Monday, February 9, 2015

I’m killing time. Join the party.

Know what? I’m having A VERY, VERY SHITTY NIGHT. I’ve tried to go to bed twice but I can’t fall asleep! I just lay there in bed gasping for air like I can’t breathe (even though I can) and imagining my blood sugar is too low (it isn’t). This is really fucked up. So now I’m parked at my desk in the study at 4 a.m. with a little bottle of Coke Zero from the mini fridge and the early stages of what appears to be A LOUSY MIGRAINE HEADACHE. I’d cheer myself up by ordering a mountain of fabulous crap from Wal-Mart and Amazon except I don’t wany any deliveries while Sam is out of town due being a mobility-impaired senior citizen who can’t shlep cartons into the house by myself. Towards the end of the week, however, I’ll be placing the following orders ... starting with three bottles of apricot SweetLeaf drops and a dozen cans of my favorite Hormel smoked ham that we can’t find in any of our local supermarkets. (They sell a ham knockoff at Dollar Tree that’s not nearly as tasty as Hormel.)
And here’s my pending Wal-Mart order, which includes several boxes of Atkins low-carb brownies, Great Value chips, Dove solid for my old lady armpits, bleach for Sam’s socks, sugar-free Fudge Striped Shortbread Cookies and — glorioski! — Velveeta ready-to-eat cheese sauce in convenient pouches for handicapped senior citizens!

It’s 5 a.m. and I think I should try going back to bed (again). I’m glad you dropped in. Seriously.

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