Monday, June 29, 2015

An illustrated compendium of my action-packed Sunday.

Howdy, people. Your favorite housebound senior citizen with shitty knees — i.e., moi — would like to share an illustrated compendium of her action-packed Sunday, which will explain why I couldn’t find time to squeeze in a Howdygram post. Thank you very much for giving a crap.

Saturday, June 27, 2015

Go choke on an armadillo, you rotten douchebag!

I’ll bet you thought I wasn’t going to publish a Howdygram post today. You were almost right, but about 15 minutes ago I decided to hang out in the study for a while to refill my weekly pill organizer — do we know how to have fun on a Saturday night or what? — and suddenly had an overwhelming urge to type a bunch of baloney. (You can thank me later.)

Friday, June 26, 2015

Mazel tov, America!

It’s a hot and sticky Friday night here in north Texas, although I can’t really write about the weather with first-hand experience because I never leave the house. At present I’m lolling in the air-conditioned comfort of Howdygram headquarters with a nice cold can of Diet Sunkist and a large bottle of prescription painkillers. Life is very, very good.

Thursday, June 25, 2015

Bristol Palin is a Bible-beating “family values” harpy.

Good afternoon, y’all, and welcome to the Howdygram’s Clots “R” Us clinic! I just did a monthly blood test to check my coagulation time using my very own ritzy $1,400 CoaguChek XS blood-test meter, and I’m pleased to report that my pro-thrombin (PT) time today registered at 2.5. I sent an email to Dr. M with the results. Sam and I love not having to shlep to the lab every month to have this done and it also saves us a $25 insurance copay. Plus finger-stabbing is a real gas and you should try it sometime. BLOOD ROCKS!

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Bobby Jindal consistently ranks at the bottom in every poll of Republicans in the 2016 clown car.

I don’t know what I was thinking last night when I ordered that gigantic timepiece from Kirkland’s [see yesterday’s post]. No kidding, people ... WHO THE HELL HANGS A THREE-FOOT-WIDE CLOCK OVER THE PANTRY DOOR? Plus I eventually found out that the LED clock light on the microwave wasn’t burned out after all; Sam just reset the clock function when he got home from work and my life is completely swell again. So ... this morning I did live chat with a Kirkland’s customer service doofus when they opened at 7 a.m. and canceled the order. To cheer myself up immediately thereafter I ordered a cute set of metal nesting baskets from Wal-Mart. You get three different sizes: 7½", 9½" and 10¾". A PERSON CAN NEVER HAVE TOO MANY CHEAP WIRE BASKETS WITH FABRIC LINERS!

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

E.Coli bacteria is typically added to food and beverages at no additional charge.

Good morning from the bowels of north Texas, where we’re expecting a high today near 95° with tons of sunshine and enough humidity (60%) to make the Everglades eat their goddamn heart out. It’s definitely way too swampy around here and it almost makes me grateful to be a housebound senior citizen with shitty knees.

Monday, June 22, 2015

On my schedule this week? Great movies and great drugs.

Hi, people. It’s 9 a.m. Monday morning and I can’t think of anything to do aside from eating, sleeping and maybe taking the next dose of my prescription painkiller (Norco) half an hour early because I love my drugs.

Sunday, June 21, 2015

Wishing y’all a swell and happy Father’s Day from the Howdygram.

I felt like crap on Friday, I felt like crap yesterday and I feel like crap today. No, actually, worse than that. I feel like SHIT. My knees hurt, my left heel burns, I’m frequently nauseated and I’ve got an ongoing problem with hyper-sensitive skin all over the back of my left thigh — a combination of diabetic neuropathy and recurring cellulitis — that pinches and burns no matter what I wear or where I sit. My current list of ailments includes all of the following.

Friday, June 19, 2015

Nobody cares what’s on a senior citizen’s feet when she’s sitting in a wheelchair.

It’s 9:30 Friday morning, and I’m pleased to report that Sam is on his way to Costco for a trunkload of AWESOME CRAP that includes: 1) little cups of spicy guacamole; 2) frozen flame-broiled Angus hamburger patties; 3) teeny tacos; 4) breakfast burritos; 5) salsa; 6) gigantic baskets of blackberries; and 7) a two-pound tub of Cape Cod Chicken Salad made with cranberries, pecans, honey and actual chicken. No cod.

Thursday, June 18, 2015

You will not discriminate! You will submit quarterly reports!

I don’t know how long I’ll last at the keyboard tonight because I’ve been falling asleep here for the last 45 minutes. I’m not exactly sure what’s going on; I’m totally zoned out from my pain meds (Norco) and keep drifting off into a dense fog that’s punctuated intermittently by nausea and a pounding headache. However I would like to begin this post with some YOOOOGE NEWS delivered in my best Donald Trump accent.

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

Our governor thinks President Obama is concocting an armed invasion of Texas.

I’ve got a jam-packed Howdygram post planned for you this afternoon. I am adequately hydrated with a nice tall Marcytini and hope to duck out about an hour from now to frost a few slices of Wal-Mart’s tasty sugar-free lemon pound cake, my new favorite splurge dessert for handicapped senior citizens with diabetes who can’t bake cupcakes. I’ve got two tubs of Pillsbury sugar-free chocolate fudge frosting. If you don’t want to horse around smearing it on cake you could actually just eat this shit right out of the can. Thank you.

I’m planning to frost sugar-free Wal-Mart pound cake. This will taste like cupcakes.

Shalom and howdy from Texas, people. I’ve got a million subjects to cover in my post today and zero clever segues, so maybe I’ll opt for my favorite “neat and convenient subtitled paragraphs” format. You’re welcome.

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

I’ve been feeling seriously not so good for the last few days; crappy, clammy, achy and belchy.

Please accept my apology and plea for patience and understanding. I’ve been feeling seriously not so good for the last few days — crappy, clammy, achy and belchy — and absolutely NOT creative, witty or inspired enough to write a Howdygram post. Until NOW, of course. All of a sudden I feel like spilling the beans all over my keyboard. Thank you for putting up with me.

Friday, June 12, 2015

Never yank a scab out of your nose when you’re taking a blood thinner.

I’ve decided that weird is the “new normal” for Howdygram headquarters, because yesterday was just as strange around here as the day before. Last night I was sitting at my desk in the study trying to write a Howdygram post when the vision in my right eye flipped to the left at a 90° angle, and it was so pronounced and sudden that I thought my computer screen had a nervous breakdown. I COULDN’T SEE AND IT SCARED THE CRAP OUT OF ME. The entire hoo-hah lasted about 10 minutes, after which I began Googling “retarded eyeballs” and “lopsided vision” to find out what might have caused this. Here are the most likely possibilities according to a genius at Wikipedia.

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Everybody screwed up today except me.

Welcome to a hot and sweaty Wednesday at Howdygram headquarters, where sometimes life gets mighty weird and crappy. Go grab yourself a lemonade and allow me to explain.

Jeb Bush, younger brother of George Dubya, is a genuine fucking moron in his own right.

Sam is working late tonight. VERY late. I’m estimating around 4 a.m., actually, due to a large flock of clients editing a document project in-house for 48 hours straight and Sam is the official circus ringmaster of record. This means I’ll have to make my own goddamn dinner, which will include leftover shrimp egg foo young on a paper plate, a cold bottle of Diet Sunkist soda and Pop Secret ... because I’m worth it! Unfortunately, I’m an old woman with a lot of mobility issues and no stamina of any kind whatsoever — translation: I CAN’T STAND UP — so preparing, plating and serving the aforementioned meal without help will be a fucking nightmare that typically requires sitting down every 90 seconds and a lot of crying.

Monday, June 8, 2015

Oh my God! Chubby little legs and knee socks!

Hi, guys. First and foremost, please accept my groveling apology for not writing Howdygram posts on Saturday and Sunday but there were other responsibilities around here that had to take priority. These included: 1) dealing with TWO MIGRAINE HEADACHES (not at the same time; I am not A Idiot) and the last thing you can do during a migraine headache is try to be clever and write things; 2) purging considerable crap from our kitchen remodeling hoo-hah and reloading our refaced cabinets and drawers; 3) breaking my new black sit-down bench (details follow); 4) buying a lot of important stuff online; and 5) having a fever on Saturday and getting exceptionally clammy.

Friday, June 5, 2015

This is very cool, people. I’ll never have to wait for butt wipes or Velveeta again!

There’s so much exciting shit going on here today I think I could have a NERVOUS BREAKDOWN. To help keep it all straight and address each topic with equal emphasis I’ll divide this post into convenient subtitled sections. Because everybody knows how much I love convenient subtitled sections!

Thursday, June 4, 2015

Rick Perry is looking for a better gig.

Good morning from Howdygram headquarters, home of CORN DOGS FOR BREAKFAST! Corn dogs are a neat, appropriate, easy-to-eat treat from Schwan’s that a person can nuke in about 2½ minutes and won’t drip on your keyboard. And you can even use a PAPER PLATE.

Wednesday, June 3, 2015

Hey, boys and girls ... it’s time to buy your tickets for the main event!

We’re making remarkable progress here. Today the crew from Kitchen Solvers — actually, just one very punctual bald dude whose name is Randy — attached our new cabinet doors, drawers and crown moldings, and Sam got so damn excited he documented the metamorphosis with his iPhone. However I think I’ll hold off posting any “after” pictures until the kitchen is clean and the counters are cleared off. Please stay tuned for another 24 hours, okay? The transformation is INCREDIBLY WONDERFUL and even better than Bruce Caitlyn Jenner’s “Vanity Fair” cover.

Monday, June 1, 2015

Caitlyn Jenner is damn adorable for a senior citizen.

Glorioski. It’s 5:15 p.m. and finally quiet enough to concentrate on a Howdygram post! We had a pair of talented carpenters — Eric and Randy — here from Kitchen Solvers since the crack of dawn tearing out our old kitchen cabinets, sanding, drilling, hammering and shlepping materials back and forth from a temporary work station in the garage. THIS WAS NOISY AS FUCK. More than once I was on the verge of a screaming migraine so I spent the entire day at my desk in the study with a cold rag on my forehead. They left about 20 minutes ago and the silence is deafening.