Thursday, February 26, 2015

Einsteins with mittens and ski masks were here to mow our frozen, dead lawn today.

There’s so much amazing crap going on today at Howdygram headquarters that I almost don’t know where to start ... but I’m thinking neatly-subtitled paragraphs might be the best and most attractive approach, so here goes. Thank you.

WINTER LANDSCAPING: ONLY IN TEXAS. While Sam was out this morning with his weekly honey-do list he called on Face Time to report the weather from Costco: BELOW FREEZING, NASTY, COLD, LIGHT FOG AND SNOW FLURRIES. So I said, “Hey, our landscapers are here.” And they were. While Sam was on the way home with a trunkload of teeny tacos and his favorite crunchy cranberry cookies (see left) an idiot in a parka was mowing, whacking and edging the front and back lawn. The question is, WHAT THE HELL FOR? Grass in Texas goes brown (dormant) in October and doesn’t start to grow again until it turns green sometime in late March or early April. THERE’S NOTHING WHATSOEVER TO MOW IN FEBRUARY unless you’re motivated by an early infusion of cash to keep your landscaping business alive. That’s the only possible explanation for an Einstein with mittens and a ski mask mowing your frozen, dead lawn when it’s only 29° outside. Holy shit.

MY NEW PHONE FROM CONSUMER CELLULAR IS HERE. It came yesterday and it’s PERFECT, UNCOMPLICATED, ADORABLE and MAROON! The instructions were so simple I input my entire telephone directory in less than 15 minutes, picked a pleasant little Mozart ring-tone, adjusted the volume, selected a nice assortments of tweets, burps, farts and clinks for opening, closing, power on, power off, alerts, alarms, incoming messages and assorted reminders, and then I entered my top three most important emergency speed dial numbers: Sam’s cell phone, Sam at work and Pizza Hut. (The nice one on Oates Drive near I-635.)

WE HAVE A LOT OF MENTALLY ILL WEATHER COMING UP. The only way to describe this weird, season-straddling horseshit is just to show you. Tomorrow morning we’re expecting 28° and snow; by Tuesday we’re in the 70s with spring thunderstorms. In case you’re interested, I solve the perennial challenge of “dressing for the weather” by wearing the same gross collection of stretchy robes all year round and never leaving the house. (I’m a handicapped senior citizen with mobility issues. I don’t give a flying fuck about the weather.)
I’M STOCKPILING VELVEETA CHEESE SAUCE. You’ll be pleased to know that Howdygram headquarters is crazy about this squeezy, tasty shit! On Wal-Mart’s website you get a box of three foil pouches for only $2.98 — much cheaper than Dollar Tree, where they sell individual pouches for one buck each! — and you’ll love this versatile pre-melted orange cheese, as I do, for all manner of exciting recipes. These might include: 1) a really sloppy ham and cheese sandwich; 2) Easy Cheesy Rice for Senior Citizens with Shitty Knees in a Pot [see recipe]; 3) very fast nachos; 4) speedy queso dip if you smoosh it up with Ro-Tel tomatoes; and 5) I can’t think of anything else. Can you? I just ordered four boxes of Velveeta Cheese Sauce for the pantry.

It’s 6:45 and I should be pondering dinner. I’m not especially hungry yet but my blood sugar is 58 — that’s pretty low, in case you’re diabetically challenged — which means it’s time to eat whether I’m hungry or not. Therefore I think I’ll do something speedy like homemade ham salad on low-carb rye toast and an apricot Marcytini. (This is actually a regular Marcytini with the addition of SweetLeaf apricot drops just for the hell of it.) For the ham salad I use two teeny cans of Hormel smoked ham from Amazon, mayonnaise and a wad of Mt. Olive sugar-free sweet relish in the new squeezy jar.
 Thank you for stopping by tonight. Shut the light when you’re through here, okay?

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