Friday, March 6, 2015

At 4 a.m. I’m too lazy to drag my ass into the kitchen for braunschweiger or a dinner roll.

Good morning from the bowels of Howdygram headquarters, where your favorite blogger (i.e., me) is still awake at 3:49 a.m. and busy noshing on Russell Stover sugar-free “chocolate cake truffles” that taste like mucilage. Trouble is, I’m hungry, my blood sugar is only 68 and I’m too lazy to shlep into the kitchen for real food. So bullshit glue truffles are my only valid option. Holy crap, am I right?
Incidentally, I ordered these things because I thought they were filled with little rounds of real chocolate cake, which is how they’re pictured online (see inset above in case you think I’m kidding). However, they’re NOT. They’re filled with a wad of GRITTY, CHEAP AND HORRIBLE CHOCOLATE FROSTING. Which means these lousy little things aren’t cake, they aren’t truffles and they aren’t even edible unless it’s 4 a.m. you’re too lazy to drag your ass into the kitchen for braunschweiger or a dinner roll.

I’d like to introduce a brand new Howdygram feature: NO, THEY’RE NOT DEAD YET ... a group of hand-picked really old celebrities whose obituaries you probably missed because that would be stupid as they’re all still alive.
Just between us, the only one who surprised me is Zsa Zsa Gabor. She’s 98 years old, in miserable health, and a pruny, bedridden zombie being tended-to by her ninth husband, Faux Prinz Asshole Frédéric von Anhalt, who’s 26 years her junior and a professional sponge. Frédéric acquired his “royal title” when he was adopted at age 36 by Princess Marie-Auguste, the former daughter-in-law of Emperor Wilhelm II, who was 80 years old at the time and obviously not in her right mind. To earn his own pocket dough since marrying Zsa Zsa in 1986 Frédéric has adopted a series of adult men and sold them the “Prinz von Anhalt” title ... which actually happens to be illegal and the German government thinks they’re all insane. The adoptees include Marcus Prinz von Anhalt (formerly known as Marcus Eberhardt), who refers to himself as “Prince Germany,” Oliver Prinz von Anhalt (formerly known as Oliver Bendig), Maximilian Ferdinand Prinz von Anhalt, and Michael Prinz von Anhalt (formerly known as Michael Killer). Frédéric is pictured above left with his favorite Look-At-Me-I’m-Such-A-Schmuck cigar.

That’s more than enough bullshit for one Howdygram post. I should go to bed now.

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