sums up the life of a retiree with mobility issues: FINDING INTERESTING WAYS TO FILL THE TIME BETWEEN NAPS.
Thursday, July 16, 2015
Good morning, people. It’s hot as hell here in Texas and completely typical for July. At this time of year I’m perfectly content to be a housebound senior citizen with mobility issues because nobody wants to go outside, anyway, due to the following two-week forecast. Unfortunately, it fails to show the humidity (about 55%, like a fucking swamp) and the heat index (unbearable). Plus there’s no rain in the forecast whatsoever.
Wednesday, July 15, 2015
Tuesday, July 14, 2015
It’s the middle of the night and I just got out of bed feeling like SHIT SHIT SHIT, as indicated on the Shit-O-Meter graphic posted below. No kidding, guys, EVERY BONE IN MY BODY HURTS, the skin on the back of my thighs feels like third degree burns, I’m congested, my eyes are watering and I can’t figure out how to get comfortable. I just took two Norco tablets; as soon as they kick in I think I’ll try lying down on the chaise in the family room. Until then I guess you’re stuck with me.
Saturday, July 11, 2015
This has been an awesome Saturday here at Howdygram headquarters, highlighted by: 1) a very pleasant lunch; 2) a very pleasant afternoon nap; 3) a really fun and satisfying crafty labeling project for the kitchen and pantry; 4) shampooing my hair on the toilet (details follow); 5) sending Sam to Costco and Wal-Mart; and 6) I can’t think of anything else.
As a handicapped senior citizen with shitty knees who practically can’t walk any more I’m embarrassed to admit that I haven’t peeked into the master bathroom since the crew from Re-Bath of Dallas started working on Tuesday. Yesterday, however, was different. When they left at 4 I decided to drag my ass a little farther than usual to check on their progress, and holy crap, people ... THE BATHROOM IS EXQUISITE. It looks like something you’d see on the cover of “Snooty Houses” magazine with a gigantic master bath that’s actually BIGGER THAN MY FIRST APARTMENT. I’m so goddamn excited my head might explode!
Thursday, July 9, 2015
When you get old nobody really expects very much from you, so why not go ahead and sleep through everything.
Today is day three of Sam and Marcy’s Fancy Shower Adventure, where your favorite housebound senior citizen blogger with shitty knees and a hangnail — i.e., yours truly — achieved world-class status on Wednesday as a remodeling project supervisor. This was another classic example of A Retiree’s World of Meaningless Accomplishments.
Tuesday, July 7, 2015
Re-Bath of Dallas were here all day gutting our master bathroom with a jackhammer, making plenty of noise and lots of progress. Today they ripped out our shower, including the shower bench, the shower pan, a shitload of ceramic tiles and all the old plumbing. They also remediated some mold under the bench and behind the wall tiles resulting from a seriously shitty job last summer by Clayton and the grout people, who spent three months trying to fix a problem with discolored baseboards and didn’t realize it was caused by a water leak from the shower. (Idiots.)
Senator Lee Bright thinks public employees should take a stand against sin in South Carolina. (Really.)
What can I say about a perfect Tuesday? We’ve got a 50% chance of rain, a crew of bathroom remodelers are pulling apart our old shower with a jackhammer, I got a fantastic deal on new cabinet hardware from Amazon and I’ve just decided what to eat for lunch: CHEF BOYARDEE MINI RAVIOLI WITH A WAD OF PARMESAN CHEESE!
Monday, July 6, 2015
Good morning from Agonyland, U.S.A. After a pleasant but mostly inadequate night’s sleep I’m grieved to announce that I FEEL LIKE TOTAL SHIT RIGHT NOW. This crazy skin hoo-hah on the back of my left thigh feels like a fucking THIRD-DEGREE BURN and makes it impossible to get comfortable ANYWHERE, even lying down or sitting on my squishy new office chair in the study with Diet Sunkist orange soda in a can. I want to kill somebody or take a bunch of drugs. (Drugs are my friend.)
Saturday, July 4, 2015
Happy Independence Day, y’all, from Howdygram headquarters in the great state of Texas! Sam and I are celebrating today with our little family’s favorite holiday traditions: Myrna Loy movies, an afternoon nap, hot dogs from Five Guys and picking up prescriptions at Wal-Mart before they get pissed off and put them back into stock. Oh boy! GOD BLESS AMERICA!
Hi there, Howdygramsters. I’m feeling bouncy, bright and relatively pain-free after a full day of juicy extended naps! Unfortunately, it’s 2:35 a.m. Saturday, I’m completely wide awake and slightly clammy even after a pleasant shower about an hour ago. Holy crap, right?
Thursday, July 2, 2015
There’s no better way to cheer up a miserable spouse than by investing in prepaid cremation services.
Shit shit shit SHIT SHIT! I don’t know what the hell’s going on here today, but — just like yesterday — my pain level is practically off the charts and I think I’m having a nervous breakdown. In case you want specifics, here’s a complete list of today’s complaints: 1) I’m nauseated; 2) I have a periodic migraine; 3) the skin on the back of my thighs feels like somebody set it on fire; 4) my heels and knees are killing me; 5) it hurts to sit, it hurts to walk, it hurts to breathe, it hurts to move, it hurts to eat corn dogs; 6) I’m short of breath; 7) I’m clammy; 8) I’m dizzy; 9) I’m disoriented; 10) I hate everybody; and 11) I even hate YOU. (Don’t take this personally. I’ll probably like you again after I take two or three prescription painkillers.)
Wednesday, July 1, 2015
Hello, shalom, what’s new and how’s the family? Sam is still enjoying his week of “staycation,” and it’s another hot summer day here at Howdygram headquarters with zero rain and a high of 95° in case you give a shit. Today’s activities will include: 1) a healthy breakfast of Schwan’s corn dogs and a can of Diet Sunkist orange soda; 2) a phone conference with our attorney at 9 a.m. to discuss miscellaneous crap related to our will; 3) probably a couple of naps; 4) our maid will be here after lunch; and 5) FedEx is delivering my Wal-Mart butt wipes today. In other e-commerce news, last night I got my 12-pack of lobster ramen bowls and two boxes of Bausch & Lomb wipey towelette things (see below) from Wal-Mart, and yesterday’s new orders included toothpaste for Sam and a chrome over-the-cabinet towel bar for the master bath from Wal-Mart and Amazon, respectively. (This is an OUTSTANDING towel bar, people. We have one in the kitchen.)