Saturday, May 30, 2015

There sure is a lot of hate in the news these days, isn’t there?

I woke up at 7:30 this morning to a deafening thunderstorm with rain so torrential it actually sounded like somebody was aiming a fire hose at the windows. Another three inches of rain was in the forecast and we definitely got it ... PROBABLY IN ONE HOUR! The blue star on the following map denotes Howdygram headquarters.

Friday, May 29, 2015

Everything I did on Friday, May 29.

This might be the most ridiculous post in Howdygram history. Be sure to share your thoughts with me, okay? (Send an email.)

I really want to take a nap after I pee and eat lunch.

It’s 9:15 Friday morning and Sam has a 10 a.m. flight to Phoenix. Unfortunately he’s inching along in gridlock Dallas traffic trying to get to Love Field Airport, because we had another five inches of rain overnight and most of our main thorofares have turned into FUCKING RIVERS.

People who make me puke.

It’s 11:30 p.m. and I’m stationed at my desk in the study waiting for another huge line of storms to roll across the Dallas metro area. We don’t need more rain but we’re getting it anyway, plus thunder, lightning, hailstones, wind and flying monkeys. Shit. Enough already! The red star on the following map denotes Howdygram headquarters.

Tuesday, May 26, 2015

I don’t go anywhere, I don’t do anything, I don’t give a shit.

It occurs to me that I don’t have very much going on in my life. Even though I manage to fill this blog with daily rants and diatribes about politics, putzes, knee pain, what I bought from Amazon and guess what I’m eating for dinner, I’m still just a housebound senior citizen with crap knees who practically can’t walk. I don’t go anywhere, I don’t do anything, I don’t give a shit and I haven’t worn a brassiere since I got my first set of dentures in 2010. (Seriously.)

Sunday, May 24, 2015

We’ve got the smoking gun that qualifies Mike Huckabee for our latest Putz of the Week award.

Good evening, boys and girls! It’s been a wet, overcast Sunday here in North Texas. I’m at my desk in the study nursing a nice tall Marcytini while we enjoy a short break in the weather after several additional inches of rain this morning. More weather is on the way starting Monday around 2 p.m. and lasting until late into the night. The forecast calls for another two or three inches of rain — holy shit — with severe thunderstorms every now and then just for the hell of it.

Saturday, May 23, 2015

If you hear a tornado siren, run like hell.

Wondering what your editor eats for breakfast on an overcast Saturday morning? SCHWAN’S CORN DOGS! Yes, friends, Schwan’s corn dogs are a healthy way to start your day in addition to being neat, fun, inexpensive, tasty, quick and rustproof. (Ketchup and celery not included.)

Friday, May 22, 2015

All I want to do is belch. Also, the Duggars are off the air!

I am NOT having a pleasant Friday evening in any way whatsoever, and it all hinges on SEVERE CHEST PAIN. No, I’m not having a heart attack even though it feels like one ... I JUST NEED TO BELCH. This happens to me every now and then, and the pain is atrocious and upsetting. I’m doubled over at my desk, I’ve got a pounding headache, I can’t catch my breath AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS BELCH. Holy crap. Somebody come over right away and thump my back for a few minutes, okay?!

Thursday, May 21, 2015

Tangents, tweaks and another Putz of the Week.

I’m between naps and thought I’d stop by for a little while and write a speedy Howdygram post. Or not speedy, depending on how many interesting tangents appeal to me this afternoon. So far I have two.

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

The big day is June 1, everybody. That’s the day Kitchen Solvers will be here to start refacing our cabinets!

Happy Wednesday night from Howdygram headquarters, y’all. I just found out that we’re expecting another run of heavy rain — yep, more rain! — starting overnight tonight and stretching through the three-day Memorial Day weekend as indicated by the forecast posted below.

Puncturing my fingers is huge fun and I look forward to every opportunity.

I can’t believe I never wrote a Howdygram post yesterday. I wanted to. I tried. I even made a list of possible topics. Ultimately I wound up giving very few fucks, took an extra nap and watched The Runaway Bus (1954) starring Margaret Rutherford, Frankie Howerd and Petula Clark. A brief movie review appears below for your possible interest.

Monday, May 18, 2015

Jeb Bush believes that a tolerant country should make room for people of faith to discriminate. WTF?

It’s 9:45 Monday night and I haven’t had dinner yet. While this is probably no big deal to YOU in any way whatsoever, for me it’s a life-changing milestone that helps me adjust my eating pattern to lose some weight and spend less time hanging out near the kitchen. Mainly I wait for Sam to get home from work at 11:15 and let him nuke something fabulous for me on a paper plate. It’s like having my own personal chef!

Sunday, May 17, 2015

North Texas’ four-year drought is officially kaput.

It’s a moist and cloudy Sunday here at Howdygram headquarters. Our overnight storms and torrential rain finally stopped around sun-up; now we’re left with flooded roadways, drippy patio furniture, overcast skies and heavily-watered lawns. I can deal with it. North Texas’ four-year drought is officially kaput, and our lakes, creeks and reservoirs are bursting at the seams. Yee-haw, everybody! WE LOVE RAIN! And while we’re not expecting any additional large weather for the rest of today, there’s plenty forecast for the week ahead as indicated on the following screen shot. Holy crap, right?

Saturday, May 16, 2015

Scott DesJarlais is a “pro-life family-values” Congressman who forced his ex-wife and mistress to have abortions.

Yo, guys. Before I start blabbering about my usual routine crapola I want to offer up our latest Putz of the Week: Representative Scott “ Uncle Fester” DesJarlais of Tennessee, a pro-life family-values Congressman Republican shitbag who pressured his ex-wife and mistress to have abortions but votes to restrict them for everybody else. THIS MAKES ME WANT TO SCREAM.

Friday, May 15, 2015

Romney is preparing to get creamed by another black man.

Another day, another steaming pile of HOT NEWS for the Howdygram. Oh boy, right? Today’s themes include political announcements, Marcy goes shopping and decorating dilemmas. So grab yourself a Marcytini, rip open a bag of Cheetos and get comfortable!

Thursday, May 14, 2015

Meet the rude jackass with the gavel: John Boehner, “Weeper” of the House.

Hi, people. I’ve got all kinds of screwy crap to share with you today on a wide variety of screwy subjects, so I suppose I’ll just dive in and get started before I get too hungry to sit here and type. To begin, I completely forgot to show you what Schwan’s delivered yesterday in case Howdygram headquarters’ frozen food needs are important to you. We like Schwan’s because their products are speedy, tasty and attractive. (Under no circumstances, however, do we recommend ketchup and celery with your corn dogs.)

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

Molly White never leaves home without her bag of tiny rubber fetuses.

I’m getting a late start on today’s Howdygram post due to a number of worthwhile distractions. These include: 1) sleeping until 11 a.m.; 2) lunch with potato chips; 3) a three-hour nap in the afternoon; and 4) signing up for Facebook. Items one through three should be self-explanatory; item four is mostly due to my best girlfriend Sandi convincing me wouldn’t it be a scream to connect with people from high school who haven’t died of old age yet and maybe join a few nostalgic user groups. So I signed up a couple of hours ago and we’ll see what happens next. (Please feel free to resume your normal routine in the meantime.)

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Fuck you, Luis. Send your unpaid bills to Mitt Romney or go buy yourself a pair of bootstraps.

Residents of the Dallas metropolitan area are requesting a ritzy set of matching Neiman Marcus life preservers as soon as possible due to expecting up to a foot of rain during the next three days. That’s TWELVE INCHES OF RAIN, people! Although Howdygram headquarters is located on high ground and nowhere near any creeks, rivers, cattle ponds or reservoirs, THAT’S A HELL OF A LOT OF WATER in addition to severe thunderstorms, hail the size of Buicks, wind, twisters and flooded drive-through lanes at In-N-Out Burger. A screen shot of our forecast appears below. Holy crap, am I right?

Monday, May 11, 2015

Curing diabetes with Jesus and cinnamon pills is genuine medical science for hillbillies.

Yo, everybody, and how the hell are you? I’m enjoying a nice, quiet Monday afternoon at Howdygram headquarters with NO THUNDERSTORMS IN THE FORECAST for a change and a fresh new haircut thanks to my mobile stylist Noell, who was here a couple of hours ago to work her magic. I’m looking significantly “Judy Dench-like” right now except my hair isn’t gray. Also, Judy is older and thinner. With a foreign accent.

My new senior citizen recipe is so delicious you might have a nervous breakdown.

A slightly-belated Mother’s Day to you and yours from your friends at Howdygram headquarters! I sincerely meant to post the following graphic yesterday but got caught up in a variety of intense Sunday activities that included two naps, not getting hit by a tornado and eating things.

Saturday, May 9, 2015

With any luck maybe we’ll get to see Interpol drag Lindsay Lohan’s sorry ass back to the U.S. in shackles.

Yo from Howdygram headquarters the land of Oz, where once again we’re facing SEVERE THUNDERSTORM WARNINGS, a TORNADO WATCH and a 70% chance of exploding clouds, hailstones and flying monkeys. We’re in store for more of the same tomorrow, too — on Mother’s Day! — and also most of next week, as you’ll see for yourself on the screen shot posted below. This is epitome of a holy crap weather forecast.

Friday, May 8, 2015

Why can’t I walk? Because there’s no cartilage in my knees and my bones are grinding against each other!

Holy crap ... it’s Friday! Although technically this doesn’t mean very much to a retired senior citizen person with shitty knees such as yours truly, my husband — Handsome Rootin’-Tootin’ Sam — still works for a living at a real job and loves his weekends to pieces. We have no special plans whatsoever due to another huge threat of severe thunderstorms tonight, Saturday and Sunday with hail as big as somebody’s foot, potential twisters and other very scary weather whatnots here in the Dallas metro area, as illustrated below.

Thursday, May 7, 2015

Coming up next week: a haircut, houseguests and cortisone injections.

It was the day from hell, guys. My routine appointment with Dr. M this morning was absolutely AWFUL for all of the following reasons.

Wednesday, May 6, 2015

I’m parked at my desk drinking Coke Zero and trying to belch. (It’s hell getting old.)

It’s 4:45 p.m. on a breezy Wednesday afternoon and I WANT TO THROW UP. I’ve been fighting nausea for the last three hours in addition to an off-and-on headache, slightly low blood sugar and overall clamminess. Lying down on the chaise didn’t help at all — actually, it made me feel WORSE — so now I’m parked at my desk drinking Coke Zero and trying to belch. (It’s hell getting old.)

Tuesday, May 5, 2015

Sorry, all the window seats are taken in the 2016 Republican clown car.

We’re between thunderstorms right now so this might be a fine opportunity to write a nice speedy post and tell y’all what’s what here at Howdygram headquarters. First, I’m having another strange and queasy day with lots of joint pain, body aches, occasional nausea (whenever I stand up to walk) and a overall feeling of SEVERE CRAP. Second, I bought a couple of things online this afternoon to amuse myself. They included another Cane Tube cane holder for my walker (the first one I got is so indispensable I want a spare in case it ever breaks) and a memory foam floor mat for under my desk from Home Depot. The floor mat appears below for your possible interest. It measures 20" x 48".

Monday, May 4, 2015

Yee-haw! We can flush as often as we want!

There is so much weird crap going on here right now I almost don’t know how to write this post. I’m thinking subtitled indented paragraphs with appropriate yet colorful illustrations might be in order. Thank you for your encouragement.

Friday, May 1, 2015

I give up. I need hot & sour soup and I need it now.

I’m pondering Chinese food tonight because I’ve got an overwhelming craving for extra spicy things and a lot of Szechwan chicken with string beans. Also hot & sour soup and little meaty dumplings. I’M STARVING AND THIS IS SERIOUS. Therefore if you want to buy me a present please call King China at (972) 271-8188 and place the following order ...

Congratulations. You’ve got 24 hours to memorize a field of 20 horses and buy a stupid hat.

I’ll begin this post with FOUR HUGE AND IMPORTANT THINGS for Friday, May 1. Please pay attention in case I decide to ask questions later. (Thank you.)