Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Welcome to another busy day in the Twilight Zone.

Yesterday I survived two medical appointments in two different locations on the same day. While you ponder what kind of present you should send me for an occasion of this magnitude I’ll provide a brief update on the status of my health. Because if you didn’t give a crap you wouldn’t be reading this post. Right?

TODAY’S COUMADIN BLOOD TEST RESULT WAS 2.1. This means I’M NORMAL. And last week’s result was normal, too. If I get another normal result one week from today I can start testing once a month instead. (At that point I hope to have a home testing monitor from Blue Cross because shlepping to the clinic for a 15-second fingerstick blood test is just plain STUPID.)

MY HEART RATE IS 100 AND MY BLOOD PRESSURE IS 110/70. If you think the heart rate sounds high you’d be right, except my cardiologist says there’s no benefit to lowering it with more medication because the side effects aren’t worth the risk. I’m definitely good with that. And I don’t have to see Dr. Singh again for six months. SIX WHOLE MONTHS!

I’VE DISCOVERED THE BEST WAY TO TAKE HYDROCODONE. Every four hours is TOTALLY FUCKING PERFECT for pain relief so Dr. M tripled my prescription. I’ll take six tablets a day from now on washed down with half a Glucerna vanilla shake for diabetics. I’m really stoned.

I got a postcard from the Twilight Zone today that was actually a clever little pull-apart thing with a negotiable check inside from the Nutella Consumer Class Action Settlement Group made out to yours truly in the amount of $7.15. The mystery is, I’ve never eaten Nutella in my entire life but thank you very much anyway for the free money and welcome to another busy day in the Twilight Zone.

Today is Schwan’s day here at Howdygram headquarters with our biweekly delivery of tasty frozen whatnots. This time our friendly delivery doofus will drop off three favorites — Mozzarella Sticks with Flavor Flecks, Fluffy Breakfast Biscuit Sandwiches and Corn Dogs — plus one product we’re trying for the first time due to a large number of really good customer reviews on Schwan’s website. I’m referring to the Cheese-Stuffed Breadsticks pictured below. THIS IS SO EXCITING I MIGHT BLOW MY BRAINS OUT!

Hang onto your shopping carts, America ... Kraft Foods is recalling more than 6½ million boxes of its popular boxed macaroni and cheese after customers reported finding shards of metal inside. Although no injuries have been reported — maybe because the victims are dead? — the company said in a statement on Tuesday that “Consumers who purchased this product should not eat it.” I’m surprised they didn’t spin this to promote the benefits of adding iron to your diet.
The recall involves Kraft’s 7.25-ounce boxes of original-flavor macaroni and cheese, pictured above in case you were born under a rock somewhere, with an expiration date between September 18 and October 11 and marked with the code “C2.” Products were shipped nationwide in the U.S. as well as to some unsuspecting slobs in South America and the Caribbean.

I think I’ll take a few drugs now. Thank you for reading this.

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