Sunday, June 21, 2015

Wishing y’all a swell and happy Father’s Day from the Howdygram.

I felt like crap on Friday, I felt like crap yesterday and I feel like crap today. No, actually, worse than that. I feel like SHIT. My knees hurt, my left heel burns, I’m frequently nauseated and I’ve got an ongoing problem with hyper-sensitive skin all over the back of my left thigh — a combination of diabetic neuropathy and recurring cellulitis — that pinches and burns no matter what I wear or where I sit. My current list of ailments includes all of the following.
  • I can’t get comfortable at my desk even in my fluffy brand new office chair. The skin on my thigh feels like it’s ON FUCKING FIRE.
  • My thigh was burning so bad on the sofa during lunch that I only ate three stinking tablespoons of chicken salad.
  • I tried to lie down on the chaise. This immediately relieved the pain on my left thigh but an old screaming nerve on the outside of my right thigh flared up. So I’m back at my desk, whining.
  • It even hurts to sit on the goddamn toilet.
Therefore I am posting the following official Shit-O-Meter pain report.
In addition to all of the above I’m also dealing with nasal congestion, drippy eyes, occasional hangnails and repulsively dry skin on my shins (it’s a diabetes thing). If any other complaints pop up during the day you’ll be the first to know. I promise.

To cheer myself up I just ordered some classy seating for Howdygram headquarters, as illustrated below. This includes a black leather sit-down bench for the kitchen and a nifty vanity stool for the master bath, which will be completely remodeled starting on July 7.

In case you’ve forgotten what’s what with our Fancy Shower Adventure, Sam and I hired Re-Bath to remodel the master bathroom with all of these new features: 1) a fancy-ass expanded shower featuring a great big built-in bench, multiple shower heads, handicapped grab bars, a custom double-wide tempered glass door and a gorgeous real stone surround; and 2) new vanity countertops with matching trim around the tub. Our handyman (Gary) will come one week later to paint the bathroom a thrilling color, paint our thrilling vanity cabinets, attach thrilling new cabinet hardware and hang a bunch of towel rings that are no longer thrilling. HOLY SHIT! WE’RE REALLY EXCITED ABOUT THIS!

Oy, I almost forgot to wish y’all a swell and happy Father’s Day!
Sam and I no longer have the required parent for an appropriate Father’s Day celebration so we’re enjoying a few dad-themed movies with popcorn. These include: The Courtship of Eddie’s Father (1963) starring Glenn Ford and Ronnie Howard; Father of the Bride (1950) and Father’s Little Dividend (1951) starring Elizabeth Taylor and Spencer Tracy; and Life with Father (1947) starring William Powell and Irene Dunne. Even though these are all WONDERFUL MOVIES, I already know Sam won’t watch any of them except Father of the Bride and Father’s Little Dividend. I can live with that.
 Thank you for reading this. What’s for dinner tonight?

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