Sunday, April 12, 2015

Aaron Schock, the hot male nipple-having former congressman from Illinois, has been told to “pay up.”

Yo everybody. It’s 6:29 Sunday morning, Sam is asleep, I wish I had a can of Chef Boyardee Beef Ravioli and I THINK I’M STONED. God bless prescription painkillers! I took one at 5 a.m. when I woke up; I’m due for another at 9.

It seems that Aaron Schock, the hot male nipple-having former congressman from Illinois with the $40,000 not gay “Downton Abbey” office, still has a campaign war chest with $3.3 million in it due to he was very good at fundraising, and also because he apparently had some very grifty bookkeeping ideas when it came to living well on the taxpayers’ dime. Well, now it looks like Aaron will have to part with some of that dough, because the Marshall County Board, outside of Peoria, is refusing to spend $76,000 to cover the costs of a special election now that their baby-faced Instagram cover model had to resign from Congress, for being too much like Abraham Lincoln according to his farewell speech. Or maybe he resigned because he’s a FUCKING CRIMINAL.
In what is basically an ordinary collection letter, the Marshall County board offers Schock options of sending the full amount immediately or signing an agreement promising to pay later. “If you choose to forward a signed agreement we will provide an itemized statement of the costs following the election. If you choose to send the $76,000 payment requested, we will accept it on behalf of the citizens of Marshall County as payment in full for the costs of the special election.”

We don’t know whether Marshall County will only accept cash or if they’d consider a valuable trade. For instance, why couldn’t Aaron ask his personal full-time not gay photographer, Jonathon-With-An-O (pictured at right), to visit the county offices and take free sexy Glamour Shots of all the board members? Surely that’s worth $76,000! Of course, Marshall County is neither the only county in Schock’s former district, nor is it the biggest, so they sent their letter to all the other counties in hope that they’ll also say, pay up, YOU GREEDY LITTLE SELF-LOATHING CHISELER!

Today is round four of the Masters at Augusta National. Please clear your schedule this afternoon and plan to watch the action on CBS with a lot of food and beverages. I’m considering a family-size box of frozen OnCor Salisbury steaks in shitty gravy with half a loaf of low-carb white bread and sugar-free lemon-lime Jell-O cups for dessert.
There’s actually a very strong possibility that I won’t be able to wait until mid-afternoon because I’m starving to death RIGHT NOW and it’s only 8 a.m. Gravy is one of those perfect foods that’s ideal for any meal ... even if it’s shitty.

Thank you for reading this.

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