Wednesday, April 8, 2015

The Miserable Exploding Bladder Incident and other senior citizen news.

Howdy, people. It’s 5:45 Wednesday morning and I’m sitting bolt upright at my desk still somewhat freaked-out by a bad event yesterday evening before Sam came home from work. I had a nice nap in bed from 4:30 to 7:45 p.m., and when I woke up I realized I had to pee. Let me phrase this differently for emphasis: I THOUGHT MY BLADDER WAS GOING TO EXPLODE. So I put on my robe, slide into my slippers, shuffle into the master bathroom and BLAMMO, I can’t make it to the toilet and I can’t even make it into the goddamn shower. So I kick my slippers across the room — quite an achievement for a handicapped old broad with a cane — and just let go. All over the floor. Thank God for the gigantic decorative bath towel attractively draped across the side of the tub! I covered my puddle, sat down on a bench and tried to remember when the hell did I turn into such a big, helpless baby. (I’m still working on it.)

For the record, Sam is usually mortified for me when I write about intensely personal shit like this, but I tend to consider the Howdygram like a diary or a journal, so I’d be remiss if I neglected to let y’all know when I wet the bed or have a rash. Get it?

Help me out for a minute, people. I’m curious ... when did personal checks turn into little advertising billboards? A couple of days ago Sam said it was time to reorder checks — they last forever these days due to only writing three stinking checks a month — except Wells Fargo was insanely over-priced (i.e., about $30) so I decided to give Costco a shot. WE LOVE COSTCO!

Imagine my shock to discover that 95% of Costco’s check styles were stupid children’s cartoons (Minnie Mouse, Hello Kitty, Monsters University, Frozen, a talking sponge, Betty Boop) and the rest, except for some pitifully boring blue safety checks and pictures of wolves, were ADS FOR COMMERCIAL PRODUCTS. A few samples appear below that make me want to throw up.
Seriously ... why would an adult want to carry Monsters University checks? And why the hell would anybody in their right mind ever spend $18 on 200 checks plastered with Coca Cola’s logo? THEY should be paying ME to do that! (The Costco checks are sort of “camp” but still ridiculous.)

Thank you for allowing me to unload.

We’re expecting WEATHER around here! The lying sacks of poo at say we’ve got a moderate storm threat (60%) this evening around 8 p.m. and then A REALLY BIG ONE for tomorrow starting in the late afternoon. Such as possible tornadoes, hail, damaging wind and unplanned travel to Oz. If anything exciting actually happens I’ll try to “live blog” the entire hoo-hah for you, okay? MUNCHKINS! TOTO! OIL CANS!

It’s 2:30 p.m. now and Sam is on his way to work. As bad as my episode was last night with The Miserable Exploding Bladder Incident (see paragraph one), I regret to report that I’ve just emerged from a migraine from hell ... a headache so dreadful I was paralyzed on the chaise with a cold rag on my face for more than an hour while I moaned, whined, muttered profanity and held my head. I also felt severely nauseated and very short of breath. This was a TOTALLY MISERABLE EXPERIENCE and I’m fed up.

I refuse to let this shit ruin my life. I’m ordering Chinese for dinner and you can’t stop me.

No comments: