Wednesday, April 1, 2015

I am deeply fond of Wal-Mart.

Good morning! I’m pleased to report that it’s 6 a.m. and I’m feeling EXCELLENT. Nothing hurts, all the aches and pains I had last night are gone, I’m sufficiently doped-up on my favorite prescription painkiller and as soon as Sam is awake I’ll start pestering him to nuke me a couple of those adorable Jimmy Dean breakfast croissant things he bought this week at Costco because I’m starving.

Before I forget ... I don’t know whether or not y’all make a big hoo-hah out of April Fool’s Day in your neck of the woods, but here at Howdygram headquarters we firmly believe this is a REALLY STUPID HOLIDAY that should end by the time a person graduates from middle school. Therefore if you’re a full-grown adult who still thinks it’s a hoot to irritate people with boneheaded pranks, PLEASE SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP FOR THE REST OF THE DAY. Thank you.

Moving on. Anything interesting on your agenda for today? I’m recuperating from a massive online Wal-Mart shop-a-thon that consisted of two back-to-back orders for a variety of fabulous shit at fabulous prices. My first order at 4:45 a.m. included the following: 1) several boxes of Atkins low-carb Nutty Fudge Brownies and Triple Chocolate snack bars; 2) vanilla and strawberry Glucerna shakes for senior citizens with diabetes; 3) a few large bags of Lay’s crunchy things; 4) four boxes of squeezy Velveeta cheese sauce in foil pouches; and 5) 12 rolls of Bounty paper towels.
My second Wal-Mart order included: 1) three bottles of Equate Enriched body wash; 2) three bottles of Dial Skin Therapy Himalayan Pink Salt and Water Lily body wash; 3) two twin-packs of Dial Triple Moisture body wash; 4) a twin-pack of Dove powder fresh deodorant for truly perfect pits; and 5) Atkins strawberry-banana and milk chocolate low-carb shakes that are bigger than Glucerna’s and MUCH CHEAPER.
Incidentally, to those of you who hate Wal-Mart ... STOP IT ALREADY. Even though their local retail stores probably suck to some degree, they actually have a very nice website with very nice prices and very nice customer service. I AM DEEPLY FOND OF WAL-MART and it’s my official go-to store for everything I don’t buy from Amazon due to Amazon usually selling their crapola in very large quantities. (A normal person does not need half a dozen 64-ounce jars of Ragù.)

I have a Putz of the Week for you today but I think I’m too stoned on painkillers right now to write coherent paragraphs about politics. Thank you for understanding.

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